S🌟tella

All's fair in love and war when you're a dick.

This day in history. 1906. American soldiers and marines massacred hundreds of Moro villagers including children and women. General Leonard Wood took responsibility but in 2016 Philippine president and 76-time murderer Rodrigo Duterte blamed Barack Obama of course.

The best way to avoid wasting good money on expensive binoculars or telescopes is by simply standing closer to the object that you wish to view.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

“There’s a clown hanging over you."

"You mean cloud.”

"I wish I did.”

"Dammit.”

I've been telling so many folks that I hope my parents are happy in heaven that dad now wishes I'd picked them out a care home with a different name.

I’m not great with idioms but I know one thing:

If wishes were fishes, snitches would get stitches.

a man with curly hair and glasses says " yeah don 't say that " ALT: a man with curly hair and glasses says " yeah don 't say that "

#AllThatIHearIs the voices in my head shouting, don't say that Lee for Bobs sake don't..

wondering if a passport is required to relocate to pluto

To fuck with coworkers I take a handful of rabbit droppings to work every day to drop in the toilet bowl and then leave it unflushed.

Any porn using a descriptive blurb that includes the phrase ‘fucked by their boss’ is going to be way too triggering for me to watch.

Take whatever you please:

1. A hug
2. A kind word
3. A listening ear
4. A bit of protection
5. A flicker of positivity
6. A touch of hope
7. Anything else I can do to help

I want you to know your needs are seen and felt and cared for.

Rage Against the Washing Machine.

If falling down when trying to put on my pants is a sign of how this day will progress, I should go back to bed now.

put my symptoms into WebMD and it said I have a really old joke format

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

A picture of a paused TV from the show Drops of God with 2 men facing each other and the closed caption reads, "You came fast."

Hey, it's been awhile OKAY?

Love is gentle...

Until it blows your mind.

World War Z had the best zombies.

💗💗💗💗

Chui pauvre mais j'ai les deux. Yuhuuuu

Strength isn’t always loud.
Staying out of stupid games? Now THAT’S power. 🇪🇸

😂😂😂

Fox News had a plastic surgeon comment on the war in Iran, so I’m not asking, I’m begging a giant asteroid — any asteroid — to take one for the team and make contact with our civilization

Just closed up the maintenance check on our last passenger airplane for a while. Freighters for the foreseeable future. This makes me happy.

Boxes don't give a fuck if the in-flight entertainment system isn't working.

Single-panel cartoon by Joe Lemon from 2020. Scene is a Missing Persons Bureau office, with balloons and cake and everyone wearing festive hats. All the PC screens show the Google home page. One guy is on his mobile, saying: "We're on it, Chief. I've already started a search party."

Modern police methods

I’m genuinely surprised by how nice I am

kind of crazy that if you have enough money and don't like what you see in the media, you can just buy up every film studio, news station, and social media app and change it

her: We need to talk

me: As you wish

her: Your obsession with The Princess Bride is driving me crazy

me: Inconceivable!

her: That's it, I’m leaving you

me: I think you're bluff—

her: *slams the door*

me: *turning to camera* Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something