Rufus jones

Chef’s kiss!

Comedy = tragedy + time

Scarborough Fair = parsley, sage, rosemary + thyme

big Tom Skinner off Strictly

Klaus Kinski off Aguirre Wrath of Bosh

Strictly are blowing it if they don't have big Tom Skinner do an Aguirre themed dance

Sweaty red Tom Skinner

Less sweaty Tom Skinner

My friend Tom quit fapping and his biology shifted. Skin cleared, jawline sharpened, posture fixed. Women sense his unbusted alpha frequency when he makes eye contact. Semen retention = testosterone recycling. Stop draining your power and unlock Alpha Mode.

Connery looks like you just said something mean about Cher

Amazon have removed the guns from their Bond posters, giving the tantalising impression that Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan think you’re a wanker.

A printed poem which reads: I hav for breakfast Weetabix I hav for lunch some meat I have for tea 2 sosajis and thats enuf to eat Peter Hazel, 5

On National Poetry Day, the greatest poem I have ever read

Does this have anything to do with the time that Tylenol roasted Trump at the 2011 Correspondent’s Dinner?

The reason they come for comedians early is that a comic license is surprisingly easy to revoke. You just have to stop laughing.

Comedy is about safety, spreading that feeling of safety, intimacy, shared values, group strength.

They don’t want you to feel safe. They want you to feel scared.

Bloody hell. That’s something.

Since when did the Oxford Union become some high seat of debate and learning? It’s a hilariously Americanised view perpetuated by US guest speakers who naively thought they were being inducted into Hogwarts. These are kids trying out ideas like they’re doing wheelies.

MUUUMMMM JEEEEESUSSSS!

That was a really funny and beautiful speech, John.

Very moving (and funny) tribute to the great Bill Dare at the BBC Radio Theatre today. If you ever laughed at Dead Ringers or Spitting Image, that's probably thanks to Bill.

Daniel Levy was always steadfast in his position: "As long as Giorgio Armani has breath in his lungs, I will remain chairman of Tottenham Hotspur". And he stuck to that. Which was odd, really

BBC News headline: Frankenstein is monster success at Venice film festival

Actually, Frankenstein is a doctor success at the Venice film festival

Fuck it anyone want this?

Haha. There he is, Corfu Colin!

Still planning my book about the history of Religious Scepticism called I Like Big Buts And I Cannot Lie.

I would never tell anyone how to live their life, all I am saying is that the Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull Look is *available* to Ben Stokes.

Is there any greater assurance of an imminent ton of bullshit than the words, “pull that video up”?

Enough, already.

Little fucker’s arm cut off. Twat overboard. Coin in cunt’s brain. Got everything.

And now on Radio 4, The Archers, where Jill gets a nasty surprise as Jofra bowls a 98 mile an hour beamer at her head.

Haha. “If
I can just make the water, I should be finefffffucccckkkk…”

My weirdest moment on Twitter was James Mangold contacting me and saying that was his favourite screen death.

RIP Norman Tebbit. You invented the Cricket Test, and fair play, now you are the ashes.

I don't want to be provocative or anything, but this is a curious way to say the words "Bruce Forsyth with Play Your Cards Right"