v. lee

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it’s ok for something you’ve wanted for a long time to not meet your expectations but i’m grateful that this is.

yesterday was the last class meeting of the quarter and i didn’t get emotional during class but i did tear up a bit later while reading their exit tickets. such a wonderful bunch. and also im just so glad that teaching is as wonderful and meaningful to me as i have always felt it would be.

sigh. my hand is getting tired because i’m typing one handed on the train but there’s something here about pedagogy and design and the fundamental mindset i approach all my teaching tasks with that im trying to unpick and unravel.

if i want them to attend class, if i think physical presence is important, i should make it worthwhile to attend class.

after years of struggling to figure all that out for myself, the trial and error and research and mistakes and learning, why wouldn’t i do the same for my students?

put my meds right next to my bed and always have water at night so i can take them immediately. pursue work i love so it always feels worthwhile. wear comfortable clothes that make me feel my best so it’s never a barrier to going outside.

environment. perspective. framing. understanding.

so i had to dig into the roots: why is this hard? what makes this difficult or hard or emotionally taxing for me? i either can’t change myself or can’t change quickly enough or all at once so what CAN i change?

and after the meds it not being light enough or easy or simple or focused meant i would get caught up trying to optimize it and spend too much time on maintenance and no time on living or creating.

as easy as possible to shower every day, wake up on time, check and manage my notes and calendars and messaging apps and emails. because before the meds it not being easy or fun or enjoyable enough to overcome the inertia meant it would never happen and i’d hate myself for it.

i think it comes from the things i had to learn to deal with my adhd. before and still after medication because to me at least my adhd is profound. i had to learn how to make it as easy as possible to do the correct thing.

ah i just want to teach it so badly,,,, i yearn for it,,,, i just feel like i'll really truly be in my element then

i love teaching first year writing, i really, really, truly do!!!! and also oh my god, i want to teach creative writing so bad. i mourn the fact that i have to have a published book to be trusted to teach it here all the time.

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guess it’s a good confirmation for me tho, didn’t expect to be as disappointed about going even a single quarter without teaching as i am!! LOL same person who was all “i don’t know if i ever want to teach again” and “idk if this is for me” after TAP a few years ago

🥲 got confirmation yesterday that i won’t be teaching next quarter (unless something changes / someone can’t teach a section / they add more), sad. not unusual at all & probably what i should’ve been expecting for my first year but still, im saddddd

anyway i cleaned my room last night (at 1am after i got home from work) and wow i feel like a new person today

everything else aside. the absolute best barometer of How I’m Doing continues to be the state of my room. the messier it is, the more i’m probably working myself into knots about stuff, regardless of what’s happening around me 😭

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i have like fifty names but i do think i will be mx lee / prof lee when teaching forever now. i taught under that name twice so its superglued