Isabel Zaw-Tun

great. just what I need, my tax software telling me to kill myself

Wild how all my coworkers can focus on the budgetary meeting when I'm clearly the hottest thing on Teams right now. It's certainly all *I* can think about

💝

I love my phone, it’s my soulmate, I can never be apart from it. It makes me so depressed I want to kill myself

Photo of just Chalamet’s shadow, from that dumbass Vogue spread

Timothee Chalamet. So hard to photograph, but incredible to see.

My father was killed by the monster mash you son of a bitch

One of my pet peeves is that Canadians are celebrating Mamdani's victory but this news is nowhere on their radar

Hamlet, hear: whilst sleeping in my orchard, thy uncle stole with juice of cursèd hebona and in the porches of my ears did pour the leprous distilment. But! Within mine ears were mine Loop Earplugs. Thus, I dith not die! Hamlet, my son, useth code KINGOFDENMARK at checkout to secure a 10% discount,

I swear Beyoncé doing country music was the biggest recession indicator the universe could have possibly given us. And yet we refused to listen

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

She makes me think I’m capable of wavy-hair bob bangs

Just hit rock bottom (referred to the underside of a boulder as its "rock bottom" in the company of esteemed geologists)

Switching over my Halloween lawn decorations to Christmas lawn decorations (e.g. determining which skeletons look the smartest and dressing the top three like wise men)

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling "PUNCH IT" when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

Women on the internet: Men are bad

Men on the internet: hey bitch, allow me to 1000% prove your point in the comments

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

Scam text: Your freaking uh.. the microwave just beeped. Retrieve your food here:

I was watching the cat hunt the shadows of birds on the wall and I was gently taunting her about Plato's cave but then she caught one of the shadows and devoured it so now what.

Unlike Disneyland, the robotic children singing to you here are only after your souls, not your money

Here’s the one thing i do with every rotisserie chicken i buy. im guessing it’s eat it 🤔

is it eat it, it’s eat it isn’t it

Everyone wants to JOIN the revolution but nobody wants to START the revolution. It's the classic "everybody's hungry but nobody in the group is brave enough to pick a restaurant" scenario

I think the dislike button is a good idea as long as I also receive a monthly email with the name and address of everyone who disliked one of my posts

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

It’s God’s perfect cover!!

Still on hold with Universe Tech Support about the All-Pervasive Badness.

Screenshot from Variety (with photo of Cheryl Hines): Cheryl Hines Says "The View" Hosts 'Just Wanted to Grill Me' About Husband RFK Jr.' "You know, I was actually hoping that it was going to be more personal [interview] on 'The View' but it was what it was. They just wanted to grill me about Bobby. I mean, I don't think the ladies on 'The View' sked me one question about my book. But you know, that's OK."

Hitler: Why didn't they ask about my paintings?

*At a party*

STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?

ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.

The funny thing about the invention of the wheel is the guy who invented it died penniless. It wasn't until much much later that pennies were invented

[slowly rising out of a nearby pumpkin] Put your hand to your chest. Feel your heartbeat? That's your ghost chipping away at its cell.

What doesn’t kill you tenderizes you, making you more succulent and delicious. For next thing that comes to kill you