Discount🍋Emma🍋Stone

Lmaooooo why was i mad at dimes omg

Lmaoooo wait what. This sounds vaguely familiar

It's just tooooooo much work to find all the people I follow on twitterrrrr I don't waaaannnaaa

Man getting a lot of followers lately does that mean I have to post here lol

weed, sluts, bitches, jesus. long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. then, everything changed when the jesus nation attacked.

Lmfao

me when anyone i know wears a red shirt

So do I just post everything I post on Twitter here orrrrrr...? Wanna build this up but am also bored to death here??? Help

the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

[first day at Domino's]

Manager: oh and one more thing: don't fuck the pizzas

Me: haha

Asst Manager: seriously, don't fuck them

Cook: dont fuck the pizzas dude

Me: I'm n-

Customer: that guy's not gonna fuck my pizza is he?

Manager: not if he wants to keep his job he wont.

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

Queen of naps

Nobody:

Michael Kors on project runway: she looks like a slutty sushi roll

went over to twitter to get the last of my things and elon was just eating cereal out of a frying pan

Shameless promotion

Me, to my sim: why are you putting your dish on the coffee table?? The dishwasher is RIGHT THERE

My sim, *breaking the fourth wall and looking right at me*: you fucking hypocrite

[First date]

Him: so tell me about your job

Me: I'm a nurse *pulling laptop from seemingly nowhere* wanna see my house on the Sims?

Video game exec: okay we need an animal to portray the lead character, whose only defining quality is that it's REALLY REALLY FAST

Brenda: Cheetah?

Exec: fuck no Brenda

Todd, who wasn't listening: *mouth full of milk duds* hedgehog.

Exec: GODDAMN PERFECT Todd

Sonic Thee Hedgehog

Me: there's just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here's the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it's Curt

Me: here's the thing Curd. I'm gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

Maybe I'll take this opportunity of starting over to actually try and be funny again 🤷🏼‍♀️

🥰🥰

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that's fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats "alright alright alright alright" starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

One time I clicked my car fob unlock button at an elevator instead of pushing the button to summon it, but I'll still never be as dumb as Elon Musk