get your war on

get your war on 23 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/04/09/war23-3/ 1: So how's my little playa-hater this morning? Paul Wolfowitz was right and you were wrong! Go sulk with Hans Blix and Jacques Chirac! 2: I AM WITHHOLDING MY ANALYSIS UNTIL I HEAR FROM THE IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER. 3: You already know what he's going to say: "The infidels are being crushed by our noble falling-statue forces! Soon our mighty desecrated posters of Saddam will expel the invaders!" 4: What about, "Soon the Americans' hearts will be broken by a visit to the local hospital!"

get your war on 23 - #3

get your war on 23 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/04/09/war23-2/ 1: I think I just saw the statue of Saddam Hussein collapse for the twenty-fifth time! That footage is awesome. 2: I love watching it too-but the repetition reminds me of the last time I couldn't avoid watching footage of a certain event, in September 2001. 3: Yeah, but don't you see? This is the antidote!

get your war on 23 - #2

get your war on 23 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/04/09/war23-1/ 1: Hell yes! Let's get this party started!!!! 2: I was so happy to see that statue of Saddam come down- "Permission to stop thinking about Iraq, SIR!" 3: You know what suck? Cleaning up after a party.

get your war on 23 - #1

get your war on 22 - #8 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/03/20/war22-8/ 1: The Coalition of the Willing is about to rick! Thanks, Uzbekistan! Thanks, Macedonia! You guys are the best! 2: Can you believe Afghanistan signed on? Do they really have time to help with this? 3: Oh, that's no big deal- they're just allowing us the use of some broken promises.

get your war on 22 - #8

get your war on 22 - #7 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/03/20/war22-7/ 1: Just promise me one thing. Promise me that when you hear Saddam Hussein is dead, you'll stop moaning about this war for a moment and think of all the people that odious mother-fucker killed. Raise a glass to his victims. 2: You know what? Don't give me that shit. I know when to grieve, and for whom. Those sanctions made Saddam stronger and his victims weaker. Yet, somehow, mentioning this fact to people over the years made me a "hippie." A HIPPIE? I'm a middle manager who lifts weights and doesn't like the smell of marijuana! Meanwhile, Donald Rumsfeld is about to be treated as a humanitarian liberator! You don't need to tell me who to "raise a glass to," you fucking idiot-I raise six glasses every night, just to get drunk enough to love this country like I did as a kid: without feeling like it's using me. 3: Come on, I was trying to have a moment!

get your war on 22 - #7

get your war on 22 - #6 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/03/20/war22-6/ 1: All I have to say is, Once this is over, the Iraqi people better be the freest fucking people on the face of the earth. They better be freer than me. They better be so fucking free they can fly. 2: And they better get fed. They better get totally chubby. I want a fuckin' five-mile-long buffet for those kids-and I want that buffet to be permanent. 3: And I want a multi-million dollar reconstruction contract for Haliburton. God, that would really be so... just.

get your war on 22 - #6

get your war on 22 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/03/20/war22-5/ 1: I wonder what the weather will be like when "Shock and Awe" starts. 2: I heard it can be really effective on a beautiful, cloudless morning. 3: Yeah... I wonder what the dust will taste like to them?

get your war on 22 - #5

get your war on 22 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/03/20/war22-4/ 1: If I hear one more necktie-wearing motherfucker on TV wonder when they're gonna see "Shock and Awe" in action... 2: Dude, I heard someone on fuckin' All Things Considered sound disappointed that we hadn't started shocking and awing the Iraqis yet. IS EVERYONE DRINKING THE SAME WATER? I'm "shocked!" 3: Do you think, when the cameras are turned off, our war correspondents pay our soldiers to give them piggy-back rides? Do you think they giggle?

get your war on 22 - #4

get your war on 22 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/03/20/war22-3/ 1: Goddamn I hope the Iraqis burn those oil fields! Just burn 'em all, guys! Trust me-you'll be pissing off all the right people 2: DO YOU WANNA GET SHOT??? 3: In fact, I think everyone on earth should rise up and burn their local oil field. Those fuckin' things are more trouble than they're worth. The sooner they're gone, the better. 4: But those are France and Russia's property!!!

