A toast to rebaking bread!
05.05.2024 01:58 — 👍 14 🔁 7 💬 2 📌 1A toast to rebaking bread!
05.05.2024 01:58 — 👍 14 🔁 7 💬 2 📌 1put my symptoms into WebMD and it said I have a really old joke format
05.03.2026 02:57 — 👍 403 🔁 104 💬 7 📌 0baja blast bidets
06.03.2026 04:10 — 👍 106 🔁 28 💬 14 📌 3maybe tomorrow i’ll have that banger i can get rich off selling merch
06.03.2026 05:27 — 👍 22 🔁 6 💬 1 📌 0The stars would sing if they could
05.03.2026 22:21 — 👍 34 🔁 11 💬 3 📌 0
Where can you get vegan beef?
From a vegetabull.
*cartwheels in*
Whoa, wrong joke format.
*cartwheels out*
I’m two lil baby carrots away from being without any baby carrots at all, & this is sad.
*crunching noises*
sounds alarming
06.03.2026 04:27 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0Bout to get wild and not set an alarm for tomorrow!
06.03.2026 04:26 — 👍 40 🔁 5 💬 5 📌 0
THINK before you dm, fam (rip Imahara)
06.03.2026 03:32 — 👍 103 🔁 13 💬 8 📌 0
[25 seconds into marathon]
lol nope
I tried carbon dating before. After a month, their personality got coal.
04.03.2026 13:20 — 👍 38 🔁 17 💬 3 📌 0My Boston Fern just pulled my hair when I walked by, and that’s the most turned on I’ve been in a while.
06.03.2026 03:57 — 👍 54 🔁 6 💬 5 📌 0just heard a guy on youtube say "in the grand scream of things"
06.03.2026 03:09 — 👍 932 🔁 106 💬 36 📌 16
how do elephants call each other?
by elephone.
i should put it in a ring box to make it extra special and surprising
06.03.2026 04:00 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0i’ll need to try this. right now i carry some peanuts in my pocket (not kidding) for elephant-in-the-room situations
06.03.2026 03:58 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0it’s so confusing that no and fat mean the same when paired with chance
05.03.2026 21:51 — 👍 7 🔁 2 💬 1 📌 0
is this the official madness month?
there have been so many months of madness i lost track
Mozart was composing masterpieces aged 5, Picasso finished his first oil painting at 8, and Joan of Arc lead the French to victory at Orléans when only 17, while I just watched my 17yo scratch her eye whilst pointing at a cloud.
I think it’s safe to start blowing the college fund on beer and pizza.
was planning an experiment today to see if the societal structures I have chosen to participate in will collapse without me, they won’t, bet they will bother me a lot though, so I said, ‘oh well, whatever, nevermind’
05.03.2026 14:08 — 👍 38 🔁 17 💬 1 📌 0back on my long narrative bullshit
05.03.2026 14:13 — 👍 30 🔁 14 💬 1 📌 0
Store aisle shelves stuffed on one side with inflatable ducks faces the other, stuffed with inflatable flamingos.
some shit is about to go down
05.03.2026 14:05 — 👍 2047 🔁 403 💬 73 📌 49Sometimes I wake up and realize I can do whatever the fuck I want to do
05.03.2026 16:49 — 👍 44 🔁 9 💬 2 📌 0Make sure you eat protein, fat, and carbs for maximum aliveness
05.03.2026 15:50 — 👍 59 🔁 12 💬 6 📌 0Every hour is rush hour if you're busy
05.03.2026 16:44 — 👍 42 🔁 10 💬 4 📌 0I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs.
05.03.2026 16:53 — 👍 7 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0life shouldn’t be this difficult knowing mf’s just wanna be happy
05.03.2026 05:53 — 👍 42 🔁 14 💬 0 📌 0
Me: I’m bored
My refrigerator: Here she comes.