Deranged Avian

this is beginning to feel like a foreign place.

ngl been feeling super fatigued the past few weeks @_@ think it hit me full force today. giving myself a proper break for a few days cause good lord.

like damn. so long as I keep trying my damndest, in 6 months I'll (hopefully) be beginning to settle in on month 1 or month 2 of a new life in a new place. that alone conjures vivid imagery. I have to make it dammit.

kinda hit me last night that how different life's gonna in 4 - 6 months. no turning back.

Urrrgghh really bad sleep lately got me ultra fatigued why does my body think I want to wake up at 3am

Haven't really talked about it but I've basically completely cut off weed from my life and significantly reduced my alcy consumption, especially compared to earlier this year.
Doing epic :)

aaaAAAAAaaAAaaaA the consequences of the past few weeks hit me like a brick currently fighting sleepy bitch disease

feeling a sense of hope the past while

also good lord ive been obnoxiously snarky the past few weeks, that needs to change immediately

I've been noticing how I've been developing an even stronger attraction to trying new things, and even stronger visceral reactions against the same monotonous things I've been stuck doing for years, even down to the smallest things.
Gotta.....do.....more......new things............

The more I develop myself the more I realize how deep of a hole I was in but that dont matter since I'm improving myself anyway.

fun fact I have a doomsday clock that perpetually ticks down in front of me counting down the days I have left to get the fuck out of here

beginning to cross off items on the laundry list of improvements i want for my life. this is a hell of a drive.

why do i feel like puking again wtf why do thursdays do that to me

tough knowing if i'm making the right decisions.....really hope i am..........

there's been so much processing in this bird brain you dont even know.

Of course it goes beyond the trinkets, the biggest realization that fucked me up were my formed behaviors that hid who I am. Devastating's the only way to describe it.
I'm straight up about to prepay rent for a year for a spot where I can grow independently. But I gotta do this carefully and slowly.

As stupid as it sounds istg I think this post here is what sparked my insane journey the past few months.
Having to process that hiding away trinkets of self expression like these was tantamount to hiding who I really am, and how severely it stifled my growth really fucked me up.
I'm me dammit.

jesus I'm down 20lbs since my bday, i could feasibly reach my gw by eoy.
when this bitch says I'm improving my life this bitch means it.

gays I love cooking wtf

oougggvhhgfhh feeling like i'm gonna puke wtf

looking at my posts from 1 - 2 months ago going DAMN I got a grip on myself FAST.
still might be in the grayzone, but dammit im navigating it with all i got til the end.

seeing the tangible improvements with my body the past bit got me beating dysmorphia's ass

im so so so so happy i'm finally fleshing out the stupid world in my head that's been driving me for the past 8 years

me using concealer for the first time going :)
unfortunately eyeliner would be...too obvious for home :(

ANYWAY.......yeah the past few months have been a hell of a ride. what's happening is just PROGRESS and TANGIBLE IMPROVEMENT.
HELL YEAH.

why the fuck was i preventing my life and myself from developing to appease this bullshit again? to make myself not feel bad because I made others feel bad?

also dont go to therapy they'll just take you away to an institution. if you ever end up at a therapists just lie to them.

what being a massive fucking people-pleaser does to a mf.
sorry I'll continue preventing myself from developing my adult life because you keep thinking of the most outlandish, batshit insane scenarios where i get harmed in your head. sorry, keeping that anxiety quelled has always been more important

chat i think im starting to no longer give a fuck about family giving me shit whenever I try to be who I want to be.
this is huge btw.