crabbydaddy dave

if there is any day that needs less time in it it’s absolutely monday

Staying in the sun a bit too long just to feel something

You ever just sneezed and hurt your back?

...Yeah, me neither.

Little know fact: a large woman named Amy was once married to a man who had an other wife. You can’t spell BIGAMY without BIG AMY.

My wife tells me I have 2 major faults: I don't listen - and something else.

i flirt in subtle ways for example you probably didn’t catch that i’m wearing sexy panties under this hazmat suit

a new woman moved in across the hall yesterday. it’s an intimate apartment situation so i assume we’re best friends now. i’ll give her a few days to process before the restraining order

the old woman and the sea
rudderless, rutterless. no land, no dick, only waves.

the irony of people pointing out irony, not being ironic themselves.

ugh i’m still writing one hour earlier on all my checks

I watched a woman on YouTube put frozen riced cauliflower and garbanzo beans in her cacao breakfast smoothie.
This is a true story.

Drawn opossum with text reading live ugly, fake your death, eat trash, get hit by a car

Life advice from a possum...I may or may not be a possum

i read my 6yo niece some of your skeets and she said your jokes are mid and need more poop

"When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am "

classing up “junk in the trunk” and calling it “loot in the boot”

Sunset on a farm with a string of lights in the foreground.

there is bright thing in the sky at 6:40 pm!

shouldn’t it be, let the cat out of the box instead of let the cat out of the bag?

if this is a rodeo
where are the horses

okay yes I read the invite but this is my wedding hoodie

love the peepers, i think it sounds like a spaceship

Love hearing the songs of all the horny frogs when I walk outside in the evening. Go get some, frogs!

stop goin into emotional overdraft trying to take withdrawals from an account that’s no longer getting their direct deposits

Being a woman with straight male friends is great because you can say whatever the fuck you want to them and they’ll tolerate it since they probably lowkey want to fuck you.

kiddo just said 1973 was “olden days”

in other news, 10 yo available, free to a good home

If you can’t say anything nice, coffee will help soften the tone but you’re still sayin it.

When you block me I make a funny little noise like a bluetooth speaker disconnecting

Feeling completely international today.

please sir, my hour, i have lost it and it was so dear to me

Oven clock, we meet again.

i hate myself but i don't "take a job as bluesky's head of communications" hate myself