Jared

The Chair Company feels like a David Lynch directed comedy.

I too believe Republicans do their best work when doing absolutely nothing.

Came across a 4th or 5th gen iPhone in a drawer and my kids are acting like I just brought home a full brontosaurus skeleton.

They’re just huddled around it staring.

Is this a question people are asking?

Hey Amazon, maybe don’t show a commercial with a demon vomiting blood into someone’s mouth while I’m trying to watch football with my kids. That’d be great.

It’s remarkable how well it works as a counter-argument.

those of you who are afraid of aging, please understand that one of the huge blessings of middle age is arriving at this exact station

Metaphor is a little too on-the-nose for me.

They say not to shit where you eat, which is why I only go number one in public restrooms.

Official Statement For Immediate Release On the evening of August 30, 2025, in New Hampshire, Mayor Giuliani was returning home from his weekly Saturday night dinner at Denny's. The Mayor had his usual order of Choconana Pancake Slam® with boysenberry syrup. Denny's had been out of boysenberry syrup for several months due to supply chain issues outside of its control and as such the Mayor had brought his own pitcher of homemade boysenberry syrup. However, this was not necessary as boysenberry syrup-and fan favorites blueberry, strawberry, and butter pecan —are now back at all 1,500 Denny's locations. While operating his vehicle, Mayor Giuliani noticed a drop of Denny's boysenberry syrup had fallen on his shoe at some point during his meal, which was under $20 even with a tip. Understandably, the Mayor did not want to let the unbeatable taste of authentic Denny's syrup go to waste after so long an absence and attempted to lean down to suck his shoe. After several subsequent collisions with other vehicles, Mayor Giuliani pulled over to the side of the road, exited his vehicle, and rolled onto his back in an attempt to better suck his own foot. At this time we believe the Mayor's violent thrashing during these repeated failed attempts resulted in numerous injuries. He was transported to a nearby trauma center, where he was diagnosed with severe diarrhea. There is no reason to believe this was as a result of the quality of his Denny's experience, but rather the Mayor's high level of physical activity so soon after eating. At this time, no further updates are available. This is the only statement authorized by Mayor Giuliani. Signed, Michael Ragu Chief Flavor Officer, Denny's USA

Here's my argument about AI that's distilled down about as much as I can: if it was good for me, my boss wouldn't want me to use it so bad.

The media is happy to report on the Virgin Mary showing up in toast, but when Gallagher shows up in my waffles it’s nothing but silence.

no one came to a grown man's GI Joe themed birthday party and that's somehow funny to you??

In the summer of 2003, at a small diner in Moose, Wyoming, I exited as Puck from the Real World San Francisco was entering.

Spoiler alert: They will all vote for it.

High school choir concerts are great if you love overly-enunciated versions of pop songs.

if i text you this just know you’re cooked

y'all ever see a take so bad you are forced to immediately go to sleep?

I look forward to the day we talk about AI the way we talk about 3D TVs.

💯💯💯💯💯💯

Apparently, anxiety increases your risk for dementia, so that’s one more thing for me to worry about.