Adrian Chiles (Tiffin Fiddler / Wax Paper Dabbler / Parody)

Morning Mo. Hope you have a good one! Go get them, Tiger!

Okay, let's see how much you'll enjoy my "Irene or Kurt Vonnegut" competition.

I refuse to like any of this and you'll probably not be hearing from my lawyers.

Adrian Chiles, a handsome and perfectly symmetrical man, is today looking at himself in the mirror and concludes: “I have perfectly symmetrical knees which amazed doctors and have already helped further our understanding of human locomotion”. He stands straight and tall in order to boast: “Only one in ten million of us is born with perfect knees but the next generation of Boston Dynamics’ robots will be walking on my legs.” Today, Adrian is wearing blue jacket from his new Spring/Summer collection, along with trousers tight in the knee to show off his perfectly formed ligaments.

Walk this way, NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles, a handsome man, is back on Bluesky to announce, “I have developed some pretty strong opinions about beetroot”. He continues with this newly found bravery: “As the world stumbles towards chaos, it’s finally time to speak openly about the worst pickled vegetable and the kinds of people who buy it.” Today Adrian is wearing a smock and smurfing goggles with haptic feedback.

Blazing a path across your social media NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles, a handsome man, is about to bring in 2025 and offers this tip. “My New Year’s Resolution is to stop plucking my thick nostril hairs and leaving them in places for others to find and to cherish.” He continues: “It made me humble thinking strangers would own my DNA without realising its value but now I feel like I need a new creative outlet”. Today Adrian is wearing a white shirt and blue jacket, a style he thinks will be all the rage in 2025.

Sick of mince pies? Then go read my minced prose NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles, a handsome man with a healthy glow, is today promoting his new product range and his pitch is a compelling one. “Critics say taking multivitamins does nothing but produce very expensive urine but they never tried to sell it for £9.99 a bottle.” He then holds up his pint bottle which looks like a repurposed carton of milk with the words “Semi-skimmed” scribbled over in a black Sharpie and the word’s “Chiles’ Liquid Miracle” printed below it. But wait. He’s not yet finished. “Celebrity memorabilia is the new liquid gold,” he explains. “So don’t miss your chance own micrutant brewed in the BBC and bottled in a shed in Chiswick.” Today Adrian is wearing his bottling smock, a white shirt stained a little yellow down the front. His jacket is from Tom Ford’s 2011 collection being the famous ‘Arctic Summer’ blazer handcrafted from seal fuzz.

Getting close but there's still time for those last minute ordures! Get yours NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles, a handsome man, smells faintly of pinewood today as he addresses the multitudes. “People often stop and ask me to name my favourite coniferous tree and are surprised when I don’t name the Norway spruce”. He turns smiles kindly, pats a nearby child on the head, and continues. “Don’t get me wrong, I think the spruce has a lot going for it but, for my money, you can’t beat the humble larch or the mighty Douglas fir”. Today Adrian is wearing his white Norwegian woodsman's tunic with his jacket made from authentic hide from a rare blue reindeer.

Wood, people! Let's talk wood! NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8!

Adrian Chiles, a handsome and festive man, is today rushing to write his column. He explains: “Already sad that my six-inch snow globe had developed a one-inch bubble I then discovered that the rubber bung had perished”. He quickly provides us with a sub-headline but he’s clearly in a panic. “My Christmas plans are in ruins,” he says, “as I now spend my days searching for a half-inch tapered plug made to fit my glass Santa’s gaping hole”. Today Adrian is wearing… No, it’s too late. He’s gone. I think it was a white shirt with some kind of blue jacket but I might be wrong.

Man seeks rubber plug. Half inch diameter. More to follow. Read about it, NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles, a handsome and festive man, is today rushing to write his column. He explains: “Already sad that my six-inch snow globe had developed a one-inch bubble I then discovered that the rubber bung had perished”. He quickly provides us with a sub-headline but he’s clearly in a panic. “My Christmas plans are in ruins,” he says, “as I now spend my days searching for a half-inch tapered plug made to fit my glass Santa’s gaping hole”. Today Adrian is wearing… No, it’s too late. He’s gone. I think it was a white shirt with some kind of blue jacket but I might be wrong.

