Crooked Union Guy

Man I bet FIFA feels fuckin stupid right now

Shit yeah

Whoa whoa whoa coworker from a year ago DMing me to ask if I know female coworker from a year ago’s instagram handle…

Buy me a drink first

Back in the day My dad had this joke where if someone had a bunch of something he would say they had more of it than “Ayatollah Khomeni had mines in the Persian gulf” (i.e. “Damn Bill you got more cars than…”) anyways I hope pops tries it on him tonight in heaven (I think they’re both in Heaven)

Sitting in a bar in Calumet, MI and they got Fox News on talking about the Iran bullshit and two old timers at the end of the bar are just agreeing with everything. Bartender changes it to hockey an the younger dude next to me goes “thank fackin gawd” in full blown Yooper

Just landed at an airport in the upper peninsula of Michigan and it looks like North of the Wall in Game of Thrones if they had an airport

This makes it sound like people are scared that he’s gonna get smarter

Separation anxiety went so hard. I had it in sega

I’ve got an idea for a new number. I’m gonna call it Brelve.

The most electrifying name in jorts entertainment

For me he is and always will be Nick Naylor from Thank You For Smoking

“ Fifth grade classes button making privileges suspended indefinitely”

Man season 2 is…not that good lol

Finally, watching season two of my favorite wacky, British buddy cop show. Laugh riot. Start to finish.

“When you talk like that it alienates—“

Yeah I’m a go ahead and stop I actually don’t give a shit

I love a city that appeals to my inner degenerate scumbag so brother lemme tell ya that uh yeah… Myrtle Beach, SC fuckin rules

eBay review:

1 star ⭐️

Baby shoes.
Hella worn.
Fucked up.

John Leguizamo, the New York actor?

He’s making decisions every day. Nobody’s arguing that. My man is out there making choice after choice. This is a guy who after the Venezuelan boat bombings posted a meme saying “that’s what happens when you bring drugs into America” and I was like yo…you do drugs.

A fourth estate??

In this economy?

Just the other day I pointed out about him that we work 5 feet apart and occupy entirely different realities. I’m a US citizen who’s on a globe circling the sun and he’s a US National on a flat disc hurtling thru space.

He tells everybody. He was telling it to the young boys last tax season “all you gotta do is declare yourself a US National and check ‘do not withhold’” one of them was like “I tried that and it said I’m still gonna owe” and he was lie “yeah that’s what they say but you don’t”

My homie on the jobsite who says he doesn’t have to taxes because he paid a lawyer $500 to strip him of his US Citizenship is posting videos to his story of him driving his truck drinking a miller tall boy and bumping 2010’s Gucci

I be tucking my pants into my shirt I don’t give a fuck

Who’s asking?

Me when they tell me I failed the drug test: ….yeah man I don’t know if we can trust that

I bet when you first start out you think you’re gonna be the kind of boss the henchmen trust an feel safe telling anything but the boots on the ground reality is probably way different

I joined the American Skeptics Society and those idiots let me in no questions asked

Imagine trying to just mind your business and just be racist in peace and the Republican Party just keeps embarrassing the shit out of you

Alec Baldwin drunk as hell asking Hilaria to do the accent tonight