NILES: “Which reminds me, Frasier, when are we starting our next Dungeons and Dragons campaign? I just finished my four-week workshop on Dissociative Identity Disorder and my notebook is absolutely bursting with character concepts.”
20.11.2025 01:52 — 👍 76 🔁 8 💬 0 📌 0
NILES: “What color do you think I should paint my miniature’s cape? Carmine or Burgundy?”
FRASIER: “Burgundy is a strong choice, but might I suggest Cerise, as a nod to the Battle of Valor’s Dawn?”
MARTIN: “You know, he might look good with a nice red.”
NILES: “We’ll add that to consideration.”
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: “Oh! I’m in a Dungeons & Dragons group, too. But we’re doing an official, prewritten adventure.”
[FRASIER SCOFFS]
FRASIER: “Prewritten! The storyteller’s crutch.”
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: “I’m the storyteller.”
FRASIER: “… And what is a crutch if not a timeless and wonderful invention?”
NILES: “-and with that, I swing down and cleave the brigand’s skull!”
[NILES ROLLS THE DIE]
[SILENCE AS THE GROUP LEANS IN AND LOOKS AT THE RESULT]
[NILES SITS]
FRASIER: “Perhaps we should pivot to making our attack descriptions after the roll instead of before.”
NILES: “If you wouldn’t mind.”
FRASIER: “Niles, get ahold of yourself, man! Your competitiveness is out of control; try to remember we are playing a game for-“
[NILES STANDS AND LOOSENS HIS TIE]
NILES: “- for fun! I know that! I am having fun. In fact, I’m having more fun than any of you, so there, I win! Ha!”
[EDDIE STARES AT FRASIER, UNFLINCHING]
FRASIER: “Keep that up, and I’ll have something in store for the goblin shopkeep, as well.”
[EDDIE SCAMPERS OUT OF THE ROOM]
FRASIER: “Dad, can you please get Eddie to get stop staring at me? It really is a bit much.”
MARTIN: “He’s not staring; he’s glaring.”
FRASIER: “Oh, what’s the difference?”
MARTIN: “One happens when he finds you interesting. The other happens when you kill off his favorite NPC on game night.”
ROZ: “Niles, I’m not wasting one of my only spells! You’re fine.”
NILES: “If you don’t help me out, I’m going to tell that man you’re seeing that you weren’t at yoga class tonight; you were playing Dungeons & Dragons.”
ROZ: “You wouldn’t dare!”
NILES: “I’ll show him your character’s backstory!”
FRASIER: “The orcs raise their axes high and demand blood.”
NILES: “… I tell them I’m not here.”
FRASIER: “I’m sorry?”
NILES: “I argue that, philosophically, they cannot trust their own senses about me.“
FRASIER: “It’s a bit bold to place Descartes before the orcs, Niles.”
ROZ: “What about my character’s backstory, Fraz? Did you get a chance to look it over?”
FRASIER: “Oh, yes. I’m quite familiar with Lady Chatterly’s Warlock Patron. Tell me, Roz, at what point did you forget for which genre of fantasy you were writing?”
MARTIN: “Now, are we finished with the essay portion of family game night?”
07.11.2024 19:02 — 👍 104 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
MARTIN: “All right, if I have to have a backstory, here. You happy?”
[HE HANDS THE PAPER TO FRASIER]
FRASIER: “Once upon a time, Harold’s friend asked Harold if he wanted to go adventuring for gold. Harold looked at his bank statement and said ‘Sure’. Also, his family is dead.”
FRASIER: “Honestly, Niles! Why must you needle at every aspect of my story? It’s role play! Make believe! Or are you so devoid of whimsy that you’ve forgotten the concept?”
NILES: “Oh, I know what make believe is. It’s when your radio callers refer to you as a psychiatrist!”
FRASIER: “I’m so glad you joined us again, Niles. After the loss of Graknokur, I thought you’d take a break.”
NILES: “While it stung at first, I am back with more character than ever. Take a look!”
[HE HANDS FRASIER A PAPER]
FRASIER: “… Gräknokur?”
NILES: “Note the umlaut.”
FRASIER: “Isn’t this exciting, dad? You’ve mastered the basics, earned some victories, and now leveling up allows you access to fresh possibilities!”
MARTIN: “You know, it takes a special kind of person to think that the reward for learning rules is having to learn more rules.”
