get your war on

get your war on 10 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/05/02/war10-5/ 1: OK, one last scenario: Say we (somehow) LOST the war on terror, and the Taliban fucking invaded New York and kicked you out of your apartment. Now you're living in a cement hovel on Staten Island. Would you suicide-bomb yourself to get your apartment back for your kids? 2: Dude, listen to me! I am not the suicide-bombing type! I like to hang out with my friends and relax and fuckin' listen to "smooth jazz." MAYBE I would throw some rocks from Staten Island, but I'm not about to go fuckin' explode myself! I don't want total strangers picking up my god-damn strewn-about body parts-- I don't even like having my picture taken! 3: What the fuck is wrong with me???

get your war on 10 - #5

get your war on 10 - #4 hhttp://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/05/02/war10-4/ 1: Uhh, guys? Someone from the Office of Homeland Security just called saying they "overheard" you discussing "suicide-bombing" yourselves? Could we please fucking focus on the Henderson account instead 2: Ok. But would you suicide-bomb yourself if Osama bin Laden was standing next to you? What if there were also little kids standing beside you? OK... But what if it also meant the Henderson account straightened out? 3: What the fuck are you talking about? The whole point of getting the Henderson account straightened is that I get a cash bonus! I don't care about the goddam account on principle! Hang up the phone and get back to work!

get your war on 10 - #4

get your war on 10 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/05/02/war10-3/ 1: Sometimes I wonder if suicide bombing is literally the freakiest human act possible. Seriously, what could a human do to themselves that would be more bizarre and scary? Somehow fuck their own brain or something? 2: Nothing could get me to suicide-bomb myself. I don't even know how to construct the fucking active verb form of that shit, it's so fucked! 3: Would you suicide-bomb yourself if it would also kill Osama bin Laden? 4: Hell no! The whole point of killing Osama bin Laden is that it increases my chances of staying alive!

get your war on 10 - #3

get your war on 10 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/05/02/war10-2/ 1: Israeli officials demanded that a UN fact-finding mission into the Jenin incursion not reach any "observations" or "conclusions." What the fuck does that mean? 2: How the fuck do you look at something and not also observe it? Or not fucking conclude something about it? Why are Israel's demands getting all metaphysical? 3: Woah! Is that why the UN gave up?-- does just looking at things make you anti-Israel? OH MY GOD! I've been looking at things all day!

get your war on 10 - #2

get your war on 10 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/05/02/war10-1/ 1: Can you imagine being cooped up in a room with Yasser Arafat for months? Do you think that would be a... pleasant experience? 2: I think I would end up driving a bulldozer over myself 3: Wouldn't it be so much nicer to be cooped up with Ariel Sharon, and hear of his dreams for The Chosen People of Judea?

get your war on 10 - #1

get your war on 9 - #8 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/03/28/war9-8/ 1: I'm telling you - Ariel Sharon is a man of peace! He's a fucking pacifist! 2: True, things do get damn peaceful in a town after Sharon rolls on through. Oh, wait, yeah - it's so peaceful because everything's completely fucking destroyed! 3: Uhh... dude, are you anti-Semetic or something?

get your war on 9 - #8

get your war on 9 - #7 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/03/28/war9-7/ 1: Mommeeee! This news report says Mr. Sharon doesn't do what Mr. Bush says! 2: So who is the number-one head motherfucker in charge, then? 3: So I told him, "Honey, the Pope is still the number-one head motherfucker in charge! After all, he's the oldest!"

get your war on 9 - #7

get your war on 9 - #6 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/03/28/war9-6/ 1: Did you hear? That guy is still stuck in his office with Voltron! Cooool-- our very own incursion! 2: Hey buddy-- how are you enduring your Voltron? You'll be pleased to know President Bush just referred to him as a "gargantuan, humorless robotic lion-man of peace!" 3: Huh. I guess that's supposed to be reassuring. Say, could you send an ambulance in here? I'm so fucking full of bile I think I'm going to have a stroke!

get your war on 9 - #6

get your war on 9 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/03/28/war9-5/ 1: Sometimes I wish Osama bin Laden was as easy to track down and kill as Canadians! 2: I read that Bush is going to force the Canadians into refugee camps, the turn the whole country over to the Palestinians! That should solve everything. 3: Would that make Rick Moranis the Canadians' Yasser Arafat? He's certainly fucking goofy-looking enough!

get your war on 9 - #5

get your war on 9 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/03/28/war9-4/ 1: How psyched is George W. Bush to defeat Saddam Hussein for his dad? I wish I could do something like that for my dad! 2: George H.W. Bush is going to be SO damn proud of his son! He'll probably put Saddam's death certificate on the fridge! I was a C student! 3: Just wait until twelve years from now, when Jenna Bush fuckin' defeats Osama bin Laden for her dad! Will the circle be unbroken, by and by Lord, by and by? Is this truly the only Earth I can live on?

