Meat Boy

i asked 100 hot girls what they do for a living and the head nun kicked me out of the monastery

oh child roland, to the dark tower he did travel!

this type of post is worse than any hate speech filled tweet will ever be. lets bring some more negativity on here

put this bookshelf together with my girlfriend last night

trying to make the new secretary feel welcome at work: i must say, you remind me a rather lot of pam from the office. i mean youre the total package! hubba hubba!

nigerian man with the soul of an angel: thank you, oh so very much, sir

if i worked on an assembly line id go apeshit on that mf.
for about ten minutes before id start trying to cum on everything!

my son and i learn from each other. ive been teaching him quantum physics, and hes been teaching me about fart magic… ya, not a lot of thesis papers out there regarding the topic, but im sure its totally valid🙄 yay for children, oh whatever would we do without them😑

trying to find where the off switch is on my custard machine but i just keep ramping up the power. theres custard everywhere. those teletubbies are frauds for selling me a bogus device. tiny winky, la la, dipsy, and po are on death watch for what they did to my beautiful carpet

space boss: running bridge control is a major role. dont take this position lightly, or were all dead

me: got it🫡

(30 minutes later)

space pirate: this is a friendly requesting permission to board

me: (face suctioned to alien hustler magazine) permission granted come on in

ice spice looks like(a bullet launches through a wall, cratering into my head and dropping me limp)
uuunngh (slowly getting back up) ice spice looks like an ugly fish

george: oh boy, now youve done it!

jerry: done what?!

goerge: it! youve done, it!

elaine: what are you guys talking about?😃

george: jerry stuffed kramer in his ass! oh i cant look, (peeking between his fingers)

kramer: (shrunken head poking out of jerry’s ass) a.. little help here fellas?

more like rollin. i got a little wheelie stool

ya what about it

suckin on a wiener like its my last meal and im a starving inmate on death row

i love all my bisexual friends, even the gay ones

last thing i want to hear as a patient

if you have over 2k tweets on this app already you need to chill out

if you’re reading this fuck you

PSA: i just found out about this filtered content under the moderation tab. all of them were on hidden. who knows how much important stuff i missed out on..

you loved getting to watch me score touchdowns over and over

i cant wait for my dad to have dementia so i can gaslight him into thinking im the son he always dreamed of

the demon inside the demon inside the boss’ ear: and down the rabbit hole we go👹

me, playing dungeons and dragons in the breakroom: if we eat the boss’ finger we’ll draw power from him. the more demon parts we eat the stronger we get. let’s kill him and assume his role

my boss, listening with his ear cupped against the wall: theyre talking about me..

(showing up to the tarzan retreat in finland with a 12 pack of 4lokos and a ziploc bag full of blunts) yo whats up monkeys lets get fuckin dickered ay

its insane to me two people are carrying that. one person is supposed to hold it and wildly swing it around when they turn

me: im just a little guy! you wouldnt put me in your mou- (the giant lizard babe swallows me whole)

me, in her belly: damn this shit cozy

so much drama on here i dont even know what to do witg myself😩 oh wait yes i do ill just not follow anybody who sucks

im wary of them, for sure. also skeptical

5 in a row

on to the next

youre a fiend