S🌟tella

America isn't real. It's actually a social experiment testing how much its citizens can endure.

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: sorry sir, but that’s the all-you-can-eat buffet table

me: challenge accepted

Sorry your boyfriend thinks cunnilingus is a type of cloud.

Not to brag but it only took me five attempts to work out whether or not my sock was inside out this morning.

Ladies, the line forms to the left…

[breathing]

"I could do this all day.”

I check the want-ads every day but there's never an opening for an empire builder.

Not to brag but I’m sought after*

*wanted in 4 states

Not to brag but I just got my latest pension statement and as long as I retire in 1997 my retirement should be extremely comfortable.

Not to brag, but someone just told me I was better than nothing.

Not to brag but women often use me just for my body. For removing spiders mostly, but occasionally to help get something off the top shelf, too.

Every day I am thankful my balls do not have eyes.

spilled an entire bottle of hot sauce on the floor and now i'm doin the sriracha cha slide

how many shitposts until I find god

[me, flirting] are you a serial killer because I would like you to murder me

i got 99 problems…
gotdamn luftballons

At this point in our lives we are all familiar with Pam and or Ann. You know, the phonetic sound at the end of one or more of your prescription drugs.

I hope that creepy little figure lurking in the corners of all my dreams last night makes another appearance. I want to ask, what's up with that hat?

I'm not in a good mood.
Ever.

This day in history. 1991. Faroese novelist and poet William Heinesen died. His best known works are Árið Eg Misti Ongar Fingrar (The Year I Lost No Fingers), Skrubbandi (Floundering), and Skipstroyggjur av Ævinleikanum (Fishing Sweaters of Destiny).

This day in history. 1997. Paul McCartney got a bellyful of wine and was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. Congratulations Your Holiness, said George and Ringo.

Real is fucking rare because society prioritizes fucking appearances and comfort over the fucking truth

I spend entirely too much of my fucking day muttering fucking chucklefucks

Umami for your mami 🍥

Style examples I work in for a new pin 🧷

I just heard a crazy old woman in the street yelling 'don't you fucking dare walk away from me you fucking bellend' and all I could think was 'mother?'.

Not to brag but I've appeared on loads of 'What's Hot, What's Not' lists and the verdict is pretty unanimous.

I'm not.

You can fool some of the people some of the time, that's sufficient..

Can we not just get a do over and restart civilisation from Year Zero?

As long as there's cheese, there's hope.

My hopelessness waves to your hopelessness.