Kindle

Friday, May 2nd 2025th, 19:00

I give up on love completely, i haven't been able to sleep properly thinking about all those days we used to hang out with each other, talk to each other and just be in each other's arms, i feel betrayed, i feel lost, i am alone in this, you left when i needed you.

Much less I'd prefer to just quietly rid myself

I'll come back once a month to just let it out, but what i really need is to vent my frustrations in a physical manner

I cannot be saved nor am i favored, i can only sit and watch as my entire life falls around me, for i do not have the energy to take action nor do i have the will to do so, I'm just simply tired.

The night is the only time i can make peace with my thoughts, but it is also a time that i dislike because of how quiet everything else is, i yearn for communication, affection and longing, but i am only longing for a peaceful goodbye to rid me of this world.

Why did she choose me if she's just going to keep me in silence, nor does it matter if she ever makes time for someone like me, I'll stay in silence as long as it takes to become forgotten, everyone can move on, i can disappear, my life is only but a speckle of dust amidst golden jewelry.

Anything to make them shut up, anything to just leave me in sorrow, i only wish to be forgotten, but i am always remembered by the wrong things i did. That's who i am.

I can't, not like this, please just make it stop

I hate everything that resides within me, i who speaks only nothing but distaste for myself, one who always speaks of false promises, me who is undeserving of everything that i have come to achieve, yet i stay challenged because i couldn't continue climbing.

I've done, I've tried, I've failed.
This word is all but too familiar for me
It has become a state that is natural to me, if i ever don't 'fail' then i wouldn't be the same person

Yep can't kill myself i don't want to her to blame herself

I've cried too much already and this place i consider a family no longer, this is my personal hell, I've stayed quiet a bit too much

I can't leave her, but i can't exactly stay here if i want it to be better, my options are limited and i can only come back later
I only have one more option if all else fails, well two sort of

Kathy i promise i will come back for you no matter how long it takes

I will not allow you to persevere

Doesn't matter what i do or what i decide, long have i prepared myself for this suffering and i will not allow you this feeling of satisfaction

My suffering isn't something to be made fun of, kick me in my sleep, yell insults at me for all i care, long have i been numbed your delusions

I've made too many mistakes to allow them this victory this happiness

I've made a promise, that no matter how grim or bleak things may be, i would always find a way

I've tried no longer and for that, consequences befell me like the droplets of rain in a hurricane

Death seems to be a plausible option, but somehow i am no longer someone who dreams to means of a quick end

I'm nothing, i am no one, i am not a person no longer, i am a deficit, a strain, a parasite

I'm painted like the liar, the sinner, the Criminal, I'm nothing but the person that they want to see who suffers, I've made mistakes, blunders and things that i regret, I've tried to redeem but all they see are the failures and the mistakes that i meant to be

I don't really feel like im going anywhere tbh, i have a set goal but at the same time im confused on where to go, im stuck in a loop of being lazy, doing stuff, getting tired and repeating this stupid shit that i keep doing

Also i competed in a poster making competition but didn't go to the awarding, i just did it for fun never really wanted to win anything

Update: i have become an online therapist, helping random strangers online, younger or older than me with their problems and 90% of the time my advice actually works, i can't even fix myself but im fixing other people dude

I just stopped caring about what everyone else felt about me even from my own family, all those insults and hurtful words never sat right with me, it's always drama with them turning every single nuisance into a personal problem so i just simply stepped out and wore my headphones.

It's always refreshing to walk at night

I'll keep everyone else who's listening updated on things that i think are important to me

Ranting feels nice when there's no one to question me, but at the same time i also would like someone to know what im thinking...