[As an experimental approach, please enjoy this long form moment]
07.11.2024 18:42 — 👍 135 🔁 15 💬 3 📌 1
MARTIN: “Why the hell’d you shoot the guard? You said you were going to use your charisma!”
ROZ: “My spells are fueled by my charisma score!”
MARTIN: “You couldn’t use it for a trick or something!?”
ROZ: “I did! I used it to trick you into letting me kill him!”
FRASIER: “Shall we begin?”
ROZ: “One sec.”
[ROZ ROLLS DIFFERENT DICE, ONE AT A TIME]
ROZ: “Nope. Nuh-uh. No way. Oh! Now that’s what mama likes! Ready.”
FRASIER: ”You’re quite mad, aren’t you?”
DAPHNE: “I’ll say. All that work and she chooses the die with the worst aura.”
[NILES WAVES THE PAPER ANGRILY]
NILES: "The only reason we're losing this fight is that you wrote a page of new minotaur abilities!"
FRASIER: "I knew it! I knew you peeked at my notes between sessions."
NILES: "As if I needed to! I can recognize your bull sheet a mile away!"
NILES: “All I’m asking is one session as my homebrew class.”
FRASIER: “Niles, this so-called Analyst concept isn’t even cohesive. Why would a student of psychology know counterattacks and spells like Wall of Force?”
NILES: “Because he understands deflection and projection.”
NILES: “Legendary Actions!? This game is unbelievable. Your villain gets to act however he pleases, yet you have the gall to make me sit and wait my turn before I can even begin to unleash my Rage.”
MARTIN: “Doesn’t look like that stopped you from getting a head start.”
[NILES OPENS THE GIFT BOX]
NILES: “New dice for our games! Thank you, Frasier. You know, I’m not prone to superstition, but one can’t help but hope these are luckier than the last-“
[NILES ROLLS THE DICE AND STARES AT THEM]
NILES: “Ah, well. There’s always next year.”
ROZ: "And what's wrong with playing a Warlock?"
NILES: "It's just a tad self-deprecating. Choosing to be subservient to the one who gave you power is-"
[NILES' PAGER BEEPS. HE CHECKS IT]
NILES: "Frasier, may I use your phone? Maris needs me to argue with our gardener, Yoshi."
FRASIER: “Oh, just a peek. I’ve long wished for dad to be this excited about one of our hobbies.”
[HE OPENS THE DELIVERY. THE ARTWORK IS UNMISTAKABLY MARTIN, SHIRTLESS, WITH FLOWING HAIR, HOLDING A SWORD]
NILES: “On the bright side, your monkey’s paw has two more uses left.”
(Caller is played by Ginny Di)
07.11.2024 18:33 — 👍 11 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
FRASIER: “I’ll remind everyone that this is a show about psychiatry, not games… On to our next call. Hello! You’re on the air with Frasier Crane.”
CALLER: “Hi, Doctor Crane. It’s about my boss.”
FRASIER: “Yes! Good! And what’s your boss’s name?”
CALLER: “Alari Blooddrinker.”
[END CREDITS MUSIC PLAYS]
[FRASIER LIFTS UP PAPERS ON THE TABLE, SEARCHING UNDER THEM IN FRUSTRATION]
[HE STOPS AND VIEWS THE WHOLE ROOM, BEWILDERED]
[HE KNEELS AND LOOKS UNDERNEATH THE TABLE]
[HE STANDS AND EXITS]
[CAMERA PANS TO EDDIE, HAPPILY HOLDING THE DIE IN HIS MOUTH]
DAPHNE: “I’m really quite impressed with you, Roz! Finally learning the names of all the characters.”
ROZ: “Well, it’s not like I had a choice. Frasier here said he’d increase the armor of anyone I forgot.”
FRASIER: “One does what one must for the sake of verisimilitude.”
[FRASIER PICKS UP HIS BRIEFCASE AND LEAVES THE OFFICE]
BULLDOG (SHOUTING): “Do you at least want to see my character’s picture?”
FRASIER (OFF-CAMERA): “No, thank you!”
BULLDOG: “Nah, Doc. I’m serious. Look, I wrote up my character’s stats and everything.”
[HE HANDS FRASIER A PAPER]
FRASIER: “Well, far be it from me to say ‘No’ to an adventurer. Let’s- Bulldog, what are these?”
BULLDOG: “They’re stats, look: 38, 25, 37. Bam.”
FRASIER: “No.”
