Kip Conlon

Sweet text from driving instructor saying he's never forgotten me.

Today in therapy my doctor talked about his recent trip to the Dead Sea and how tourists steal mud, it had no relation to what I was talking about but things have been going really well for me and he seemed like he needed to process his feelings about it

I just need to jump in the shower and stand there unmoving for 11 minutes. C u soon.

🙏

Your “joke” offends me both as a leprechaun and a Catholic.

Her name is like your name!

Pleased on both counts. It's a banger!

Karaoke coach thinks I'm nearly ready for “Take On Me.”

What if "I lubricated with hollandaise" is the last text I ever write?

Between my loud chewing and that fling with her sister, Myra decided she'd had enough.

I'd become a stranger to my family, my friends, myself even. My Christopher Walken impression is that good.

There's no “i” in team. Or “q” in basketball. Billy, your essay's a mess.

Server: a little Quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue

My earliest memory is me accidentally electrocuting myself.

It happened 10 minutes ago.

Therapist confessed she has feelings for me. Mostly disdain.

Right!

Found a cowboy hat in my ranch dressing.

All I ask.

My surprise party was as unexpected as it was poorly attended.

“your screen time this week” shut up narc

hitman: how about i take you out tonight

his wife: what

I'm an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

Ultimately, it was our differences that drove us apart. I was more of an introvert, and she was way out of my league.

Doctors said I’d be lucky to live into adulthood and, boy, were they wrong

This communion wine tastes like I'll be wrapped in God's grace tomorrow.

Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

Dexter murders the surgeon who diagnosed him with early onset dementia. #DexterTheRetiredYears

If you feel like time is flying by, go get a bad haircut.

Knockoff Q-tip brand doesn't care what you do with them.

(Helping a raccoon with an ice cream bucket on its head get unstuck from a fence) I've been there buddy, hang on