Kip Conlon

Like all bank presidents, George Bailey was a great man.

why are taters the only thing we’ve totted

Can the hour we lose tonight be the one where I’m awake wondering why I even exist

We don’t talk enough about Norman Bate’s prowess with a mop. That fellow could clean a floor

me, pointing at all the bread in the bread aisle at the grocery store, mouth agape, smiling, shaking my head in pure awe: where does this all come from…some…some kind of factory?

I bought a denim shirt with embroidery on it but I’m going to tell people I thrifted it.

Spent many knights there.

If huts are where you prefer to eat pizza, have I got the place for you.

As a child star, I thought I had my whole future ahead of me. Which was technically true.

Thanks to the free buffet at the strip club, I only wound up spending 600 dollars.

When I won the lottery, I naively thought my troubles were over. The coffee at the yacht dealership is lukewarm.

finally read uncle vanya, one more thing i can chekhov my bucket list

I don't know where Waldo is. I have my own problems.

record co. ceo, 1973: record sales are down. you’re toast

Bread: what

More songs should start like Monkey Gone to Heaven. "There was a guy." Ok I'm listening, what's this guy up to

I don’t need drugs to get high, but they certainly expedite the process.

hobbies include gagging on my electric toothbrush

Love reading Frankenstein in public so I can occasionally say, “I guess we see who the real monster is.”

The gorillas were wary of my presence at first. Then things got really bad.

As you can see from my clunky, unattractive ring, I graduated from high school.

Liam Neeson: ….I've lost me train of thought.

Kidnapper: If I'm looking for a ransom, you don't have any money, what you do have are a particular set of skills...

so awesome that we found a way to make podcasts even more annoying by filming them as they're being recorded

There should be a word for the pain of knowing you saw a band long before you loved them

Are you enjoying the bologna nachos? I got the recipe from “High Times.”

As you can see from my résumé, I am proficient in lying.

Gentlemen, it’s Women’s History Month, so maybe take the initiative and explain what that is.

Andre 4000 has already been born it’s only a matter of time before he makes himself known

[my hair holding a tiny suitcase]: hey man i'm moving to your back

fishing the directions out of the trash cuz i forgot what comes next after “i put my hand upon your hip, when i dip, you dip…”

Don't ban smartphones for kids. Ban Monopoly.