Kip Conlon

Not sure how I feel about holiday beverages – I’m eggnostic HAHA I wanted to get this joke out one more time before we're all sent to work in the asbestos mines

Shock, then horror swept over the genie as I told him my wish for infinite wishes.

In a fun coincidence, my dentist himself is a little prick.

I don't do anywhere near enough self-promotion here.

has anyone else noticed that food tasted better in the past? it was mushy and easy to eat. and the spoon would come at you like an airplane

saying "stop it" when someone sneezes instead of bless you

Apparently one of Maria's “favorite things” was stealing other women's fiancés.

Like so many before him, cocaine bear told himself it was no big deal, just something to liven up the weekend.

The generation that complained for years about young children getting participation trophies just gave a grown man a soccer peace prize

You don't have to struggle with mental illness to work here, but it helps!

sorry i’m late, i sat down

if god wanted me to fly god would have given me the good drugs

Gag gifts are a fun way to be silly with your friends. They're also cheaper than regular wedding presents.

WILLIAM SHATNER: Lunch. ables. lunchABLES. Lunchables

AUDIO ENGINEER: uh sir this session is for the Tekwar video game

WILLIAM SHATNER: *cheerful but obviously seething with rage* Oh and you think I don't know that. its just impossible, to you, that a man might be speaking his internal thoughts

a coke and coffee joint called bump and grind

The pleasure is all mine, I assure you. May I signal to the bartender you'd like to buy yourself a drink?

If you tell someone that you’re doing “normal human activities,” they usually don’t believe you

It's been over a month since Halloween. Still no sign of the Great Pumpkin.

I know when I'm being a third wheel, you two. I've known for the last four hours.

This snow would be a lot prettier if the house was clean.

Don't mistake my fear of intimacy for a fear of passion. Which I also fear.

Show idea: psychiatrist who moonlights as private detective and sucks at both jobs.

You're a cowboy? so like, a Minotaur?

hi my dame is what, my dame is who, my dame is chika chika dench judy

they're both elusive.

There's a reason why we made it a Bluesky holiday around these parts when everyone unanimously chased Jimmy Fallon the hell off the site.

I like my coffee like I like my ladies: not on my back about getting a job.

Nightmare. Perfectly good taco.

One question into online job application and I'm already lying (I am a robot).

I asked our waiter what he thought I should get and he suggested he couldn't care less.