Man seeks rubber plug. Half inch diameter. More to follow. Read about it, NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chile, a handsome but hairless man, is today chucking with villainy as he prepares for his next project. “Jeff Bezos inspired me to embrace my inner baldie but I was shocked to discover that he’s the identical twin to William Hague.” But wait. Those are the villains we mean. He explains: “Shaving my head in December left a chill around my ears but nothing stopped me once I heard that the Bond producers need a new Blofeld.” Today Adrian is wearing his lair costume, being a volcanic white collared shirt and ninja jacket complete with launchable speedboat for a quick getaway. He is also thinking of the word “talcum” and chuckling to himself. Fiendish!

It's a new week and time for a new look! Also time for more of my words, NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles, a handsome and virile man, is in a wistful mood today and admits that “I miss the thrill of sniffing the Argos catalogue and dreaming of cordless drills before lingering over candid shots of power showers”. He continues in this nostalgic vein by recollecting his sensual pleasures of yesteryear. “Nothing in modern life matches the erotic potential of a one-inch-high woman peeking out from behind a plastic Habitat shower curtain”. Today Adrian is wearing his Sunday lounging shirt and blue smoking jacket given to him by the late Leslie Phillips. In fact, this is the very same jacket that Phillips wore in the 1976 sex comedy, ‘Spanish Fly’. Ding dong.

It's Sunday so I thought I'd hang around your timeline like a mysterious drone over a US naval base. For more drone-like action, go here NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles, a handsome man, is celebrating the launch of a very special project. Looking quite pleased with himself he is standing on a chair as he declares “Barry Gibb once praised my falsetto which he rated as second only to his which is why this week I’m releasing my Christmas album”. Does the excitement ever cease? It certainly doesn’t! He goes on to say “‘Yulechiles’ contains covers of 27 festive songs including my ‘Drummer Boy’ duet with Nick Campbell”. Today Adrian is wearing his special celebrity launch event costume, being a Biggin’s proof spittle resistant shirt and the jacket which still has the lipstick smear from when he was grossly accosted by Joan Collins at the launch of Brian May’s book on asteroids.

‘Yules Chiles’ aka ‘The Perfect Christmas Gift’

It's a very special Saturday so get down to your local Virgin and treat yourself to a special weekend treat. Go get your copy NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles, a handsome man, is celebrating the launch of a very special project. Looking quite pleased with himself he is standing on a chair as he declares “Barry Gibb once praised my falsetto which he rated as second only to his which is why this week I’m releasing my Christmas album”. Does the excitement ever cease? It certainly doesn’t! He goes on to say “‘Yulechiles’ contains covers of 27 festive songs including my ‘Drummer Boy’ duet with Nick Campbell”. Today Adrian is wearing his special celebrity launch event costume, being a Biggin’s proof spittle resistant shirt and the jacket which still has the lipstick smear from when he was grossly accosted by Joan Collins at the launch of Brian May’s book on asteroids.

‘Yules Chiles’ aka ‘The Perfect Christmas Gift’

It's a very special Saturday so get down to your local Virgin and treat yourself to a special weekend treat. Go get your copy NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Andrian Chiles (a handsome man) is standing tall today to opine (pun intended) on his love of tree bark. He says: “People scoffed when I started to collect tree bark but nobody is laughing now I’ve been made 2025’s Chief Barker for Tree Bark UK.” He continues to bark (pun intended) about his passion. “My love of tree bark goes back to the mid-70s when I found my first piece of tree bark and realised that tree bark can be really quite special”. Today Adrian is wearing the uniform of Tree Bark UK’s 2025 Chief Barker: a ceremonial white shirt soaked in spruce sap with a blue lumber jacket with oak cufflinks.

Hey, it's Friday and I want you to remember that I love each and every one of you, except people from Shrewsbury. Sorry Shrewsbury.

Other quite reasonable opinions are also available. Go read them NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles, a handsome man, is prepping for a busy Christmas. “This year I’ve bought 100 metres of bubble wrap to burst over Christmas which will give me a new personal best of 48,000 Yuletide pops.” The excitement mounts as he continues to lay out his plans for the year ahead. “I won’t set any new world records but I’m preparing to return to serious competitive action after a two-year absence due to marigold thumbs”. Today he’s wearing the official uniform of the British Bubble Wrappers Olympic Team being a white pop-proof shirt and patriotic blazer.

