Kip Conlon

My bank flagged my debit card for fraud because I spent $46 at the liquor store. Like omg assholes, sometimes I’m fun.

Downside of being dumped before Halloween is how lame Sonny Bono is as a costume.

You're not in college anymore.

If E.T. The Extraterrestrial did kill people it would be the scariest monster in movie history. Just imagine E.T. screaming and flailing at you with a straight razor saying "ouch" every time it cut into your flesh. I don't want that to happen to me and that's how you know something is scary.

You only have one tenth wedding anniversary. Give her a Brita.

Bride of Frankenstein? Yeah, used to be. Didn't work out. Now I'm the Bride of Greg

Find it gross how Harvard grads always somehow let you know they went to Harvard. Gives the rest of us a bad name.

The Whiners Anonymous meeting offered coffee and peanut butter cookies. I WANTED CHOCOLATE CHIP.

me? nothing, just jumping around

It is very windy on the deck but my tomatoes are hanging on for dear life. Oh wait maybe that’s me.

Oh, I’m familiar with football minutes aka We now join Punky Brewster already in progress.

Was in a gift shop yesterday and a lady said to her daughter, “Oh, look how cute that gnome is. That could go on my gnome shelf.” Hello, Kindred.

CHATGPT: I understand where you're coming from. You worked really hard to get here, and now it's time to enjoy the fruit of your labors.

ISILDUR: So I should keep it? Elrond says I shouldn't

CHATGPT: The ring is precious. Sometimes friends don't have your best interests at heart.

ISILDUR: true

As a caricature artist, I try to capture the soul of the person I am drawing. Then I give them really big teeth.

Turns out they don't make guacamole at your table here. No one knows who that guy was.

I’m gonna need you guys to shorten your posts until this edible settles down

Hamlet: To die, to sleep

Me: Hmm I do like sleep

Spinach on my teeth, beer on my breath, sorry I'm not perfect like you, Mr. Hiring Manager.

the day will come.

Playing chess every day in the park honed my skills as a pigeon whisperer.

Total poster's choice.

Good news: I dreamed that I got a raise. Looking forward to having a little more dream cash in my pocket each month.

"scales."

Me: I'm not feeling well

My colleague: did you pass away? I think my grandma had that

Wake up, people. “Puff” the magic dragon? Little Jackie “Paper?” Billy the “weed dealer?”

Ha.

"Be True to Your School."

Are we talking about the same Pagliacci?? When I saw him he was hilarious.

Pro tip: when serenading a young lady you are courting, hire an ugly guy to play the guitar.

Not everyone you meet is going to like you. You need to accept that those people are hideously ugly