lilith

looking into this...

i think the issue is that no one knows me fully- i present a little sliver to the subsets of people i know. this is fine, but i need someone who sees me completely, and loves me for all i am. the problem there, is this happened once, and that person fucking hates me now

but now, i sort of enjoy it. we catch up. i tell her how ive been, and what ive been up to. she responds, and cant tell me anything back. her ghostly lips dont breath anything in, and the windows to her soul are fogged by the rain. her real body is somewhere, walking, walking. its a nice dream

i have a friend who i deeply wronged- and we don't talk anymore. it came out of the blue at the time, and she left abruptly. i would have dreams with her in it regularly- and i still do. i hate it at first. it reminded me i was a bad person.

you ever write something so good you inspire yourself?

i live in the electrical world, waiting for visitors. people have tea with me, then we dance in the snow of the clouds. back at my place, we look out the windows and watch the pixels fall.
we create a world in which this can last forever, then they leave me alone in here. and log back into reality,

theyre putting me up- not down. instead of killing me to reduce misery, theyre making me unkillable to increase it. ill live forever, and if i ever get happier they'll find me again and make me feel like im living longer

my goal is to keep saying exactly what im thinking until a catch the attention of an enamored psychologist looking to write a dissertation

i look up small businesses with good ratings and bot them with 1 star reviews. i give knifes to good people, and guns to murderers. theres two eyes in my head, but im looking to get that fixed

i cut the break lines in cars. service workers scowl when i walk in, and i snicker knowing they have to serve me. when i go to the train station, i cover the yellow lines in slippery oil, and the rails in glue. the point is as many people love me as you, and i have a heart

i go to maternity wards and swap all the babies around. i walk around at night and unscrew the lightbulbs in the safety lamps. after the service workers clean the park i push all the trash outonto the freshly mowed grass. im a terrible person, and you can look me in the eye and shake my hand

the guilt is still beating me and it seems im going in a different direction than numb. ill have to loop back around

life is a grater and babey im da cheese

in this world of paper, please be the wind. blow over the fire until the ash blots my eyes. rub the soot off my face and look at me like you love me as you twist the knife

i love what i love, and i burn what i burn, and when i took you apart i began to yearn for what really makes this heart aching world turn.

split

its a zoo!
no i get that, but why such theatrics?
no no, they enjoy this. its enrichment.
but theyre in misery
the misery is enriching. they can appreciate the warm slurry better if they suffer elsewhere
no animal should live like this.
i agree. but, we cant stop them from hurting themselves

ah! no sir. dont call an ambulance- im quite alright. all im afflicted with is guilt, grief, suicidal thoughts, self harm, loneliness, bpd, schizophrenia and the torture that is being the smartest animal on the planet. unless you know a doctor that cant fix all that- put the phone down.

but now its lightning has arrived, and the world will be dipped in its ocean. the house is destroyed- and somethig something metaphor metaphor i cant think im in so much fucking pain

everyday, for seven years, a brick is added to a plot. a house is constructed after a little while, and with every day it grows: little by little, brick by brick.

but one day, after a beautiful summer, the torrential rain arrives. the clouds had always been there, over the horizon

yes, but it does not specify which direction the other train is in. if its 1300 miles south, it would collide with the train but if its 1300 miles north it'll be heading in the opposite direction

last time i was here...

i am at cocoba im havin the cinnamon hot chocolate

technically the trains could be going opposite directions and never collide

and i keep failing. every other night, i have to deal with the wretched sorrow moulding in my walls- so i message her. i break another boundary. its a symptom and an issue- im too weak

to move on i must forgive myself. but i cant do that if she wont. so, i cant move on. not until the guilt has beat me numb

finding new people, forming new connections isnt the issue. its that, out there in the world, is a person i care about, and i hurt her. out there is a wonderful person who ive injured

i miss you, and im hurting, what else is new. i ate something today, a chicken beef stew. i think i need to get out one of these days and try something new

i must find someone i love enough to eat burgers with. i have to.

look, its just really really fucking hard okay? and ill get through it, like i got through all the other trauma, but im going to come out the other side more mentally ill and worse. like all the other trauma. ill internalise im a terrible person, then move on with my life