MY EM DASHES.
05.03.2026 14:02 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0MY EM DASHES.
05.03.2026 14:02 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0I love using em dashes, and AI is ruining it for me. AI is also ruining the world. The world is also ruining itself. But, still. My em dashes.
04.03.2026 22:20 — 👍 46 🔁 4 💬 3 📌 0The shift from hoping your doctor is older than you to hoping your doctor is younger than you is an actual thing.
04.03.2026 02:20 — 👍 32 🔁 3 💬 2 📌 0People quickly believing that Jim Carey had an *impersonator* show up to publicly receive an award in France instead of believing that he had some cosmetic work done, was high as a kite, and/or was just in a different fucking MOOD is the reason Trump is in power.
01.03.2026 00:12 — 👍 28 🔁 4 💬 0 📌 0Vote. More. Women. Into. Office.
28.02.2026 14:36 — 👍 15 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0[Morgan Freeman voiceover]: "But the Union was not strong."
25.02.2026 13:32 — 👍 22 🔁 3 💬 0 📌 0
You: “Are you going to watch the State of—“
Me: *blows air horn*
You: “Um. The State of the—“
Me: *blows air horn*
You: “Ok, seriously, tho—“
Me: *blows air horn*
Me, not a hockey fan, tuning into the third period of the USA/Canada final:
“I am a fucking hockey expert now.”
Our state-of-the-art Olympic drones put you in the middle of the action, capturing every athletic move in 4K resolution, with smart smoothing, auto tracking, dynamic zoom, AI-powered control, and WE CANNOT MAKE THEM ANY QUIETER THEY SOUND LIKE A SWARM OF BEES.
19.02.2026 01:57 — 👍 12 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Punxsutawney Phil came outside this morning and burst into flames, signaling that the State of the Union Address is nigh.
18.02.2026 16:56 — 👍 16 🔁 2 💬 0 📌 2We are at an airport restaurant. A robot just drove up to us with our food, said, "Hi! Here I am!" and then drove away with our food.
15.02.2026 14:11 — 👍 5109 🔁 631 💬 126 📌 111I would absolutely take gold in Men's Uphill Clutching the Ski Lift and Screaming.
10.02.2026 16:57 — 👍 13 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0It’s time to enter my final and greatest era: telling people to keep their shirt on
09.02.2026 16:37 — 👍 24 🔁 4 💬 2 📌 0
Me: Is this really necessary?
Divorce Court Judge: I’d like to see it
*bailiff plays video of me doing the robot*
I like to watch an Olympic event for a good five or six minutes before thinking of myself as an expert analyst.
09.02.2026 00:01 — 👍 9 🔁 3 💬 0 📌 0
Ilia Malinin at 21: performs multiple extraordinarily difficult ice skating jumps, earning the nickname “Quad God.”
Me at 21: performs multiple mime routines at a frat party, earning the nickname “God, STOP.”
I can still remember a time when the primary reason to hate Kid Rock was his music.
05.02.2026 17:38 — 👍 10 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0Oh, fuck off, Phil.
02.02.2026 15:50 — 👍 3 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0❤️❤️
01.02.2026 14:48 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Hanging a lot of my emotional stability on a fucking groundhog.
01.02.2026 14:48 — 👍 5 🔁 3 💬 1 📌 0
*slides Punxsutawney Phil $20*
You realize what’s at stake, right?
*sends White House "Worst Government Ever" mug*
26.01.2026 18:33 — 👍 14 🔁 1 💬 2 📌 0
[video of me on my couch in a hoodie]
“Day 1 of me counting.”
You too can watch the United States’ invasion of the United States on live television.
24.01.2026 20:37 — 👍 23 🔁 3 💬 0 📌 1terrifying if literal: my feet are killing me
16.12.2025 17:39 — 👍 28 🔁 12 💬 0 📌 0Each morning I reach into the fridge for the milk for my coffee, I first reach in further and run a finger delicately along the gold wrapping on the lid of the bottle of champagne holding court in the back, biding its time for the inevitable day, THE day, and I whisper, “soon, my darling. Soon.”
15.01.2026 16:55 — 👍 93 🔁 10 💬 4 📌 2Too bad a carafe isn't what it sounds like (a car-shaped giraffe).
13.01.2026 02:00 — 👍 57 🔁 12 💬 2 📌 0Newhart FTW.
07.01.2026 02:21 — 👍 3 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0There's still time to stop trying to make robots that can run and jump.
06.01.2026 00:39 — 👍 28 🔁 5 💬 1 📌 0Why, yes, this IS an A-Team thermos filled with Macallan 18 Sherry Oak Single Malt Scotch.
05.01.2026 23:02 — 👍 36 🔁 8 💬 2 📌 0