get your war on 9 - #4

get your war on 9 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/03/28/war9-3/ 1: When the Middle East is rockin', don't come a-knockin'! 2: The Middle East is about to start rocking like a motherfucker! 3: When the Middle East is nuclear rockin', don't come a-nuclear-knockin'!

get your war on 9 - #3

get your war on 9 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/03/28/war9-2/ 1: I wonder why Tom Ridge won't authorize detention of Voltron? I can't work with his mechanical-lion ass staring at me! 2: Maybe Tom Ridge is assigning every American their own personal Voltron! Schweeet! That'd definitely make me feel safer than a fucking magical missile shield floating in outer space! 3: Seriously, I wonder how many Voltrons the Defense Department could buy with next year's budget increase?

get your war on 9 - #2

get your war on 9 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/03/28/war9-1/ 1: Hello? Did you ever call Office Security? I'm still knee-deep in Voltron up here! 2: Office Security says they now have to clear their activities with some "Tom Ridge" Character! Apparently he's the mighty man who's keeping us safe now! Funny, I never heard of the motherfucker doing anything useful! 3: Hell yes the suspect looks foreign, Mr. Ridge! He's a robot made out of LIONS, for fuck's sake!

get your war on 9 - #1

get your war on 8 - #7 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/02/18/war8-7/ 1: What the fuck is Voltron talking about? Is this some religious thing? Am I fucking being baptized by Voltron? 2: I believe in the Human Spirit, the taker of life, who proceeds from the Father and the War. With the Father and the War it is worshipped and glorified. It has spoken through its profits. I acknowledge one War for the commission of sins. I look for no resurrection of the dead, and to the Wars of the world to come. Amen. 3: Sure, Voltron-- Whatever you say! No need to get heavy, now! (Dude could you please call Office Security for me???)

get your war on 8 - #7

get your war on 8 - #6 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/02/18/war8-6/ 1: Oh shit, I think Voltron is about to speak! I'll put you on speakerphone! 2: I believe in one War, the Father, the Almighty, destroyer of heaven and earth, of all that is, seen and unseen. Eternally begotten of the Father, War from War, Bomb from Bomb, begotten, not made, of one Being with the War. Through War all things were made. For us and for our salvation War came down from heaven: by the power of the Human Spirit it became incarnate... and was made man. 3: For War's sake humans are crucified, suffer death and are buried. On the third day no one will rise again and no one will ascend into heaven. War will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and its kingdom will have no end.

get your war on 8 - #6

get your war on 8 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/02/18/war8-5/ 1: Goddammit, if you don't make the most of Voltron's presence and ask him some goddamn probing questions about the state of the world, I'll come down there and do it myself! As him: HOW MANY BOMBS? 2: Well? 3: Oh come on, we both know how many fucking bombs it'll take! All of the fucking bombs we can make!

get your war on 8 - #5

get your war on 8 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/02/18/war8-4/ 1: GodDAMN Voltron is looking tough as hell standing here in my office! I wish my manager would walk by and see this shit! 2: I can't believe you've got fucking Voltron in front of you and you're not grilling him! Ask him if he's flown over Afghanistan! Ask him what the fuck is going on down there! 3: Let me tell you something, my friend-- when you're in the presence of Voltron, Afghanistan seems a million light-years away! I hope Voltron stays in my office for a nice long time!

get your war on 8 - #4

get your war on 8 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/02/18/war8-3/ 1: Ask Voltron what it's like battling evil! Is militarizing space gonna be cool as hell? How many bombs will it take to bring peace and justice to all of Earth? 2: I remember watching Voltron on TV with my little brother! How can I ask him about fucking insane levels of defense spending? Damn, I can't believe he's TRULY MADE OUT OF MECHANICAL LIONS!!! Oh my God!!! 3: Ask him: 20,000 bombs? 200,000 bombs? Bombs made out of robot animals or some shit like that?

get your war on 8 - #3

get your war on 8 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/02/18/war8-2/ 1: I can't believe I'm sitting here looking at VOLTRON!!! What the fuck does he want? He's not saying anything! 2: Isn't Voltron, like, 2,000 feet tall? How can he fit in your office? 3: The last time I thought about Voltron, I couldn't give a fuck about foreign policy! Now I can't stop thinking about people dying all over the world!

get your war on 8 - #2

get your war on 8 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2002/02/18/war8-1/ 1: An Axis of Evil versus A Nation Challenged! We've got eleven fucking wars to wage all of a sudden! Hold on, someone's at the door-- 2: Holy fucking shit, man, you'll never guess who just walked in-- VOLTRON!!! Woah! What the hell??? 3: Voltron's Office of Homeland Security is in the heeeeouse!

get your war on 8 - #1

get your war on 7 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2001/12/12/war7-5/ 1: We can't find Osama because Arthur Andersen fucking shredded him! 2: By the way, fuck Joseph Lieberman! He's a creep! Fucking learn how to talk right, frog-voice! 3: My two cents: John Ashcroft doesn't dance! Joyless bastard! He probably digs a lot of the Taliban's ideas! Bring back Janet Reno! Let's return to killing people in Texas, please!

