CSHLaboratory

Attention, our Dear Leader has taken a Lab Leak. Please send a cleaning crew to Room 420, ASAP.

We're back! I've been on sabbatical for the last 6 months, what did I miss?

We are excited to announce that our premier scientific journal eCSHLJ has been given a new impact factor for 2025. Our new impact factor is: 956! To celebrate we will be lowering our per-publication fee to only $45,000, through the end of the month! Article submission fees will remain at $7500.

Today we're excited to unveil our newest statue of Dear Leader, a true Science Pioneer & fundraising genius! We thank all the graduate students that graciously contributed their "thesis defense fees" and postdocs who volunteered 17% of their salary (tithe+) to the cost of commissioning the statue!

New for 2025! Our gift shop will now sell our famous and delicious "Salt of the Science", made from authentic postdoc tears! Come get yours before we run out!

False. We only allow pictures of people with beards.

False. We only allow pictures of people with beards.

We will also be installing a new feeding system for trainees, locally known as "The Trough". As an incentive, students signing up to volunteer for yacht duty, helping winterize the faculty yachts, will get first dibs at the trough!

Our new Department of Efficiency will ensure our federal funding is utilized to its maximum potential. As such, we will be closing our student/postdoc cafeteria to discourage long lunch breaks and turn it into a long-awaited 5-star faculty lounge, to maximize our faculty's "intellectual time".

Welcome to our new followers! Stay for excellent professional development tips, inspirational quotes, high-impact factor science, and of course FREE lobsters!

Bob Graybeard aka BSD Neuro was one of our most beloved affiliates. Our development office has named our Faculty Spa after him. We will always remember his demanding work ethic and his love of inspiring a 12-hour workday out of his trainees. Not to mention a killer golf swing!

Get your tickets to this once a year event!

Watch faculty engage in pipetting competitions, a dance-off, rock-paper-scissors, cake baking, grant formatting contest, grad student wrangling and postdoc psychology! Last two combatants will reach a tenure decision by a coin flip! Heads you’re promoted, tails you’re fed to the lobsters!

It’s almost February, which means it’s time for our annual Tenure Games (aka Tenure Madness)! Watch ten junior faculty outwit, outsmart and outperform each other for the coveted Tenure Prize! There can only be One!

Only battle-tested outstanding graduate students need apply, you will need all your wits about you in our new lobster pits! 🦞🦞🦞🦞

And while you are here be sure to check out our new lobster pit where graduating PhD students have to defeat Lobstertron in a battle to the death, as part of their thesis defense.

“Any underperforming graduate students will be fed to the lobsters.” We stand by this and will not agree to any contract with the “student yachtworkers” union unless this provision remains.

Now available in our gift shop!

Please note that we will be raising the on campus bathroom fee to $8 per-use. This encourages productivity in labs and helps keep CSHLaboratory clean! Thank you for your understanding.

We ask all visitors to CSHLaboratory to please refrain from feeding the grad students, they are feral creatures and they can bite!

FREE LOBSTERS EVERYONE!!! FREE LOBSTERS!!!