If Thursdays were a dog I think it would a saggy-joweled old Basset called Larry who isn't all there but is quite content to sniff his favourite sock. Just like you should be content to sniff my words... NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles (a handsome man) is today thinking about the future of our species and the ways he might help us reach the stars. He says “I need industrial wire-cutters to cut my big toenail which is why NASA listened to my proposals for a new heatshield technology.” It’s a remarkable confession but he’s not finished. “Genetically they say I’m remarkable but the science bods think they can grow my keratin in sheets big enough to coat future spaceplanes.” Today he’s dressed in his official Star Trek uniform, being a white Starfleet Academy shirt and blue Klingon blazer.

It's Wednesday! It's hump day! You all know what to do, so hump your way over and read my words NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles (a handsome bear of a man) is breaking some big news today so read the following in a hysterical voice. He says: “After selling the movie rights to my column, I’m excited that Olivia Coleman will play me thanks to CGI, latex and theatrical nose putty.” He continues the good news: “Paddington had his chance and now it’s time for the UK to adopt a new cultural figurehead often seen in a dufflecoat and red wellington boots.” Today Adrian is wearing his familiar white shirt and blue duffle with mink lining and epoxy toggles. Unseen in the photograph are his red wellington boots which he’s absolute certainly wearing.

Wazzup, my fellow humans! You know what to do. So do it NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles (a handsome bear of a man) is breaking some big news today so read the following in a hysterical voice. He says: “After selling the movie rights to my column, I’m excited that Olivia Coleman will play me thanks to CGI, latex and theatrical nose putty.” He continues the good news: “Paddington had his chance and now it’s time for the UK to adopt a new cultural figurehead often seen in a dufflecoat and red wellington boots.” Today Adrian is wearing his familiar white shirt and blue duffle with mink lining and epoxy toggles. Unseen in the photograph are his red wellington boots which he’s absolute certainly wearing.

Wazzup, my fellow humans! You know what to do. So do it NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles (a handsome man) is sounding a bit terse this morning. He says "I relax in the evening with Microsoft Flight Simulator and pretend I'm dropping a laser guided Vanessa Feltz on the Kremlin". He continues his cruel and unwarranted tirade with the admission "I sit in my attic room which I've converted into a fully functional mock-up of a B52 cockpit complete with inflatable Airplane style copilot". Today he's wearing his British Airways uniform minus tie.

It's Monday but there's not much we can do about that. Heads down and crack on. But first, go read my words NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles (a handsome man) is sounding a bit terse this morning. He says "I relax in the evening with Microsoft Flight Simulator and pretend I'm dropping a laser guided Vanessa Feltz on the Kremlin". He continues his cruel and unwarranted tirade with the admission "I sit in my attic room which I've converted into a fully functional mock-up of a B52 cockpit complete with inflatable Airplane style copilot". Today he's wearing his British Airways uniform minus tie.

It's Monday but there's not much we can do about that. Heads down and crack on. But first, go read my words NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles (a handsome is slightly right-angular man) is today slipping neatly between the lines and announcing: “I'm addicted to fish fingers but not for their taste but their shape and the convenient storage options they make possible in my freezer.” He then takes a sharp 90-degree turn (to the right) and says: “People call me an ‘out-of-box thinker’ but I’m a huge fan of boxes and box-shaped objects such as squares, cubes, and, of course, oblongs.” Today Ade is wearing his oblong faffing shirt, white with angular cuffs, and a lounging jacket suitable for Sundays, Church, and the more formal kind of public orgy. Not that he’s countenance such a thing but maybe he’s there in his capacity as one of the BBC’s top reporters.

Have a great Sunday, people! If you need me, I'll be in my shed. But please knock first. I'm experimenting with high-energy particles and there's no saying what they'll do if you walk in. Have you seen 'The Fly'? Well, that's what could happen. Go read my experimental data NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles (a handsome is slightly right-angular man) is today slipping neatly between the lines and announcing: “I'm addicted to fish fingers but not for their taste but their shape and the convenient storage options they make possible in my freezer.” He then takes a sharp 90-degree turn (to the right) and says: “People call me an ‘out-of-box thinker’ but I’m a huge fan of boxes and box-shaped objects such as squares, cubes, and, of course, oblongs.” Today Ade is wearing his oblong faffing shirt, white with angular cuffs, and a lounging jacket suitable for Sundays, Church, and the more formal kind of public orgy. Not that he’s countenance such a thing but maybe he’s there in his capacity as one of the BBC’s top reporters.

