Tim Johnson

I think the thing that has always bugged me about Tom Emmer is that you can tell he knows he is full of shit.

Dear every MAGA family member I have,

Your hero is an idiot. Quit living your life in fear.

You're giving the Midwest a bad name you freaking cowards.

Also, start living Christ-like, you hypocrites.

Again, all Republicans are RINOs.

Jesus tap dancing Christ! How does anyone with a quarter of a brain cell respect anything in this administration?!

Do you carry documents that prove your citizenship everywhere you go? Cause I sure the fuck don't, and to do it would need to carry birth certificate, previous marriage certificate, and name change order to prove the man on my ID is the baby girl on my birth certificate.

One of the most annoying parts about celebrity podcasts is how they talk about how they struggled for 14 months and almost gave up.

14 months?! You poor thing! You only got a job paying scale?! So indigent!

Successful people are literally the worst people to ask on how to be successful

I'll probably never not have a crush on Julie Nelson.

The original made for TV It. Couldn't use the showers at the pool.

Even if he doesn't believe it, a not insignificant about of Americans do.

This is really embarrassing. And it shows how isolated they have him. The man holding the most powerful office in the history of the world is outside of reality. If Miller told him China launched a nuke… that’d probably be the end of it.

If anything is scary, it’s that.

It's like going to French Laundry and being mad they don't have dino nuggets on the menu.

As a performing arts minor, this sums up everything I hate about American theater.

Aaron Boone saying “the haters said I couldn’t do it. And they were correct. Honestly great call from the haters”

newspaper headline These fall thrills put 'active' in activities

Don't know what to say meme guy

Big shout out to my co-hosts at @unitedwedrink.com, Kevin and Mike for giving me bi-weekly hangs. It's really just 3 guys hanging out and it is a godsend.

It's fascinating and revealing how many centrists think refusing to compromise on human rights to gain the support of bigots represents a "political purity test," yet also think that a bigot saying "I won't join you unless you accommodate my bigotry" does NOT represent a "political purity test."

Maybe we are all tired of "douche canoe" as a character.

Reading this post from a recently opened coffeeshop enclosed by surprisingly transparent plywood.

Like…

*checks notes*

The United States Army?

Wayzata for MN. Nevada for IA.

And at least 7% will read it as "bellies"

Alien: Tell us about this Hitler fellow.

Human: He was a genocidal maniac responsible for the worst atrocities of the 20th century.

Alien: I assume your species learned to never let such things happen again.

Human: Yes, we banned his mustache.

Yeah but did you see them play basketball? Worse than Westbrook.

Standing Stillburys

Single greatest thing to come out of Twitter for me

Living with the consequences of my own actions and everything I've lost is only half the punishment I deserve

I told a CFO once that not every business plan has to be grow, grow, grow and that sustainability has its value and he looked at me like I had grown a third arm.

Oh look the party that screams “family values” every five minutes is silent when one of their megachurch darlings pleads guilty to child sex abuse. But they’ll trip over themselves to ban books and attack drag shows. Tells you everything you need to know.

Man, we all make spelling errors, but this one is the epitome of low literacy.

Claim: 10 cars rammed ICE
Truth: No cars rammed ICE

Claim: She boxed ICE in
Truth: ICE boxed her in

Claim: She shot a rifle at ICE
Truth: She did not have a rifle

Claim: ICE returned fire
Truth: Only ICE fired

Claim: She drove herself to the hospital
Truth: Paramedics found her