Alexa, start the adoption process for a raccoon
26.02.2026 06:39 — 👍 137 🔁 46 💬 3 📌 1Alexa, start the adoption process for a raccoon
26.02.2026 06:39 — 👍 137 🔁 46 💬 3 📌 1Take me for granted harder. I’m about to cum.
26.02.2026 03:59 — 👍 17 🔁 6 💬 0 📌 0Live, laugh, hey that was my last beer.
26.02.2026 02:22 — 👍 99 🔁 46 💬 3 📌 0Every once in a while, I think about the local grocery store cashier named Density and wonder what her life’s been like
25.02.2026 20:31 — 👍 123 🔁 31 💬 9 📌 2picking my favourite flavour tums out of the bottle like they're froot loops
18.12.2025 04:44 — 👍 180 🔁 37 💬 7 📌 4
Head Elf storming into Hermey's room from the Rankin-Bass production of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, asking, WHY WEREN'T YOU AT ELF PRACTICE
WHY WEREN'T YOU AT MILF PRACTICE
14.12.2025 23:00 — 👍 2452 🔁 995 💬 19 📌 26every seat in a movie theater should have an "I have to pee" button and if enough people press it they should be able to pause the movie
07.01.2026 02:08 — 👍 7142 🔁 1054 💬 65 📌 124wdym you’re pulling out do you hate me
09.01.2026 05:36 — 👍 15 🔁 4 💬 0 📌 0Don't make me do it (press the button that says restore 68 tabs)
13.02.2026 14:10 — 👍 282 🔁 69 💬 11 📌 0I tried on my swim shorts from last year and I’m not going to swim anymore I guess
25.02.2026 07:56 — 👍 177 🔁 45 💬 6 📌 0
here’s the thing
*totally not the thing*
how quickly do thin mints start working? i just ate a whole sleeve
24.02.2026 23:27 — 👍 126 🔁 36 💬 2 📌 0My reply game is far superior to my post game.
25.02.2026 20:02 — 👍 319 🔁 25 💬 14 📌 8Stupid things love to grow in my brain.
23.02.2026 20:29 — 👍 41 🔁 20 💬 6 📌 0I hope this cyclone picks my house up and Wizard of Oz’s me
23.02.2026 12:14 — 👍 97 🔁 24 💬 5 📌 0Thats it! I hurt myself standing up. The end is near.
23.02.2026 19:18 — 👍 115 🔁 40 💬 12 📌 0The only thing hiding in my drafts folder is how big of a dork I am.
25.02.2026 12:24 — 👍 74 🔁 26 💬 9 📌 0My dog is into walkmaxxing and treatmaxxing.
25.02.2026 13:12 — 👍 154 🔁 58 💬 6 📌 1We all know that folding a fitted sheet is utterly nonsense. It's origami for crazy people.
24.02.2026 15:16 — 👍 67 🔁 30 💬 6 📌 0A Waterpik, but for my brain.
22.02.2026 15:31 — 👍 71 🔁 33 💬 3 📌 2saving a file twice just in case the computer hates me
25.02.2026 19:38 — 👍 8 🔁 2 💬 1 📌 0Drinking tea while eating coffee cake. I cant be tamed.
24.02.2026 01:21 — 👍 107 🔁 24 💬 10 📌 0I love texting because I don’t have to use any of the muscles in my face.
24.02.2026 13:46 — 👍 209 🔁 100 💬 4 📌 0my superpower is inspiring people to talk while i’m talking
24.02.2026 18:24 — 👍 195 🔁 66 💬 12 📌 0At this point, zoning back in is not an option.
24.02.2026 19:20 — 👍 91 🔁 42 💬 1 📌 0Someone tell me to get off my ass, get dressed, & take a walk.
25.02.2026 19:28 — 👍 12 🔁 1 💬 6 📌 0Time to start fighting the real enemy: Big Potato.
25.02.2026 14:08 — 👍 149 🔁 63 💬 23 📌 2Trying to reduce my scream time this week.
29.01.2025 19:07 — 👍 148 🔁 68 💬 1 📌 2
A cat appears to whisper in the ear of a dog.
"I know it was you, Fredo."
25.02.2026 13:32 — 👍 419 🔁 83 💬 15 📌 4