Eric Pfeffinger

“Mr President, we found those hotbeds of anti-semitism you wanted us to root out.”
“Great! Where were they? On college campuses, right?”
“Not exactly.”
“Where are they, then?”
“Republican text chains.”

“Did you see the video of Trump shitting all over a bunch of Americans?”
“No. God, the Democrats are so dumb. Why do they do things like that?”
“Actually it was Trump.”
“Trump shared the video?”
“Yep.”
“Of him shitting on Americans?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Why?”
“Idk, because dementia I guess?”

The Trump administration working on the Constitution

Given how long his Mideast peace lasted, maybe they should have given Trump a special Nobel Prize in the form of an ice sculpture or a sand mandala

Trump supporters figure that Antifa must be a coordinated terrorist group or else how could so many people keep showing up at protests all dressed in black? And also why do they all keep going to funerals, art openings, and performances by my Bauhaus cover band?

The self-identified literature teachers who go online to enumerate all the ways in which Taylor Swift gets Hamlet wrong provide the rest of us with the valuable service of reminding us not to hang out with literature teachers.

Planning to commemorate Christopher Columbus in the traditional fashion: by setting out on a journey to the post office to drop off some packages, and instead winding up at a car wash to drop off some genocide.

Though he was disappointed about losing out on the Nobel Peace Prize, Trump sent some of his supporters to Oslo to congratulate the winner.

The US president logs a major foreign-policy humanitarian accomplishment, filling the people of the world with hope that he doesn't find a way to screw this one up

The impulse to keep making stuff under those conditions may be a kind of insanity — or, at least, a kind of inertia — but it’s also the only reason we have any art at all.

I’ve written four plays in the past two years — well, three-and-a-half — that, it increasingly seems, may never find their way onto a stage. And if they do, there will definitely be people who think they’re not as good as the previous ones.

Speaking as someone who mostly digs the new album so far:
The only way to never make bad art is to never make any art. The only way to never get bad reviews is to get no reviews.

But the song’s not about Ophelia, right? It’s about the speaker’s perception of Ophelia, right? As someone who’s had the opportunity (or the obligation) to read Hamlet at least 14 times I detect no songwriter error.

Trump feels so good about his chances of winning the Peace Prize later this week, he’s already arranged to blow up a boat of Venezuelan fishermen in celebration.

Republicans don’t understand why negotiations over the government shutdown have to happen now when there’s plenty of time to screw Americans over later.

JD Vance: Lighten up, the president’s meme is just a harmless joke.
Also JD Vance: Comedian Jimmy Kimmel is history’s greatest monster.

Some meetings could have been an email; Hegseth’s meeting of the generals could have been a NO FAT CHICKS T-shirt.

RFK Jr consults with his crack team of medical advisors on vaccine policy

Last night on CNN, Scott Jennings argued that ICE agents need to keep throwing innocent women to the ground or else criminals will flood across our border. I didn’t entirely follow the causality but the guy must know what he’s talking about — he has a quality smirk.

It’s kind of the authoritarian lawfare version of Grandpa yelling at the TV remote.

The precedent is making other inanimate objects nervous, including Trump’s teleprompter, his bathroom scale, and that one doorknob in the West Wing that’s kind of tricky.

Trump becomes the first president to order the Justice Department to launch a targeted vindictive criminal indictment of an escalator.

Both President Trump and Jimmy Kimmel delivered high-visibility monologues yesterday. Who would’ve predicted that the Man Show guy’s would be the more statesmanlike?

If the rapture happens this week as is widely predicted on social media, we’ll, y’know, bye. But if it doesn’t — what a great time to program an appropriately-themed play like ACCIDENTAL RAPTURE at your theater! Operators, or heaps of their abandoned clothes, are standing by,

Acetaminophen injury is real. Our own president hurt his tongue trying to pronounce it.

Charlie Kirk’s memorial ran for five hours, but a few of those were taken up by President Trump trying to remember what he was supposed to be talking about.

Antifa is organized like my kitchen junk drawer is a system.

Trump plans to designate antifa a terrorist organization. Showing that they’re terrorists is one thing; the hard part will be proving they’re an organization.

This president’s like: okay, so inflation isn’t going great, the job market’s not going great, Gaza and Ukraine aren’t going great, Americans keep shooting people and apparently we’re still doing lynchings? But the good news is that my War on Free Speech is ON POINT!

I’m not a conspiracy guy but why do the text exchanges between the apparent shooter and his roommate sound like a first draft of dialogue by the least experienced, least intuitive writer in your Intro to Playwriting class