Julie Lavender Menace 🏳️‍⚧️

Heck if I know. She won't let me near them so I hid her Gas-X.

My grandma just now body checked me when I went to check on the muffins.

I don't mind getting the silent treatment as long as it's constructive

I've earned 2 blocks and a good poster list addition today and I haven't even posted. 💅

I'll post dick pics when Bluesky goes 3D

It’s in my DNA to die at 20 in a field in Europe, but I’ll have to settle for getting run over by a Musk cybertank piloted by a kid who was one boob touch away from being normal in an Ohio field at 50 during the dumbest civil war in history. All because I thought minorities/gays were human.

Today someone else did this so I didn't have to. He didn't see the funny side

If things weren't apocalyptic enough, we're getting something called blood rain today. Seriously tho, I just wish they'd mentioned it before I washed my hair

My big baby tuxedo cat lying on a bed all covered in his moulted hair and looking shocked that I would accuse him

But I am INNOCENT I tell you

And the cat didn't show his face until after our guest had left, the crepuscular bastard.

wish I had more opportunities to show off my mud wrestling skills

*rage colors a picture of a rainbow and flowers then crumples it up and nicely hands it to you

I appreciate it when my team listens to me and plays better after I yell at the tv from my couch

I can't make you horny but I can make you question your sanity.

My brain. It's crispy.

Still waiting on a motherfucker to tell me how to get to Sesame Street.

Everyone wants Bluesky to let us edit our posts. Except me. I want to edit everyone else's posts.

I once put a snowball in a mailbox 😬

QUICK! Let's celebrate Kristi Noem's firing before we find out how horrible her replacement is 🥳

Testicular sounds like an app to help you get better at taking tests

Shouldn't it be "I saw, I conquered, I came"?

You try to be a good neighbor but there's only so much not violating a psychic HOA rule against peeping minds for who might need to borrow sugar an empath can do

my sodium is dangerously low, and I still do not want your semen

Why did they call it French toast and not Gallic bread

I’ve already set my clocks ahead. Don’t want to miss our sea shanty rehearsal early in the mornin'

I can never walk past a sugar maple without saying I’d tap that

Me and my dog used to talk about our balls a lot.
“You’ve got balls and I’ve got balls too,” he’d say. “We’ve both got balls!” I miss him so much.

Me pot o’ gold is a pile o’ shite
-self deprechaun

Sister..I used your brush on the dog. Me.. I dried your jeans on high heat in the dryer.

I'm high on life! <derogatory>