get your war on 7 - #5

get your war on 7 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2001/12/12/war7-4/ 1: Here's what I don't understand -- couldn't the evildoers at Enron have figured out a way to ruin the lives of, oh, say, the Taliban -- instead of their own goddam American employees? 2: Who's fucking who here? Is the Taliban obsessed with ruining American lives, or is Enron? Who am I supposed to want to bomb? 3: FUCKING BOMB TEXAS!!! They don't play fair down there! Texas is bullshit! We should sell the state to Mexico and let them fucking slaughter those assholes!

get your war on 7 - #4

get your war on 7 - #3 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2001/12/12/war7-3/ 1: You know, the Enron shit wouldn't be so bad if the politicians just finally fucking admitted that when they invoke religion in their speeches, they're totally bullshitting! You can't serve the Good Lord and Enron! Fucking choose your master! 2: I agree! Stop talking about God until you act like He fucking wants you to act! George Bush, shut the fuck up about how important Jesus is to you! I'm sorry -- Jesus is not oil! 3: I wish Jesus would just come down from heaven and slaughter all these evildoers once and for all! The Taliban and the Enroniban! (Then I want Jesus to put Bush in a chokehold and explain His position on bombing civilians!)

get your war on 7 - #3

get your war on 7 - #2 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2001/12/12/war7-2/ 1: I have a feeling that once I understand everything that happened with Enron, I'm gonna take off my American flag pin! I'd better take a pass on this one! 2: Seriously! I know Osama is my enemy! But these Enron motherfuckers were supposed to be on our side! Aren't we all on the same side here in America? Especially now? Shit, I was playing fair for Team USA! 3: Good ol' Team USA! Everybody working together! See how nice our leaders' friends are? My man, Kenneth Lay -- thanks for helping out, you evil fuck!

get your war on 7 - #2

get your war on 7 - #1 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2001/12/12/war7-1/ 1: Oh yeah! Operation: Enduring Enron is in the house! 2: Oh yeah! Operation: Enduring Our Enron is in the motherfucking house! 3: Yes! Operation: Enduring Enron's Freedom to Make Off With A Shitload Of Money At Their Employee's Expense is in the house!!!

get your war on 7 - #1

get your war on 6 - #8 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2001/11/29/war6-8/ 1: Mullah Muhammad Omar and Osama bin Laden! Two wily motherfuckers! Who were those little phantoms in the Family Circus who always broke the dishes and left the house in disarray? 2: Then they'd run away and leave Billy and Jeffy standing there looking like total idiots! 3: "Who organized this international terror organization? Who scribbled all over the cave?"

get your war on 6 - #8

get your war on 6 - #7 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2001/11/29/war6-7/ 1: Have you sent out your holiday cards yet? 2: Ha! Holiday cards! First of all, anyone who didn't call to check on me after September 11th gets NO CARD! You motherfuckers know I live in New York! Did you just assume I was OK? After I saw the buildings fucking fall down? With fucking cremated human remains settling on my back patio, which I had to fucking wash down so I wouldn't inhale them? You can't send me a fucking email? While I wait for my girlfriend to fucking walk home like a goddam refugee? If you couldn't even bother to send a fucking online animated huggy kitty cat greeting card, what makes you think I'm gonna lick a fucking stamp and send you a picture of Santa Claus or baby Jesus? I'd rather make out with Donald Rumsfeld! 3: Whoops! I had to put you on hold! What did you say?

get your war on 6 - #7

get your war on 6 - #6 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2001/11/29/war6-6/ 1: They're having a real nice Festival of Lights ever there in Israel, aren't they? 2: Those folks sure do like sharing their festivals of light with each other - on buses, in the air - such a magical time for the children! 3: Oh man, there's nothing more moving than a protracted festival of lights in the Holy Land! The more lights, the better! Lighting up the childrens' faces! Teaching the children about the festival of lights! Thanks to everyone who participated in this year's festival of lights.

get your war on 6 - #6

get your war on 6 - #5 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2001/11/29/war6-5/ 1: Will you fucking hurry up and kill Osama bin Laden for fuck's sake? Jesus Fucking Christ, how can I put this - YOU'VE BEEN BOMBING FOR TWO FUCKING MONTHS! WHAT THE FUCK SIZE BOMBS DO YOU NEED? 2: Serious! It's like an American bombing campaign is the elixir of eternal life for despots! Saddam Hussein will live to be four hundred years old at this rate! 3: The other good thing about American bombing is that everyone on the ground gets a super-sized Ramadan holiday! Extended fasting for all! It's like if Christmas lasted for eighty days instead of just twelve!

get your war on 6 - #5

get your war on 6 - #4 http://www.mnftiu.cc/2001/11/29/war6-4/ 1: You know who I've come to like in all this? John Ashcroft. The guy just gives me a good feeling! 2: 3: Good God, these are some powerful antidepressants I'm taking! Wow!!! Even my smiles are smiling!

get your war on 6 - #4