garfield “9/11” CAT bed

thank fucking god for the guy who picked up my keys and yelled at me to give them back to me while I was sprinting for the bus just now

THIS AINT NO PARTY!!! THIS AINT NO DISCO!!!

i thought Minnesota nice was like their hockey team

customers think im personally hiding all the green beans from them because im an evil person

1234 I declare a thumb war
5678 I declare a thumb war
9101112 I declare a thumb war
13141516 I declare a thumb war
17181920 I declare a thumb war
21222324 I declare a thumb war
25262728 I declare a thumb war

oh :)

I love getting killed

texting my teenage sister in the middle of the night to ask if im unc

not anymore tho #newdad

christopher garlic was my father

they should invent a job that doesn’t suck

deespeakaboel meenyons

when did this become beautiful world? when did this become. I love you

I wish I was playing a video game instead of do my job

sometimes I whip out the “what is this? some kind of literal hell on earth?”

when something good happens I say “what is this? Some kind of beautiful world or somethin?” And when someone bad happens I say “what is this? some kind of hell world or somethin?”

im a slut for wheat gluten

yup. its banana

I get pissed off every time I remember alfie oakes

I wish I was mewing

fairy godmother from shrek 2

where have all the reply guys gone and where are all the oomfs

which job should I get

would it be funny if I ran a sports betting scheme or nah

sober fructose corn syrup

I don’t believe that he really is the salsa king of chicago

woke 2

garfield “9/11” CAT bed has GONE WOKE

nice to be thought of

nice to be thought of as “alive”

they’re saying im the funniest person alive