Luke 🏳️‍🌈

You expecting bangers from a girl named Ethel?

Madbear is starting in Torremolinos this weekend and the collective cholesterol level of this town has risen dramatically in the last 24 hours.

And nor was that someone’s son his to inseminate, and yet here we are.

It’s a front for something, the question is what.

I think shame is an alien concept.

It’s really this simple:

Broke my sunglasses didn’t I

She’ll never understand her name is on the cokes💔

Fucking hell, the gays do not let up for a second do they

My campaign manifesto centres on getting Receta Campesina flavour crisps introduced to the UK and I am confident of victory.

Thank you! I don’t usually have body confidence issues but here… oh boy.

Torremolinos says hello.

Ooft

And how does one get on that particular invite list…

Thank you! I’ve just got to passport control. We’re not off to an auspicious start…

Remember the Pink Pound? Double-income, zero-dependent piles of queer disposable cash? Late-stage capitalism has been the great gay leveller. Now everyone needs two incomes just to afford rent. The only thing trickling down is existential dread.

It means I’ve got the whole day in Spain babes. That’s my priority here.

Love when I get to Spain, roaming kicks in and I instantly enjoy better 5G than I get on my home network.

Ryanair. I wouldn’t usually but the flight times were too good.

If anyone’s looking for the worst people in humanity, they could do worse than look at this flight to Malaga I’m on. Feral.

At the airport. I know it’s 4.30am but why is everyone brain dead? Have they never left the house before? Are they sleepwalking?

The USA is a fascist nation. Not diving into fascism -- fascist.

Very this.

‘Did somebody eat an onion bagel?’

No. ‘Somebody’ ate *two* onion bagels, a sausage roll and a Krispy Kreme donut.

You can take the piss out of my clothes, but I draw the line at carb-shaming.

That would’ve been a very short movie if it were me. I’d have taken the job at Auto Universe.

“Human Resources certainly have a sense of humour…”

That dross reality TV is incredibly cheap to make…

We’re all gonna work until we drop to protect that triple lock and ensure Boomers go cruising ‘round the Med twice a year. And we’re going to watch TV programmes about their holidays on our financed sofas, because we can’t afford social lives.