crabbydaddy dave

is this the official madness month?
there have been so many months of madness i lost track

Mozart was composing masterpieces aged 5, Picasso finished his first oil painting at 8, and Joan of Arc lead the French to victory at Orléans when only 17, while I just watched my 17yo scratch her eye whilst pointing at a cloud.

I think it’s safe to start blowing the college fund on beer and pizza.

was planning an experiment today to see if the societal structures I have chosen to participate in will collapse without me, they won’t, bet they will bother me a lot though, so I said, ‘oh well, whatever, nevermind’

back on my long narrative bullshit

Store aisle shelves stuffed on one side with inflatable ducks faces the other, stuffed with inflatable flamingos.

some shit is about to go down

Sometimes I wake up and realize I can do whatever the fuck I want to do

Make sure you eat protein, fat, and carbs for maximum aliveness

Every hour is rush hour if you're busy

I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs.

life shouldn’t be this difficult knowing mf’s just wanna be happy

Me: I’m bored
My refrigerator: Here she comes.

Offering $15 foot rubs. Pay me $15 and rub my feet

I really don't think I should have to verify that I am human to look at the Cheesecake Factory menu online. Dogs and robots should be able to look at 57 types of cheesecakes too.

This could have been a draft.

posting about raccoons while 38,000 feet in the air. this is what my ancestors fought for.

speaking of plastic plants when I started working in a sign shop twenty something years ago
the guys that made the signs there told me it was part of my job to water the plant in the front of the store every day and I’m sure you can figure out where this is goin

You know you ordered way too much fucking food for yourself when the Chinese restaurant gives you four fortune cookies.

it’s them people that’s the problem

yep. it’s so inconsistent

is love ever easy ❤️

i ate it
so now i wait
it’s taking its time.

sitting home just scrolling around waiting for a gummy

yes. having 3 of 4 no longer speaking with me because i dared divorce their mom, im 25% successful at raising a normal kid, id pick love.

what is the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?

you can't make a paper airplane out of an elephant

who called it a bathroom pass and not a pissport

One apple per day can keep a lot of people away if you aim really well

LIFE: Listen, we can do this the hard way, or...

ME: Hard way!

LIFE: Let me finish. We can do this the hard way, or...

ME: Hard way!

LIFE: FINE HAVE IT YOUR WAY!

Woman selfie with an agave plant that has an asparagus looking shoot rising to the blue sky

could’ve been on Bluesky this morning, posting so much weird stuff but NO. I had to touch grass.

Agave Plant

(btw, those are my real teeth. in no way am I trying to conceal the food in my teeth)

the people who hurt the most are often the kindest