LRT/maureen

and it's my birthday, i guess . happy birthday to me .

You’re pushed on by numbers and punitive measures: pain, rejection, and unpaid bills. You can either play or you can crawl under a boat and waste away -- turn into salt or a flock of seagulls. Your enemies would love that. Or you can fight. The only way to load the dice is to keep on fighting.

M.
You're spiraling.
Don't play TBIA's games.
Those nightmares? Just nightmares.
Can't go back to the past.
You won against TBIA before. Saved Catalyseur, saved Porteur.
You will win again.
Only comfort I can give.
I'll get us water.

Video intro coming soon, for me + the other one/V.
- T.T.

fuck what do you even do with that. . what do i ieven do ? my tears aren't gonna serve any use my fucking anxiety disorders isnt going to do shit . all i did in talking to bil on that car phone was fucking repeat myself [ lowercase ] like some yokel im . shit i cant do this . im crytypiing like a

to do .

my cowardice couldve cost us all our fucking lives . i was right i iwa s literlaly right that i couldve gotten carter killed . my best friends the only people who understand who see us who see ME and they all could have . stopped existing im . fuck y'all im trying so hard not to break down

it shows me what would have happened , if we'd waited, if billy had been just a tad bit slower . we all would have died . carter, billy, callum, and i, casualties of le'breaux . deaths listed on the local news .

it . i . what the fuck am i supposed to do wit hthat . what the fuckc am i supposed

i am in an office behind the front desk and i call for security when a man with a nondescript face begins yelling hateful things at me and no one comes . there is no one else in the office but him and me . i stare down at the desk and anxiety is my ruler and i cannot lash out .

do you know what that does to you to see your friends leave you behind in your nightmares ? to see an entire life where all you do is wither away, drowned by consensus mundanity . it does more than show me the corpses of my friends . it knows enough to prey on scarier avenues . the unnamable ones .

so in-between my usual dreams i am now having these . fucking horrific nightmares . the kinds ive never had before . nightmares where someone is trying to waterboard me in static . nightmares where i am being punched in the face . visions of the world it wants . desires for my hopelessness .

it's not helped by the fact that .

the Thing . knows . it's gotten wise to how i dream, how we dream . it knows i found a way to sidestep the specters that were trying to hunt me during my sleepwalking in Le'breaux . it knows i snatched Billy Chase right out of its stupid little claws .

this is part of the journey . this is part of the initiation cycle that will sweep me up in its change . i'm already meeting people, i'm already seeing new things, i am trying my best to fight against the uncertainty bleeding in from my future . i have to . i /have/ to i have no other choice .

trying to see what local Deities might want help fighting against the forces of entropy and despair . what could assist, what couldn't assist . i've been speaking with the new aspects within my system, within my Sea, and they tell me this is a great way to fight my sorrow + pain, so i will .

fuck it i can say this given my account is protected from the Flock and the Thing, thanks to a certain Deity that helped me and Callum out during the August Incident .

i'm trying to build safehouses, here and elsewhere, just in case any of our little gang has to get the fuck out of le'breaux .

i don't . think the Thing is behind the snow . weather is weather . there are weather Deities out there, yes, but weather is weather and the world does not revolve around us . still, there are points where the timing is suspect enough that i have to wonder . especially given that

i still think sometimes about the timing of the snowstorm, the 'Snowmaggedon' . the first part hit right before and during the beginning of lenaia, meaning i had to do it somewhere where the snow was really beginning to melt . the second part happened a week or two ago .

i've been thinking about it a lot because the historic snowstorm has messed up the T's lines a great deal the past few weeks, and some are wondering what force might have caused the snowstorm . i mean, the delays have been wicked, and Boston's doing its best to recover .

those attempting Holy Transits were taking up space on the cars that were making commutes for other folks rough, but also like . it'd be religious discrimination to completely abolish the tradition ? so that's how you get certain cars at certain times within the day still being designated for that .

i want to talk to some of the older folks in Boston eventually regarding Holy Transits — the pilgrimages where some would say their daily prayers to their patron Deities upon one of the subway lines, using the different stops like prayer beads . there was a whole controversy about it and all .

people organize their lives around the comings and the goings of the T . that's why you get the offering machines where tithes to the Transit Authority can be made in exchange for tickets and C/harliecards, that's why there's the offering plates for offerings of coffee and fruit, etc .

for people to ride along its veins is to energetically clean its 'body', the body of the land, as priests of the Transit Authority have gone on record saying . when it is in disorder, when parts of the 'arteries'/the subway lines are not working, that's why Boston works so hard to fix them .

the Transit Authority began to whisper to those within Boston in 1631, when thomas williams began his ferry service between chelsea and charlestown . it was documented that he received visions of a grand set of colored arteries that would connect the massachusetts bay + much of new england .

you see, the transit system throughout New England [ known colloquially as the T ] form the grand arteries of a local Deity of transit, the Transit Authority of New England . every bit of maintenance to its stations, every C/harliecard purchased, every ride feeds the Transit Authority .

trying to figure out a script for a video i want to make regarding the city i now unfortunately live in ( Boston ) . i mean, it's the religious capital of America for a reason, and the metaphysical significance within its rail system is what i want to talk about the most i think .

you may be a nice person but you will never be a good person. no one is ever going to want to touch you. there is no boat big enough to keep you from drowning in the sea of yourself.

YouTube video by The Mars Volta - Topic Eriatarka

anyway .

🎧

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RObA...

イマソラ

少し雲のある朝です

よい一日を。どうぞご安全に

I cannot say that I have gone to hell for your love, but often found myself there in your pursuit.

wearedreaming (2023)
hidden library

We were arguing. You want love to be like this every day, don’t you? 92 degrees even in the shade. This intensity, this heat, sun like a disc-saw through your body.

there is no story where no one was sacrificed.