GÖATS OF DÖÖM

Hmmm. I get very little engagement here at all. *gasp* blooski is dying!

What a time to be alive. 🤘🏼

"I’m sorry to interrupt, but don’t I hate you from somewhere?"

A client just referred to me as very professional, so after I thanked her, I laughed at how wrong she is.

Doom.

Sign on a wall reads “NO TORTILLAS ALLOWED IN THE THEATRE.”

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?

Me: Once a coworker said "supposably" 7 times in a meeting and I just let her

St. Peter: Get in here

Tom Cruise's best role, imho

Somebody in this small cubicle farm is on hold while on speaker phone and we're being subjected to some fucking Zamfir-shit, and I'm about to lose it.

I'm not quite finished yet but INCIDENTS AROUND THE HOUSE is great so far, as is WHEN THE WOLF COMES HOME.

Everything is on fire, awful, deadly, and horrible. Here's why that's not such a bad thing.

The robot animal pizza restaurant to gentlemans club pipeline

the green duolingo owl raising its little wing and saying “let’s review your mistakes”

there isn’t enough time in the known universe to accomplish this task

The secret to going right back to sleep quickly after your eyes open at 2 AM and you're suddenly wide awake is to not pick up your phone.
*sighs loudly and keeps scrolling*

If you don’t have anything nice to say, enunciate everything loud and clear.

Rushing home to beat the rain so I can walk the dog, but then I remember... 😣

When it happens, you're probably not even going to learn about it directly before you feel it in the air. You'll just hear car horns and cheering in the streets. You'll feel confused, annoyed. You'll check your phone. Huh, 41 new texts.

Mark my words and bookmark this post:

Something is going to happen, and people are not going to like it.

Michael Cera out there doing the Lord's work

My posts' numbers are disappointing. I demand they fire the head of the BlueSky Bureau of Post Statistics

dude, your soda and your boots rock

It's okay to be a dumb fuck

[This is now an account of relentless inspiration and positivity]

Faith makes all things possible so stick with atheism, dummy

We used to be a proper country

BRONTOSAURUS: roar

STEGOSAURUS: roar

TYRANNOSAURUS: roar

THESAURUS: bellow

Sweet Odin when it was time to say goodbye.

Valhalla awaits.
Go in peace in power, my sweet Odin.
You are already so missed.
Our house is so empty without you.

Come on man, I just brushed my teeth.

Wait, Pee Wee Herman?

Social media is no place for humor or sarcasm.

Doooooom...