get your war on 22 - #3

get your war on 22 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/03/20/war22-2/ 1: Sweet Jesus, don't tell me Saddam Hussein is dead and Duke is about to lose! "This must be just like living in paradise!" 2: Poor guy... this is gonna be hard. 3: Hey-do the Iraqis own their oil fields yet? They're all gonna be rich over there now, right?

get your war on 22 - #2

get your war on 22 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/03/20/war22-1/ 1: Do you like to gamble? I love the feel of the bones in my hand. 2: I can't afford health insurance-does that count? 3: That's no excuse, man! You've gotta go big to win big! Like, I used to gamble using "$50" chips... 4: ...until someone showed me how to gamble using "10 million people at risk of starvation" chips!

get your war on 22 - #1

get your war on 21 - #6 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/03/10/war21-6/ 1: You know what the worst thing about Freedom Fries is? It just proves that nobody is taking this shit seriously. FOR FUCK'S FUCKING SAKE, we're about to go to war AGAIN! Would somebody please act like a fucking grown-up for once??? 2: Why, is there something at stake all of a sudden?

get your war on 21 - #6

get your war on 21 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/03/10/war21-5/ 1: Freedom Fries? Fuckin' Freedom Fries??? OK, I have a question-is the War on Terrorism over? Because I sure as hell want to know that ALL THE TERRORIST IN THE WORLD HAVE BEEN CAPTURED before legislators actually take the time to rename their GODDAM CAFETERIA FOOD! Listen: They're called French Fries, they're greasy, and they taste good with mayonnaise! FUCKIN' DEAL WITH IT!!! 2: Mayonnaise? Holy shit, are you British?

get your war on 21 - #5

get your war on 21 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/03/10/war21-4/ 1: I have a feeling this year's Saint Patrick's Day is going to be intense. 2: Do you celebrate Saint Patrick's Day? I wouldn't have thought so, 3: I don't know if "celebrate" is the right word-but I'm gonna be good and drunk.

get your war on 21 - #4

get your war on 21 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/03/10/war21-3/ 1: Someday, when I'm driving through a reconstructed, democratic Baghdad in my Freedom Car, I will pause and ask, Did the U.S. Government say one true thing in justifying Operation <insert the tough-ass name that we will soon learn here>? 2: And I will look up from counting ballots in Syria to reply, Who fuckin' cares? It worked out, didn't it? 3: And I will have to admit: It did indeed. (Then I'll probably have to get out and stop an Iraqi child from lapping up the water dripping from my Freedom Car's muffler. Why are those kids so thirsty?)

get your war on 21 - #3

get your war on 21 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/03/10/war21-2/ 1: Why does George W. Bush get everything he wants? Is it because he prays for it? 2: What are you talking about? Didn't you see the press conference? He prays for peace, my anonymous clip-art co-worker, he prays for peace- and he's sure not getting that. (Hey Mr. Bush, how does it feel to want? Oh-never mind.) 3: Dear Mr. Bush: PRAY HARDER, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! My mom can't do it all on her own!!! Are you praying in a sarcastic voice or something?

get your war on 21 - #2

get your war on 21 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/03/10/war21-1/ 1: Man, did Bush look tired during that press conference! 2: I hope he wasn't too inconvenienced. He sure looked perturbed. 3: Bush was so tired he kept repeating the phrase "September 11th" no matter what the question was-I wonder if he was aware of that?

get your war on 21 - #1

get your war on 20 - #6 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/02/28/war20-6/ 1: And I'll have more ideas for you. 2: And you'll have things you'll want to talk about... 3: I will, too.

get your war on 20 - #6

get your war on 20 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/02/28/war20-5/ 1: IT's such a GOOD FEEL-ING a very good feling 2: The feeling you know that I'll be back 3: -when the day is new-

get your war on 20 - #5

get your war on 20 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/02/28/war20-4/ 1: It's such a good feeling- -a very good feeling. 2: The feeling you know that we're friends. 3:

get your war on 20 - #4

get your war on 20 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/02/28/war20-3/ 1: It's such a good feeling, to know you're in tune. 2: It's such a happy feeling to find you're in bloom. And when you wake up ready to say- 3: I think I'll grow twelve inches today!!!!!

