Genie was happy in bottle; no wishes.
05.03.2026 07:27 — 👍 6 🔁 1 💬 1 📌 0Genie was happy in bottle; no wishes.
05.03.2026 07:27 — 👍 6 🔁 1 💬 1 📌 0hobbies include gagging on my electric toothbrush
03.03.2026 01:54 — 👍 82 🔁 28 💬 3 📌 0Love reading Frankenstein in public so I can occasionally say, “I guess we see who the real monster is.”
04.03.2026 13:40 — 👍 180 🔁 44 💬 3 📌 1The gorillas were wary of my presence at first. Then things got really bad.
04.03.2026 17:09 — 👍 19 🔁 5 💬 2 📌 0As you can see from my clunky, unattractive ring, I graduated from high school.
04.03.2026 00:22 — 👍 57 🔁 14 💬 2 📌 0
Liam Neeson: ….I've lost me train of thought.
Kidnapper: If I'm looking for a ransom, you don't have any money, what you do have are a particular set of skills...
so awesome that we found a way to make podcasts even more annoying by filming them as they're being recorded
27.02.2026 00:21 — 👍 854 🔁 101 💬 26 📌 0There should be a word for the pain of knowing you saw a band long before you loved them
28.02.2026 13:48 — 👍 276 🔁 49 💬 17 📌 3Are you enjoying the bologna nachos? I got the recipe from “High Times.”
03.03.2026 17:26 — 👍 13 🔁 3 💬 1 📌 0As you can see from my résumé, I am proficient in lying.
02.03.2026 17:00 — 👍 37 🔁 8 💬 1 📌 0Gentlemen, it’s Women’s History Month, so maybe take the initiative and explain what that is.
02.03.2026 14:55 — 👍 380 🔁 97 💬 17 📌 6Andre 4000 has already been born it’s only a matter of time before he makes himself known
21.02.2026 20:49 — 👍 71 🔁 17 💬 2 📌 1[my hair holding a tiny suitcase]: hey man i'm moving to your back
18.02.2026 02:25 — 👍 179 🔁 49 💬 6 📌 1fishing the directions out of the trash cuz i forgot what comes next after “i put my hand upon your hip, when i dip, you dip…”
17.02.2026 20:38 — 👍 127 🔁 32 💬 6 📌 1Don't ban smartphones for kids. Ban Monopoly.
01.03.2026 17:02 — 👍 69 🔁 22 💬 2 📌 0Underestimate me at your peril. You will find it cannot be done.
27.02.2026 23:52 — 👍 27 🔁 7 💬 1 📌 0sad cheese marketer taglines be like This One Will Make You Feel Bleu or Edam & Weep or Is This One Feta or Worse, Feta or Worse or
24.02.2026 14:51 — 👍 80 🔁 26 💬 11 📌 0when replying on bluesky, remember that any word in the original post can be used as a springboard for incoherent free association
16.02.2026 17:53 — 👍 933 🔁 128 💬 29 📌 16Dog unemployment has reached 98%
15.02.2026 18:10 — 👍 91 🔁 21 💬 4 📌 2Drunk at the bar said I was too soft to take him in a fight. I nearly cried.
27.02.2026 05:53 — 👍 14 🔁 3 💬 0 📌 0We all suspected grandma suffered from gingivitis, but in my family dental illness wasn't something you talked about.
27.02.2026 04:26 — 👍 18 🔁 4 💬 1 📌 0
Me: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
The plumber: Knock yourself out. This is still gonna cost you eight hundred and fifty bucks.
Great movie! And kind of haunting.
25.02.2026 03:00 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0I can see it. This came to mind because I was reading about the actor Paul Sand (I like him), who was also a mime. Seems a lost art, or compared to when I was a kid anyway.
25.02.2026 03:00 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
Top 5 mimes (all time)
1. Marcel Marceau
2.
3.
4.
5.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world
1. People who love Phil Collins' song In the Air Tonight
2. People who haven't heard Phil Collins' song In the Air Tonight
“Keyboard warrior?” Thank you. But I'm just a guy.
24.02.2026 19:18 — 👍 12 🔁 3 💬 1 📌 0Back from jury selection. They said they're going “in another direction” for juror #4, whatever the hell that means.
24.02.2026 17:29 — 👍 18 🔁 4 💬 3 📌 0🤞
24.02.2026 07:51 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0Walked by the woman I'd once hoped to marry on the street; she didn't even glance in my direction. I hear she's with Colin Jost now.
24.02.2026 07:45 — 👍 16 🔁 5 💬 1 📌 0