i am carbs

there should be an emotional pain scale like 0-10+, how many funny animal reels do you have to watch per day to stay alive

I've never heard a bog witch say "why isn't there a bog witch pride month" and that's just one of the many ways that bog witches are superior to straight men

I'm drunk and aggressively telling the ghosts haunting my apartment how much they mean to me

listen i don’t care if you ask me a thousand times i won’t take you to funkytown i’m only going as far as groovyburg but you can take the bus from there

watching true crime all calm until someone gets interviewed in a nice room with a chair in the middle of the room and it's like hell no this is all off this is what's suspicious why is there a chair in the middle of a room I can solve this right now call a decorator

Got fired from the drive thru for telling customers “The root of your suffering is your desire”

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn't it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted all my groomsmen to dress as Grimace but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

Please enjoy this short film to visually express the essence of my best bluesky post. [Robert Plant riding a horse with a falcon through the fog arrives at a castle for a swordfight to rescue a maiden]

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

dear diary today a neighbor told me to watch out for spotted lanternflies as they’re an invasive species and now as i compose this in the library there are half a dozen lanternflies around me pretending they’re using microfiche when they’re clearly look I can see you guys reading this please stop

Found a fast food style restaurant today that specializes in chicken salad. Was so excited that I almost turned to the several 80 and 90 year olds in line with me to ask “is this heaven?!” but didn’t want them to think they’d died. Would’ve been funny though.

It's a nice gesture but this isn't charades I said, narrowly beating out the one who brought a bottled up emotion of wine for less common definition game night

Where I live now is with the canned vienna sausages in the weird foods aisle at the drug store.

Pitching my new show “Luter” about a medieval traveling minstrel with little bells on his shoes and those silly puffy pants who sings and dances and is a British detective played by Idris Elba.

There is no context, only Zuul.

I never believed it was butter

Why are they called food critics and not ingestigative journalists?

hey a bunch of us are driving over to harrison ford's house later so we can record him yelling at us to get off his lawn and then auto-tuning the audio to make a summer jam we're hoping will go viral if you wanna come but fair warning never ever look directly into his earring

You wake up one day and all the world has turned to Greg. You're surprised, you did not see this coming. In the kitchen your boyfriend Greg greets you with a cup of greg. Greg, he says with a smile. Greg, you answer, and it just feels right, the gregness of it all.

Publisher: This is great! How do you pronounce the name?

Lovecraft: Oh, I don’t know.

Oh we don’t have to go to work tomorrow but it’s “still Monday” oh okay

amirite is my birthstone

arching my back
to make a bridge hovering over the river of bedsheets
weight and time collapse and fold me, wincing
breathing raggedly
i used to do this for fun, i whisper
didn’t i
now my body won’t bend without pain

lightning struck right outside my window and I realized I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want it to be loud

If you don't know some knowledge but it happens right in front of your mind that's same second shipping. If it finally dawns on you in retrospect while you're at work and your neighbor isn't around to know it for you that's the gamble of the standard shipping. Me I just "Guess off my lawn!"

I am rapidly morphing into the old guy in the celestial robes that is wandering around the Farmer's market selling his foul smelling tinctures from a cardboard box strapped to his chest since he didn't want to pay for an official stall.

hey a bunch of us are driving over to harrison ford's house later so we can record him yelling at us to get off his lawn and then auto-tuning the audio to make a summer jam we're hoping will go viral if you wanna come but fair warning never ever look directly into his earring

Some people don’t know that “it’s” is short for “it is” but it’s