mika

hmmm i think maybe they’re not going on my chinese evergreens because they’re spread across the room and my other plants are all in the windows so they’re easier to just crawl between them or something idk i hate them so much <3<3

so now i’m convinced they’re just hiding all over my apartment and even if i get rid of them on my two infested plants they’ll just come out of their hiding places and start infesting different plants. like even if i got rid of all my plants they could come back or something

i hate thrips so much. and they confuse me because they’re attacking a succulent for some reason but not my favorite chinese evergreens. i’m happy my fav plants are ok but i don’t understand why they attack certain plants but not other ones?? and i just found one in my fucking bathroom????????

anyway i just responded to their hi and closed the app i need to sleep

person. like my teacher went to a talk about selective mutism ??? to learn how to help me better???? just like in her own free time??? she was so cool and nice :((((( i remember feeling like i was weirdly attached to her but it’s not that weird when she was being that supportive!!!!!!

that’s still bad. but also a good chunk is pandemic years. anyway now i really miss the high school i went to. my teacher was so nice!!! they were all so helpful!!!! i’m sad i dropped out and i’m sad i have no purpose. but i mostly just miss meeting people who are nice to me and then i feel like a

like i get i’m mentally ill or whatever but how am i wasting my life this much (<- it’s because of the mental illness)

actually 8 years ago i was trying to finish high school and going to therapy so i was doing things. i guess it’s the years after i dropped out i feel like i wasted. so 22-now

seeing my age listed with all my other information looks so weird how am i 28 how have i been doing nothing for 8 years what the fuck

i made the mistake of liking someone on a dating app and now they messaged me :/ i don’t want to respond :/

i think being around more people is making me feel it more. but it’s not convincing me that there might be people out there who would want to be close to me. it’s just making me sad and like i still can’t/shouldn’t try to form relationships

i’m so lonely and touch starved and i’ve always felt like that’s just how it’s meant to be for me and also that i don’t ever even deserve to experience closeness and love. but it still does makes me feel sad i guess /:

i felt very tired earlier and decided to just lie down on the couch but i ended up lying on one of the loose back cushions and it reminded me so much of a torso i started crying

but i don’t wanna go to bed either….. i should try to join the group walk tomorrow morning though,, it just doesn’t seem fun at all when it’s raining :/ ahhhhh

i keep just playing fortnite because i have nothing else to do then i get tired of it then i get frustrated trying to find something to watch everything is boring ugh -.- i just downloaded stray and i should play the dlcs in alan wake 2 but i don’t feel like it……… i should just go to bed i guess……..

i’m so bored!!!! there’s nothing to watch or do!!! -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

i feel so called out when i read about avpd lmao

like i’d probably just struggle to open up and never share what i want/need to share. like before. then they get frustrated and say they can’t help me. because they can’t. because i won’t open up. because i can’t talk and sharing things that actually matter to me is terrifying :) hmm -_-

also the more i feel like i get out of the group therapy the more i wanna see a regular psychologist again after. and take the things i’m learning with me to regular therapy and work on the more properly there. but that’s kinda what i always want and it never works out so what’s the point -.-

also it’s so weird to type out shit that’s only existed in my brain for years i’m immediately like. no all of this is wrong and weird and stupid and irrelevant

them. even though i think there’s a clear correlation between me feeling like no one could ever be genuinely interested in me and how this boy treated me. but i guess i should just look at how i view things now. and try to challenge some of these thoughts and attitudes. maybe. idk

normal experiences like "i had my first bf/gf at 15" or something. it’s "A BOY I LIKED CONTINUOUSLY HUMILIATED ME" and "I WAS SO DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION I TALKED TO 50 YEAR OLD STRANGERS AT 16". i do see how these things have shaped how i view this topic. but i also feel so silly for focusing on

talked to old men on the internet a lot when i was 16 lmfao. as an adult i’ve only had some conversations with people on dating apps. i have no other experiences with dating/romance/sex. so it’s like. any real experience i have with relationships and sex is from when i was a minor. and they weren’t

sexually harass me. then a year+ later he abused my brother. so it’s more clear to me now what his intentions probably were. but this would’ve probably been too heavy + weird to bring up during the group 🤔 then i had a couple of online friends confess they had crushes on me when i was 12 🤔 then i

that i’ve been thinking about the topic a lot during this past week. like i was thinking about this friendship i had with a boy when i was 11 and how that’s probably affected my schemas about relationships. basically i had a crush on him and he would play with my feelings and embarrass me and

though. i always feel like i have things i could say but there’s no way to actually get the words out :/ and the topic was one i have lots of thoughts on even tho i wouldn’t have any good or recent examples to bring up. the topic was relationships and sexuality 🤔 and i realized when sitting there

group therapy was good today i actually managed to say something during the break because the group was small (only 3 of us were sitting around the table at the time) so they probably felt like they had to include me in the conversation a little bit. during the actual session i couldn’t say anything

but also the scary parts are just way less scary with other people around you. it felt like i never got to feel fully immersed in the movie bc of it!!!

actually cry until i got to my apartment and then i broke down <3 idek what this movie made me feel because i was so focused on what everyone else in the room might be thinking. but i did see a tumblr post talking about it and it made me cry lol i think i need to watch it again by myself some day

i rewatched longlegs (by myself) last night and i finally watched lake mungo (with my family) tonight.
lake mungo was really good but i think i need to only watch movies like that by myself. like with i saw the tv glow i felt like crying so many times when watching it (in the cinema) but i couldn’t

i keep writing out stuff and deleting it because i can’t sort my thoughts out lol -.- i’m just gonna go sleep -.-