If this CVS playing Chappell Roan wants me to stop scream-singing along, all I can say is good luck, babe
10.03.2026 00:11 — 👍 2 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0If this CVS playing Chappell Roan wants me to stop scream-singing along, all I can say is good luck, babe
10.03.2026 00:11 — 👍 2 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0I dunno, living behind a brick wall in somebody's basement sounds kind of relaxing.
08.03.2026 15:58 — 👍 203 🔁 54 💬 9 📌 2Well, it's 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready... 4 for sales, 5 for customer service, or 6 to hear these options again.
09.03.2026 07:31 — 👍 53 🔁 15 💬 3 📌 0I hope that someday those Kraft singles find love.
06.03.2026 17:25 — 👍 326 🔁 84 💬 19 📌 8Ha! No, ma’am. I did give him a “what the heck is wrong with you?” look. He just shrugged and walked away
08.03.2026 19:19 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
He said “hey, if you need to find anything, I can help.” As she uncomfortably walked away, he yelled “you have pretty blue eyes!”
That is not what she signed up for, sir.
Watched a guy hit on a Costco worker today. It was just as cringey as it sounds.
08.03.2026 04:54 — 👍 5 🔁 1 💬 2 📌 0I heard like 80% of bald men still have their old comb. Turns out they just can’t part with it
02.03.2026 06:08 — 👍 277 🔁 66 💬 14 📌 2Bluesky should fix the bug in this app that keeps me from being funny
03.03.2026 18:26 — 👍 39 🔁 12 💬 2 📌 1life’s too short not to spend a little time harmonizing with other humans
04.03.2026 03:28 — 👍 45 🔁 20 💬 2 📌 0No one told me when you have teenagers you'll be on a first name basis with all the grocery store cashiers
04.03.2026 03:53 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Just watched Song Sung Blue. Was not emotionally prepared for it at all.
01.03.2026 06:06 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
16yo: I’m making tacos, but not using your seasoning because I don’t like it
Me:
I remember telling my mom when 4K people had followed me on Twitter and she said “why”
16.11.2024 08:45 — 👍 340 🔁 81 💬 11 📌 1
*joining new social media site*
Oh god, do we have to do this all over again?
how quickly do thin mints start working? i just ate a whole sleeve
24.02.2026 23:27 — 👍 126 🔁 36 💬 2 📌 0Coworkers who get up, walk away, and leave their chair in the middle of the office- who hurt you? Because it's about to be me
24.02.2026 18:36 — 👍 95 🔁 28 💬 3 📌 0Fact: sperm whales call humans “jizz monkeys”
27.02.2026 16:40 — 👍 221 🔁 78 💬 4 📌 1Party like it's my birthday? You mean screaming at the top of my lungs and covered in someone else's blood?
24.02.2026 00:03 — 👍 113 🔁 26 💬 7 📌 1
When I said Mmm while eating salad...
I was faking it.
Me, 10 minutes into my son’s Minecraft story
28.02.2026 00:30 — 👍 6 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0What wine pairs best with power? I want to be drunk with multiple things at once.
27.02.2026 21:11 — 👍 145 🔁 54 💬 7 📌 0
Me: No one is ever gonna know
AI: I already do
Ghosts don't just become friends, they become boosome buddies I'm so sorry and send
26.02.2026 20:31 — 👍 126 🔁 38 💬 8 📌 0
Sleepy tree branches against a cloudy sky looks more like cracked dried clay on the ground
cracks in the void
26.02.2026 14:41 — 👍 72 🔁 18 💬 2 📌 0Nobody ever tells me to just bring myself.
25.02.2026 19:04 — 👍 121 🔁 69 💬 2 📌 0I went out to feed the birds in what I can only describe as the most Lady Feeding the Birds at 7:30am outfit I own and there were a bunch of guys from the power company in my backyard. Mornin’, fellas.
25.02.2026 20:09 — 👍 62 🔁 18 💬 2 📌 0If I had invented the retinal scanner I probably would've said something like "It's for checking Eye D lol" and then my investors would've drowned me in a toilet.
25.02.2026 20:00 — 👍 136 🔁 45 💬 2 📌 0
“See you soon”
- my MIL’s subtle way of reminding me I’m taking her to her doctor’s appointment later today
