I hate the person I've become. I'm so bitter about the number of calories that other people are allowed to eat. I'm obsessed with calories. I think about food all day. I feel like I have to punish myself when I go over 800 calories. If I hit 1000 I feel like a failure.

I think I'm gonna make an appointment to talk about weight loss meds. I know I'll have to pay for them myself but I wanna check what the GP thinks. Worried about a) nausea and worse, b) messing with my anti-psychotics and c) the big bad brain tumour.

Why doesn't someone just hoover out all of my fat and donate it to people for BBLs? I won't even charge. Premium fat for free!

Tried this on again tonight and ok, it is a bit frumpy. I don't mind though. I could probably walk straight out of the sea and straight into the arcade... 😜

Heaven forbid a young woman have hips. Jesus Christ.

My father took this photo in 2005 because I wanted to see what my new backpack looked like. I was over 9 stone at this point, so already overweight for my height, and when I saw how wide my hips were, I went up to my bedroom and cried.
I'd be ECSTATIC to look like this now, BMI be damned. 🤣

Stretchy jeans and jeggings have been my life for like... a decade. I've worn rigid denim shorts but last summer they were a men's 38 inch waist. 💀
Most days I feel like I'm getting nowhere and I swear I look THE SAME, but something's definitely happening.

Haven't taken any progress photos since the 6th of January since it was so depressing last time, BUT I just got out a pair of size 12 non-stretch jeans that I used to wear around 2008 - 2010 and I can get them past my thighs and gigantic butt! I can't zip them up but I bet it won't take long.

Still obsessed with duck fat roasties. You can get a bag of pre-made lazy potatoes in Lidl and beef dripping potatoes in Aldi, so I might try them next time I go shopping. 217 calories for 200g of the duck fat ones and 264 calories for 200g of the beef dripping ones.

Ended on 779 calories even with the Freddos. 👌 Healthy? No. Essential? YES.

Do I feel amazing because the sun is shining or because I had 2 Freddos last night?
Sure it's just a coincidence, but I always feel a million times better the morning after I have chocolate... 🤣

Dropped down to 60 hours a week and now I'm averaging 17000 steps a day. Those little circles represent 10k steps - on the 26th I barely even made a dent. 💀 I know I need to do some proper exercise eventually but I live on such a walkable island.

Speaking of swimwear - bought this online and it arrived today. Just tried it on and it's SO CUTE. Yeah, it's a bit 'pensioner who wants modesty' but I don't care, I'm like an 80 year old anyway.

Yeah, you wouldn't wanna waste it... 😇 Tomorrow's a new day! I had a few days of overstuffing and got back on track today, thank God.

Yeah, great for protein, but bad for heart health/risk of colon cancer! Processed meat is worse though. And something's gonna kill me anyway... might as well enjoy my steak, haha.

When I was eating whatever, whenever, my diet was really chicken and tuna-heavy. Now I'm restricting, I'm constantly craving beef. Not great when we're supposed to limit red meat. 🙃

It's a miserable existence, isn't it? 😜 You're back in the UK now, aren't you? So you can finally eat REAL veggie food! I'm not surprised you're ravenous after your diet of beige. 🤣

Pushed past 16:00 and made it to 17:00 without food. 🥳 21 hours!

42 minutes until I can make some food. ⏰ Dr Jason Fung is right, though - the hunger I feel now is the exact same hunger I'd be feeling if I'd let myself eat 3 or 4 hours ago. I'm not any HUNGRIER because I haven't eaten, and if I'm gonna feel hungry anyway, I might as well get something out of it.

The amount of times I see stuff like this on Vinted and just think, yeah, that's not gonna work, is it?

28lbs down and I still haven't lost a single millimetre off my chest. I know some women would be thrilled but I am NOT. Boobs are heavy. They hurt my back and shoulders. I can't buy nice bras or swimwear in high street stores. I can't wear corsets or tops or dresses with built-in cups.

I just wanna eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat...

Bad news: I bought one AND I ate it despite buying that protein ice cream for this exact reason. I love being me. 🙄

I've had a mental few days. 1286 calories. 1032 calories. Today, 1125 calories. 800 has gone out the window. 😑

Read about this stuff on r/volumeeating. Ideally I won't need to eat it at all, but if I do, and I 'accidentally' eat the lot, it's the same as 3 Freddos but much more satisfying. Protein isn't great for a 'high protein' product but again, better than gorging on Freddos. 🤣

pls

Just looking at last year's A1c results and I was at 34 mmol/mol when I was eating HELLA chocolate (daily) and drinking full sugar Red Bull on the regular. I have been very, very lucky.
If I carried on like that into my 40s and 50s, I imagine I'd start having all sorts of problems.

Haemoglobin A1c level - IFCC standardised (XaPbt) 32 mmol/mol [20 - 41] (never been diabetic or pre-diabetic so expected)
Haemoglobin concentration (Xa96v) 148 g/L [120 - 150] (no anaemia, ayo)

Everything boring and average for full bloods. The other test results haven't come through yet.

I share my weigh-ins with my father. As you can see, he is ✨️thrilled✨️

Nevermind.