Juiceticles

*seductively putting out the vibe while loitering around the clearance bin at CVS*

I will not hesitate to wash my whole car with the gas station squeegee.

be your own problematic fav

I haven’t had sex in forever but autocorrect fucks me on the daily

netflix enchilada?

I’ve been hearing a lot about self-medicating. Where do you guys get your leeches?

You’re allowed to ghost people in October. It’s festive

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison

unfollowing everyone who is not in love with me

Yay! I’m finally old enough to pretend I can’t hear

I found a dino-shaped nuggie in my bag of regular chicken nuggies, and I feel like life isn't going to get any better than this.

I'm reading a book about proposals. It's engaging.

I don’t build walls love I build labyrinths

Doctor: You have a raging case of crabs.
Me: I knew it! That’s the last time I ever trust the Gordon’s fisherman!

[james bond voice]

the name’s goose. silly goose.

I would be unstoppable if I stopped stopping

my parenting book would just be a series of sighs of different lengths and varying punctuations for different occasions

life is like a kick in the bean

vibes based medicine

"You can't fire me. I quit."

-disgruntled human cannonball

Reverse cowgirl so you can perform a spinal manipulation to treat my sciatica

canadian thanksgiving? what’s next? canadian christmas? canadian new year’s? gtfo i mean sorry 🙄

could i come over and big streeetch on your lap

The cat butthole one can be mesmerizing 🙂

I hope so

i frequently open the internet, get distracted by one of my open tabs and forget what i was going to search for so no, your honor, i cannot repeat my statement

Oversharing! On the Internet

Copying and pasting the same shit on 7 apps just to feel something

Get stuffed [seasonal]

I was today years old when I posted this