Have a great Sunday, people! If you need me, I'll be in my shed. But please knock first. I'm experimenting with high-energy particles and there's no saying what they'll do if you walk in. Have you seen 'The Fly'? Well, that's what could happen. Go read my experimental data NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles (a handsome man) is today bemeaning the state of his harvest. “Fame made life difficult down the allotment but tinted glass in my greenhouse left me with privacy and a crop of green tomatoes” he says, with a look of immense regret. He continues: “I’d hoped an inner city plot next to Simon Mayo’s shed would give me privacy but as his star dimmed attention began to turn to The Chilester.” Today he’s wearing his allotment gear starting with a white Monty Don original shirt, and his old gardening jacket, which was handed down to him by Terry Wogan.

Take care, people! Stay indoors and read my gale force words NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles (a handsome man) is today bemeaning the state of his harvest. “Fame made life difficult down the allotment but tinted glass in my greenhouse left me with privacy and a crop of green tomatoes” he says, with a look of immense regret. He continues: “I’d hoped an inner city plot next to Simon Mayo’s shed would give me privacy but as his star dimmed attention began to turn to The Chilester.” Today he’s wearing his allotment gear starting with a white Monty Don original shirt, and his old gardening jacket, which was handed down to him by Terry Wogan.

Take care, people! Stay indoors and read my gale force words NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8

Adrian Chiles (a handsome and well hydrated man) today reveals a trick of the trade as he asks “You might pity Amazon delivery drivers forced to urinate into bottles but have they ever tried to host a four-hour phone-in on Radio 5?” He continues, unabashed as he stands proudly with his legs apart and one hand on his Texas street-hustler belt buckle: “I won’t even go into a studio without an empty GlugGlug 3 litre Alpine walking flask with its wide-neck and drip-free hygiene spout.” Today Adrian is sporting his discretely long white shirt, beneath which he can get away with a variety of sins. His blue liquid repellent jacket is also cut extra-long to prove another layer of security.

Solidarity brother, sisters, and those people who are neither so it's technically okay to consummate a relationship with them but it would still feel a little bit odd. So no link today. ✊

Adrian Chiles (a handsome and well hydrated man) today reveals a trick of the trade as he asks “You might pity Amazon delivery drivers forced to urinate into bottles but have they ever tried to host a four-hour phone-in on Radio 5?” He continues, unabashed as he stands proudly with his legs apart and one hand on his Texas street-hustler belt buckle: “I won’t even go into a studio without an empty GlugGlug 3 litre Alpine walking flask with its wide-neck and drip-free hygiene spout.” Today Adrian is sporting his discretely long white shirt, beneath which he can get away with a variety of sins. His blue liquid repellent jacket is also cut extra-long to prove another layer of security.

Solidarity brother, sisters, and those people who are neither so it's technically okay to consummate a relationship with them but it would still feel a little bit odd. So no link today. ✊

Adrian Chiles (a handsome man) is today broaching a difficult subject being the death of his favourite goldfish. He writes: “My pet goldfish died so I embalmed Frankie Puddle and clipped him to my keyring so I can finger his pouty lips to relieve my stress.” Through his tears, he continues: “It's the ultimate tribute to a wonderful fish and wonder what other therapeutic uses we can put dead pets simply by setting them in resin.” Today Mr Chiles is dressed for mourning, wearing his sombre white death shirt and mortuary blue embalming jacket.

No link today. I'll be rinsing my pebbles before Christmas.

Adrian Chiles (a handsome man) is today broaching a difficult subject being the death of his favourite goldfish. He writes: “My pet goldfish died so I embalmed Frankie Puddle and clipped him to my keyring so I can finger his pouty lips to relieve my stress.” Through his tears, he continues: “It's the ultimate tribute to a wonderful fish and wonder what other therapeutic uses we can put dead pets simply by setting them in resin.” Today Mr Chiles is dressed for mourning, wearing his sombre white death shirt and mortuary blue embalming jacket.

No link today. I'll be rinsing my pebbles before Christmas.

Adrian Chiles (a handsome but chilly man) considers the following in today’s groundbreaking column: “The Gregg Wallace scandal reminds us that socks belong on your feet unless your penis gets particularly chilly during winter.” He continues after issuing a quick "burrrrr" and rubbing his hands together: “People think my column short yet ahead of the next Arctic blast I do wonder if I need to buy at least one sock three sizes larger than my feet”. Today he’s well lagged for the winter in his Damart thermal vest and warm fleece specifically designed for men in their eighties.

Wrap up warm NOW! tinyurl.com/33mmntv8