Wildlife Treasury

A female Black Widow Spider hangs upside down as she spins an egg sack. She is completely black with a large abdomen and thin legs. The signature red mark on her abdomen is not visible.

Phylum: Arthropods * Class: Arachnida * Order: Araneae * Family: Theridiidae * Length: 1/2" female * Leg Span: 2" (female) * The male is much smaller

Black Widow Spider #internationalwomensday

Little, orange fish swimming in front of plants. Some of the fish have long, pointy bits on the end of their tails, presumably the source of their name.

Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Pisces * Order: Cyprinoidea * Family: Cyprinidae * Length: 6" * Age at Maturity: 1.5 years * Young born alive * Male swordtails are assholes. They're so driven by toxic masculinity that the one who is most aggressive will eventually kill any other males by starving them to death. The lone male will then pester the females until they mate with him. I think we all knew that guy in college; he currently runs a private equity firm. Or maybe he's the insecure, orange little bully running the country.

Swordtail

A lovely, little black-and-white skunk moving along the grass. I believe he's chasing a black-and-white cat whom he will inevitably kiss without consent before she scrambles away from him once again. This guy needs to be put on a list...

"As winter approaches, the skunk gets very fat". Apparently, I am a skunk. I'm also able to shoot "a stream of nauseating, irritating liquid to a distance of more than a yard" whenever someone asks me if I want to go to Happy Hour after work. * Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Mammalia * Order: Carnivora * Family: Mustelidae * Length: to 16", plus 16" for the tail * 1 litter/year * Gestation: 63 days * Life Span: 10 years

Skunk

An amphisbaena, a legless, reptilian creature you never knew existed until this very moment and now you wish you could go back to 30 seconds ago before you read this post. It looks like a giant earthworm, covered in rings of scales, alternating between silver and black. HP Lovecraft was probably a big fan of this thing.

For a long time, people thought the amphisbaena might have two heads, one at each end. They weren't sure, because no one wanted to go near this thing to get a closer look at it. * Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Reptilia * Order: Squamata * Family: Amphisbaenidae * Length: to 2' (*shudder*) * Color: Whitish * No right lung (WTF?) * Sharp, solid teeth * Lays eggs * Young have an egg tooth that helps them break the eggshell

Amphisbaena

A blurry picture of an eagle owl swooping down to snuff out the life of a small rodent minding its own damn business

"The eagle owl fears neither the crow's beak nor the porcupine's quills. But he is afraid of spiders, which I can't blame him." Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Aves * Order: Strigiformes * Family: Strigidae * Wingspread: 6' * Weight: to 7lbs for males, to 5.5lbs for females * Eggs: laid once/year, often 3 at a time * Incubation: 35 days

Eagle Owl

An elephant seal, which looks like a normal seal, but has a really long nose and big ears. Apparently they're afraid of mice.

Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Mammalia * Order: Carnivora * Family: Phocidae * Length: Male: to 21', Female: to 12', Pup: 4' at birth * This is a really horny entry, going into detail about their mating rituals. The male elephant seal's "trunk", an extension of their nose (get your head out of the gutter) can get as big as 15", but doubles in length if the seal is excited. The word "excited" is not defined here, so do with that what you will. Also, TIL, seals and walruses have two wombs. WTF? Nature, you crazy!

Elephant Seal

Two penguins standing next to one another on a frozen tundra. Despite the name, neither one is a British pop singing diva as far as I can tell.

Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Aves * Order: Sphenisciformes * Family: Spheniscidae * Length: to 28" * Plumage: Black and White * Feet: 4 toes, 3 joined by a web

A gaggle of gooses walking by. They're all gray-brown, with white underbellies, and orange bills.

Gen X kids being taught how foie gras is made absolutely tracks. No wonder we all need therapy (but so many refuse to go). Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Aves * Order: Anatidae * Weight: to 20lbs * Male will mate w/4 or 5 females and then ghost them because he listens to gandersphere podcasters and influencers and then complains that he's lonely * Incubation: 31 days * Enlarged belly or underside (same, honestly)

An adorable otter standing up on its hind legs, helping you unwind just a little bit from the news of today

Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Mammalia * Order: Carnivora * Family: Mustelidae * Length: 35 - 50", including 12 - 20" tail * Weight: 11lbs * Gestation: 9 weeks * 5 webbed toes (Same, honestly) * Short legs (Same) * Fur: Heavy & waterproof (I'm only one of those things...)

How about a cute, little otter to cleanse your timeline?

A small, brown bird with very thick feathers, staring off into the distance, contemplating his existence.

Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Aves * Order: Charadriiformes * Family: Stercorariidae * Length: up to 24" * Wingspread: 50" * Eggs: 2 at a time, sunny side up * Incubation: 28 - 30 days * 4 Species: Great Skua, Pomarine Skua, Arctic Skua, Long-trailed Skua

A fennec, AKA a fennec fox. Small, light brown, very fluffy, with beady little black eyes. Did I mention the gigantic ears? They're Will Smith-sized ears.

Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Mammalia * Order: Carnivora * Family: Canidae * Length: 16" long, plus 10" for the tail (I don't know why the tail is measured separately from the rest of the length, but I didn't write the card) * Height: 8" * Ears: 6" (Does that mean they rest of the body is only 2" tall or does the 8" include the ears? And if so, why are they mentioned separately? Whoever wrote this card should have been fired. * Large earbones (Well-developed hearing cavities) * Life span: 15 years

A large, brown gnu. He (or she) has brown skin, big horns, a lot of wrinkles because he/she doesn't use a proper moisturizer, and a flock of birds on its back. The gnu is glaring at the camera with a look of annoyance because you just asked it, "Hey, what's gnu with you?" Real original, man...real original.

Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Mammalia * Order: Artiodactyla * Family: Bovidae * Length: up to 6.5' * Height: 4' * Weight: 550lbs * Number of Young: 1 * Gestation: 8 mos * Both male & female have horns

Two small chamois, which look like goats, with dark brown fur on their bodies, black fur on their legs, and black areas on their faces. Their horns are small and pointy. They're standing on a mountaintop covered in low-lying grass.

Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Mammalia * Order: Artiodactyla * Family: Bovidae * Length: 4' * Weight: 100lbs * Life Span: 22 years * Both sexes have upright horns that curve and cross * Length of Horns: 10" * Scent glands at the base of the horns * Easily tamed * Hide is sometimes made into cloth used for polishing metal because it will not leave scratches

The chamois' most dangerous natural predator, the ShamWow Guy

Always read the ALT text...

A long, orange snake with dark spots. It is currently curled up, looking like it's about to strike something off camera.

Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Reptilia * Order: Serpentes * Family: Boidae Length: to 24' * Breeds once a year, 20 to 40 eggs at the beginning of the year * Length of young: 1 to 1.5' * Small spurs, vestigial remnants of rear legs

I did some research on the New York Zoological society bounty for a 30' anaconda and found this NY Times article from September 2007. The bounty was up to $50,000 in 1997 (👀), but was removed in 2002. The bounty for finding a giant alligator in the sewer still stands, though.

Tiny, little fish with silver bodies, and tails made up of various shades of red, gray, and black. They're swimming towards a yellow flower whose stem is underwater and it's blossom is just breaking the surface.

Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) * Order: Atheriniformes * Family: Peochiliidae * Length: 2" female, 1" male (but he says he's closer to 8") * Life Expectancy: 2 or 3 years or a single gulp by a University of Iowa frat boy in a dank, dirty basement.

Classic

A small, nasty-looking little mammal that looks like it wants to tear your face off.

Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Mammalia * Order: Carnivora * Family: Mustelidae * Length: 30" * Weight: 22lbs * 2 to 5 young

Two swans in a mountainous region next to a tranquil lake. One swan is watching in the background as the other swan is waddling towards you in a "Come at me, bro!" pose, his wings expanded for maximum intimidation and it's working.

Phylum: Vertebrata * Class: Aves * Order: Anseriformes * Family: Anatidae * Characteristics: (Wild swan) * Length: 50" * Weight: 15-26lbs (not 25) * Reach: 42" * Best Move: Strong, right hook * 5-7 eggs, laid once a year * Incubation period: 8 weeks * Nest at water's edge

White Throated Capuchin - A tiny little monkey with fur of various shades of brown. Seen here in a tree, but also likes hiding in air ducts at Greendale Community College, living in spacious New York City apartments that could not realistically be owned on a paleontologist's salary, and spreading diseases that only Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo can cure.

Phylum: Vertebrata - Class: Mammalia - Order: Primata - Family: Cebidae - Length: 12" - 16" - Tail: 24" - Gestation: 6 months

100%. I thought this was going to be something tiny that I'd never even notice, but I'm going to notice a 3-foot-long worm swimming beside me!

a man wearing glasses and a suit is making a funny face and says nope ALT: a man wearing glasses and a suit is making a funny face and says nope

No kidding! 12" to 35" long!?

The nereid is a terrifying, aquatic worm that looks like something straight out of a Lovecraftian nightmare. It has multiple segments, tentacles, and pincers, which it uses to capture small crustaceans, worms, fish, and the cerebral cortex of Commander Chekov in that one scene from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

Phylum: Annelidae Class: Polychaetae Order: Phyllodocida Family: Nereida Length: 12" to 35" (Oh, hell naw!) Up to 200 rings (But only one Ring to rule them all)

A gray kangaroo

Phylum: Vertebrata Class: Mammalia Order: Marsupiala Family: Macropodidae Height: Up to 7' Weight: 200lbs Tail: 48"

Cheetahs feasting on a bloody, unrecognizable corpse, which is pretty nuts for a kids' educational product

Phylum: Vertebrata Class: Mammalian Order: Carnivore Family: Felidae Length: 60", plus 24" for the tail Shoulder Height: 24" Weight: 120lbs

A big ol' stag beetle

Phylum: Arthropoda Class: Insecta Order: Coleoptera Family: Lucanidae Characteristics: 2-3" Flight Speed: 35MPH Eggs laid in June Larval Stage: 4-5 Days Life Span of Adult: 1 month