Guy Who's Trying ⁸⁶⁴⁷

A lot of swing voters ifyouknowwhatimean.

This fucker doesn't get to take a victory lap!

I was taking about the Virginia governor's race, but I realize the idea is still the same. It's probably some PTSD from Bush-Gore.

Apparently the least interesting member of the supporting cast of 1995's Higher Learning wasn't enough to get it done.

A seeming bit of history tonight as Ghazala Hashmi becomes the first Asian American to win statewide office in Virginia - and the first Muslim woman to win statewide office *anywhere* in the United States.

@pixelatedty.bsky.social
Bill Ackman wants to use a new phrase, "Make New York Great Again." Or "MNYGA."

I'm dying.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And he's a Democratic Socialist.

I understand the way polling works, but does the AP really need to call a race when 40% of the vote is in? Maybe it's the 2000 presidential election nightmare still haunting me, but just let it play out for a while before you tell me who wins, okay?

Cheney arrives at the gates of Hell, which has been renamed Helliburton in his honor.

He is my hero. He's the Loki meme in real life.

Dick Cheney, one of the most powerful and polarizing vice presidents in US history, dies at 84 The hard-charging conservative became one of the most powerful and polarizing vice presidents and a leading advocate for the invasion of Iraq.

He was shot in the face by the ghost of an Iraqi child. Amazing.

I live on a timeline when Teen Vogue and People magazine are going at the establishment hard while CBS, CNN, and the NYT are jerking off the president.

I once "broke" into my apartment complex's locked-out computer system by guessing the password was the name of the management company. The manager looked at me like I was a god.

Can anybody please explain why I'm supposed to love this place? This place that so easily slips into chaos?

"Everybody's treating me like I'm an asshole!"

"Have you ever tried not being an asshole?"

Cop 1 smiles at Cop 2 after shoot out: "We were lucky to get out of that mess, right?!"

Cop 2 is not smiling. Cop 1's smile fades. Hesitating, he reaches down and opens Cop 2's vest, showing a giant red stain on his side.

Cop 1 gasps. "You've been..."

Cop 2: "Marinara-ed."

Cop 1 screams.

That was me until I hit 40. Boy, did my metabolism drop sharply. Oof.

I hear "Mom" "Donny" and that seems fine to me.

Written by Jeff...oops, I mean "Beff Jezos."

Who needs an autopen when we've got seismographs that can recreate a perfect Trump signature?

Can someone get this man a seeing eye dog before he trips and falls?

The party of "I'm sorry, baby, I promise I won't hit you again" is not your friend and they're not your ally. They might give strong assurances, but they're definitely going to hit you again.

*angrily shaking* "Commies!"

I push down my negative thoughts like a normal 45-year-old.

If the P in WAP stands for Patriots.

And with a human data analyst instead of AI.

Get ready to gain some radioactive spider powers.