𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜

A pigeon stands next to an egg and a scattering of sticks.

“Stanley, don’t forget you promised to put together the crib this weekend.”

if i had a plastic lavender plant i would probably still find a way to unintentionally kill it

Happy birthday!! 🎊🎂🎉

If you hold an empty Pringles can to your ear, you can hear the potatoes screaming.

Can you change the name your Sith master gives you, or am I stuck with Darth Grouchypants?

Based on the amount of microplastics in the environment, all plants technically qualify as plastic plants now

[at the aquarium]

BABY: i wanna seahorse!

PARENT: omg we JUST got here now we have to leave and go to a farm

needing reassurance doesn't make you insecure but not receiving it will

Spilling fresh coffee in my lap only to find it isn't even hot enough to scald me is why I have trust issues.

I knew someone who actually died on a hill. I refused to attend the funeral because I don’t reward clichés.

A cat and a rodent share a meal from a plate on the floor.

“It’s just a time out, you know.”
“I know.”
“It doesn’t mean that we’re cool.”
“I get it.”
“This is pretty tasty.”
“I know, right?”

That sucks, I’m sorry to hear it.

There's a Dutch TV commercial that has a woman complaining about 'an itch' and before she can even finish her sentence, her girlfriend immediately screams JUST CALL IT A VAGINAL YEAST INFECTION and now I'm interrupting everyone with this message

I threw money at the problem but I ran out of money before I ran out of problem.

The biggest problem with Teslas is that you can’t put sugar in the gas tank.

A man named is being interviewed in a television screen capture. The caption reads “Gerald Jankowski, One Angry Guy."

His kids disappoint him
He's pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He's

Nothing makes me feel more intellectual than poking myself in the eye with my glasses

This day in history. 1970. After Eva von Zeppelin called them shrieking monkeys and threatened to sue, Led Zeppelin played a concert in Copenhagen under a pseudonym. I hope it was Shrieking Monkeys.

"Humor me."

"It's humour."

"I SAID HUMOR ME."

broke up with my AI boyfriend because he kept undressing me with his computer vision systems

accidentally wore a soup stained shirt today and now I’m head of the physics department at Berkeley

i put my underpants on like anybody else, dipped in jerk sauce

you should eat healthier but also a salad costs $40 now

If you ever want a joke ruined with facts, post it on social media.

💪🏼

I recently went axe throwing for the first time, and I learned three things:

1. I have terrible aim.
2. Waffle House is not an axe throwing venue.
3. Waffle House and its customers are very litigious.

Confirmation received.

💅🏼

A person wearing a chicken mask squatting inside a chicken pen with several live chickens.

“Hello, fellow chickens.”
“Nice try, narc.”

A real go getter