Chicago Pillar | Sports

The facade of Wrigley Field, a man in a cherry picker is installing black netting around the exterior. On the marquee is a message, "DON'T DO IT, THINK OF YOUR FAMILY"

#CUBS: In anticipation of season meltdown, Wrigley Field installs s**cide nets around stadium

an aerial shot of Soldier Field in Chicago, with the playing surface a disgusting, gravely, garbage-filled mess.

#BEARS: #DaBears, ahead of Monday Night opener against #Vikings, lay fresh gravel, garbage, wood chips on Soldier Field playing surface

Pope Bob, holding a cigar, wearing shades, and sporting a mustache

#WHITESOX: #Pope Bob enjoyed a cigar outside an Oak Brook 7-Eleven with a crowd of devotees on hand. “Dis place’ll always be White Hen, get me?” The mood soured as reports came in of a south side series loss to the Astros. His holiness sparked a Winston 100 & spat before his departure.

Pope Bob, holding a cigar, wearing shades, and sporting a mustache

#WHITESOX: #Pope Bob enjoyed a cigar outside an Oak Brook 7-Eleven with a crowd of devotees on hand. “Dis place’ll always be White Hen, get me?” The mood soured as reports came in of a south side series loss to the Astros. His holiness sparked a Winston 100 & spat before his departure.

Cubs broadcaster Boog Sciambi

#CUBS: Boog Sciambi temporarily abandons ayahuasca spirit journey to broadcast Phillies series opener

Kyle Tucker overlaid the fake rhino from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls where a hand is emerging from the rhino's butthole

#CUBS: Star RF Kyle Tucker injures finger during escape from within a rhinocerous

George McCaskey and Kevin Warren overlaid against a ragged cement lot where the Bears players are holding practice

#BEARS: Kevin Warren, George McCaskey settle on abandoned lot, a former Tilted Kilt location, for new Bears practice facility; plan stadium lot within a closed Shoney's

Tom Ricketts, Kyle Tucker, and a 100 dollar bill

#CUBS: Tom Ricketts, multi-billionaire, has offered all-star slugger Kyle Tucker a crisp $100 bill over a 10-year contract

radio host Dan Bernstein looking grizzled and haggard on a dock

#WSCR: Former 670 The Score host Dan Bernstein reportedly living in van down by river.

More here: tinyurl.com/4s8b89sz

The 2025 Bears schedule

#Bears: 2025 schedule release assures fans that Thanksgiving, Christmas won’t be ruined by franchise

Pope Leo XIV wearing a Cougars cap

#Cubs/#WhiteSox: Pope Leo XIV clarifies that neither MLB team currently piques his interest; is fully behind Kane County Cougars, however

Glenallen Hill swinging at a baseball that he hits into a new millennium

#Cubs: Northsiders celebrate 25th anniversary of Glenallen Hill hitting a ball into fuckin’ outer space; holy hell did he smash that goddamn thing at least 5-600 feet, my god

Chase Meidroth, White Sox second basemen, botches a routine infield fly while making an orgasm face.

#WhiteSox: 2B Chase Meidroth has surprise orgasm during pop-fly, leads to embarrassing error, Chicago loss

Ryan Pressly being sucked into the skullish maw of a galactic death god.

#Cubs: After historically bad outing, RP Ryan Pressly has been designated for assignment into the galactic abyss, lost to time and the ancient gods of humanity's ruination.

More: tinyurl.com/57cnc9s4

Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood hurling a bags/cornhole bag with all his might

#Cubs: North siders celebrate 27th anniversary of Kerry Wood hitting 20 bags ringers in a row.

More: tinyurl.com/5xmeyv7v

#NHLPlayoffs: Watching game 7 of Jets/Blues reminds #Blackhawks fans of Chris Campoli and Alec Martinez, as Chicago area ratings plummet during key playoffs game.

Shats MacDuffin, a portly bearded white dude wearing sunglasses and scowling as he observes practice.

#BREAKING: GM Kyle Davidson to announce that legendary NAHL brawler Shats MacDuffin will be next #Blackhawks head coach.

More: tinyurl.com/y3fd5bju

The dashing Jay Cutler, smoking 4 cigarettes at once, with a Malboro carton of smokes in the background.

#Bears: Former QB Jay Cutler signs multi-year endorsement deal with Marlboro cigarettes; anticipates being paid in product - "for love of the game," says Cutler's representation.

Bananas Sinclair, an orangutan in a baseball uniform, on the right with Cubs Pres. Jed Hoyer on the left making a phone call.

#Cubs: Hoyer to promote Bananas Sinclair, LHP/Orangutan, from AAA Iowa to Cubs main roster

Jerry Reinsdorf, White Sox owner, o grumpy old white dude

#WhiteSox: Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf has been successfully reminded that he owns White Sox.

“Oh yeah,” said Reinsdorf. “Thanks for that.”

He reportedly then resumed flicking boogers onto the windows of his luxury suite.

The Clemente wall in PNC Park

#Cubs: Pittsburgh PD has taken the right field wall into custody

RETRACTION: The Pillar editorial staff has removed the offending post regarding the fallen Pirates fan, and the social media intern responsible is no longer employed by Pillar Press Inc. We apologize to those impacted.

Also we are hiring social media interns; apply here: tinyurl.com/3cacjjjp

Lonzo Ball and Derrick Rose behind a graphic of a knee injury.

#Bulls: Chairman Reinsdorf to induct Lonzo Ball into team's prestigious "Hall of Knees," first member since Derrick Rose to join illustrious injury ring of honor.

More: tinyurl.com/yzr5bx3v

Bears president Kevin Warren imposed over a graphic of board game Monopoly's Baltic Avenue propery.

#Bears: Kevin Warren turns new stadium talks into developing lot at Baltic Avenue.

More: tinyurl.com/mr25f9vt

Cubs pitcher Shota Imanaga hurling a piss missile

#Cubs: SP Shota Imanaga exits Pirates game in 6th citing phobia of giant parrots

Niko Bellic from the Rockstar Games "GTA IV" release

#Illini: Illinois men's basketball program receives verbal commitment from Niko Bellic to join program for 2025 season.

Pillar Sports has also learned the UIUC bowling team has extended an offer to Bellic's cousin Roman.

More: tinyurl.com/5e2dm5wr

Leila Rahimi smiles as she speaks into a microphone

WSCR: 670 The Score makes Leila Rahimi full-time midday host, saddles her with unlistenable albatross as co-host. Mark Grote to say, "Bears" repeatedly in periodic hosting duties as embattled station continues kicking itself repeatedly in balls.

More: tinyurl.com/yk8py82m

Cubs infielder Dansby Swanson takes warmup swings before an at-bat against the Philadelphia Phillies.

#Cubs IF Dansby Swanson to miss 3-5 weeks after severely injuring both nipples at local fetish center. Manager Craig Counsell: "I don't even fuckin' know, guys."

More: tinyurl.com/2hac4mp5

Bears GM Ryan Poles alongside coach Ben Johnson at a podium defending his actions to the gathered media.

#Bears GM Ryan Poles defends decision to draft dead guy with 10th overall pick. "He ran a 4.4 40 before he died; that's elite speed you don't just ignore."

More: tinyurl.com/mr23xc9b