Mulva 2.0

I tried replacing sex with chocolate. It melted everywhere

Hallmark movies are porn acting minus the actual porn.

I’ve a good mind to show you how rotten a mind can be.

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they are the problem is the other half.

guess I’ll heart your stupid comment since you hearted my stupid post

If you can't laugh at yourself who can you laugh at?

Literally anyone

What the fuck is going on with you today?

-me to my eyebrows, everyday

Good morning Sunshine! 🩷🧡❤️

When I was little, I had a child size desk and chair in my dad's big office. He'd look over and tell me I'm going to take over the company one day. Forty years later, Dad says it's time for me to get a bigger desk and chair.

Three gray kittens and one orange kitten on a blanket in a little tent on a porch

Omg you guys, the mama cat I’ve been trying to catch brought her kittens to me in a tent I put outside for her 🥹❤️

I love that you made a safe place for a mama and her babies!

Imagine sex with me.

No, more whipped cream please

Well biscuits and gravy do I need to post feet to get to 4k

Kangaroo: why do I have to carry everyone’s keys
Wombat: omg, you have the biggest purse
Opposum:
Kangaroo: bitch plays dead everytime
we talk about this

I was going to post a pic of my cat chillin in the sun and then she started licking her ass as if she knew where I was posting.

I apologize for the weekend talk on a Monday but I really wanna straddle your profile pic

First day back to work after vacation and I really think I should’ve tried harder to be a trophy wife when I was young.

I left alcohol, weed, cake and stickers for everyone in the Bluesky break room for my birthday treat today. If you’re in a place where weed isn’t legal, you didn’t get it from me.

Friend: maybe you don’t get a second date because you wear a jacket with all your presidential physical fitness awards on it

Me: but I’m an athlete

There, there sweetie. Let me sit on your face and dry those tears.

I feel my prettiest when I’m wearing my candy necklace and bracelet.

Pats my bike seat, get on and I’ll drive standing up.

❤️❤️

Once upon a time, I gave birth to a beautiful little boy who grew up to enjoy spending his time farting next to me while eating beef sticks.

Imagine hating me and I’m just over here, wishing the very best for you

"i asked chatgpt..."

oh yeah, well i asked a steaming pile of dogshit and got a similar answer

live, laugh, lick a frozen flagpole

i did it for a klondike bar, your honor

Favorite pastime: anxiously relaxing

All I'm saying is I'd rather be hoisted by my own petard than some stranger's petard