Zach Heltzel

We somehow have not ran out of new movies that were conceived and produced during the pandemic.

Nerding out by being able to name all the Taco Bell locations in the U.S. Nerding out by knowing the ingredients of Dr. Pepper and how it differs from the original recipe. Nerding out by bringing a bow and arrow to Target

The villain in the new Naked Gun is coded as Elon Musk but his evil plan is essentially what Robert F. Kennedy Jr. wants to do.

[watching Anchorman today] So that guy stormed the Capitol and got pardoned by Trump

I did. The machine for the sleep study kept malfunctioning the whole night but the doctor didn’t care and diagnosed me with mild sleep apnea anyway.

After 30 days of using the machine my sleep and fatigue were much worse, so I stopped.

they did what

this is what I mean by the actual keto diet btw. it's vicious

Netflix sheen is the aesthetic of American Fascism. In this essay, I will…

how is it that seemingly everything from socially constructive behavior to healthy eating (of a certain kind, like kale and tofu i mean) has become coded as indicating high trait conscientiousness and is therefore feminine and is therefore gay and is therefore liberal?

I have a Billy Madison 2 take, if you care.

Calling the FBI tip line to report a lead on a child rapist and sex trafficker. They get a detective on the line and I start recounting a meticulously detailed timeline of donald trump and his relationship with epstein mixed in with recording of FBI interviews and public comments by both suspects.

oh absolutely. the issue is that trump is too vindictive to have just let sleeping dogs lie. he wanted to get revenge on everyone that aggrieved him in his first term. i am 100% certain, in fact, that the project 2025 stuff was sold to him as a tool for getting that revenge.

Tampered with the files but didn't release them.

Half the graves I need to shit on haven't even been dug yet.

with 100% absolute sincerity, there may come a time when this is the thought that keeps you going until tomorrow, and also if we started wearing this on t-shirts I wouldn't say no

Family Guy is CoCoMelon for 32-year-old men.

I don’t think we talked enough about how the culture shifted so wildly between Joker being a massive critical and commercial hit and Joker 2 being one of the biggest bombs of all time.

Is there anything more romantic than sending TikToks and tweets (and by tweets i mean bluesky) back and forth and occasionally replying haha? That’s true love right there.

It is slowly becoming a possibility we might be about to witness the funniest thing that has ever happened.

I have zero knowledge beyond what is in the press, but at the very least it really *looks* that way.

the problem with actually having principles in the current moment is that if you drink too much you are liable to say something that ends with a check in

This is a much more thoughtful way of expressing what are essentially my thoughts as well.

My theory about men not getting laid, the manosphere, etc. is that these guys are only attracted to a very specific type of sorority girl aesthetic that doesn’t typically go for guys like them, so they desperately want to embody a fratboy persona they will never fit into.

Baseball fuckin’ rules.

A masterpiece of the artform. Equally believable as satire or reality.

I want to make the millennial version of The Morning Show. The pitch: every great actor of your time is hamming it the fuck up yet somehow it’s still the dullest thing you’ve ever seen.

The dying mall brand knows exactly what it was doing and is getting exactly what they wanted out of doing it. Don Draper would be impressed.