get your war on 20 - #3

get your war on 20 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/02/28/war20-2/ 1: It's such a good feeling, a very good feeling. 2: That feeling you know you're alive. 3:

get your war on 20 - #2

get your war on 20 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/02/28/war20-1/ 1: It's such a good feeling to know you're alive. 2: It's such a happy feeling: You're growing inside. And when you wake up ready to say- 3: I think I'll make a snappy new day.

get your war on 20 - #1

get your war on 19 - #6 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/02/10/war19-6/ 1: Jesus, this UK dossier on Iraq's concealment infrastructure is a total fuckin' hodge-podge! Can someone say, "C-"? Did they order the thing out of the back of Tiger Beat? 2: People are gonna die because of this document. Could you at least reword the passage you TOTALLY COPIED from outdated sources? Or get someone other than a spotty Manchester United-jersey-wearin' intern to handle the important paragraphs? For fuck's sake! Their concealment infrastructure dossiers are as crappy as their "news"-papers! (Thanks for being our "girlfriend" though, Mr. Blair!) 3: OH MY GOD!!! I just remembered! Saddam gassed his own people!!! Beep beep!

get your war on 19 - #6

get your war on 19 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/02/10/war19-5/ 1: Sorry, I've been sort of ranting. I didn't even ask how you're doing. Is you brother-in-law over there yet? 2: He left last week. My sister is totally freaking out. I'm like, "What-you don't want your husband engaged in small-arms combat on the streets of Baghdad?" She said, "What-you think there are going to be streets there by the time we touch down?" 3: Wait a minute- where will the kids play if there aren't any streets?

get your war on 19 - #5

get your war on 19 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/02/10/war19-4/ 1: Remember when our President's dad told Saddam Hussein's people to rise up against him, and then played that funny joke where he allowed them to be slaughtered? 2: What a gas! 3: Uh, actually, you're thinking of when we supported Saddam's genocide against the Kurds. 4: All I know is, Thomas Friedman said some people are about to get FREE!!!!

get your war on 19 - #4

get your war on 19 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/02/10/war19-3/ 1: WHERE THE HELL IS MY "FREEDOM CAR???" 2: Beep beep! I hear it! It's coming! 3: I bet the Freedom Car totally fucking disgusts Dick Cheney. (Not like Dick Cheney and the Freedom Car could simultaneously exist in the same universe, but... ) 4: WHERE THE HELL IS MY "MISSILE DEFENSE SHIELD???" BEEP BEE

get your war on 19 - #3

get your war on 19 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/02/10/war19-2/ 1: Sometimes I wish the Patriot Act was a little "Patrioter." Isn't there a way to beef it up? 2: I still can't believe they named that thing the fuckin' USA PATRIOT ACT. Grown-ups did that. Never forget that. 3: I know, but wouldn't it be awesome if they came out with a Patriot Act that was even tougher? Could they do that, somehow? 4: You think once they have Benjamin Franklin's body spinning in his grave fast enough, they'll be able to power an internal combustion engine with it?

get your war on 19 - #2

get your war on 19 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/02/10/war19-1/ 1: Did you hear? President Bush is holding a live two-hour press conference tomorrow night. 2: Thank God! He's finally going to answer- 3: Just kidding!

get your war on 19 - #1

get your war on 18 - #9 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2003/01/19/war18-9/ 1: If my daughters were systematically raped as part of a war crime, could I counsel them about abortion? Or would that violate the spirit of National Sanctity of Life Day? 2: Come on, we have to keep the spirit of that day alive all year! Like Ebeneezer Scrooge and Christmas! Life is sooo precious! 3: Yeah... what a precious gift life is. Especially when it's forced into you, bloodily, again and again, by a group of soldiers holding you down in a refugee camp. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

get your war on 18 - #9