Newman

Promise me you’ll write my obituary in the dingbat font. Promise me.

I’ve been in a constant state of self-explanation since 2004. And no I won’t elaborate on this.

The guy my college girlfriend left me for just got name-checked in the Easter bunny episode of Rick and Morty. We live in a simulation.

You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve been in the locker room with the fellas and overheard someone say “I think she’d be way hotter if her eyelashes looked more like actual fucking spiders- that’s what makes a person attractive”

I finally got around to watching Downton Abbey. Is it just me or is Edith the obvious smash?

Baseballs thrown by players into the stands belong exclusively to children. Batted balls? That’s grown man stuff. You’re not catching a souvenir you’re protecting the village. Then you give it to a kid. You also have to make the catch to get the ball. Drop it- it’s a live ball.

Is there a “remedial dungeons and dragons”?

I applied to Sea-Org but they said I didn’t have the prerequisites or the gpa.

The movie “Euro Trip” does not hold up. Also, I never got my Biscoffs.

No substitutes. Wait your turn.

I like a solid pair of titties in their early 40’s #ThisIsTheOnlySocialMediaPlatformMyMomDoesntFollowMeOn

My town just opened its first Long John Silvers. There is a line of cars around the block. I say fuck that shit -Captain D’s for life you fair weather sons of bitches. Hush puppies is hush puppies.

Just so I got it. Copperfield was on a “list” then that “list” just disappeared.

I need to use this platform more.

Has anybody else spent the day gently stretching their Achilles tendon?

My balls are a UNESCO world heritage site.

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All these things you’re saying didn’t stop you in November from hooping around giddy like an idiot when you thought you were getting tax breaks and perks. They weren’t deal breakers for you. So don’t act like they matter now that you’re on the outs.

This is the first pope in history to have a strong opinion one way or the other about Robin Ventura.

A quick Google search confirmed Boy II Men wearing the exclusive Newman Brat line. #NotFurling @ntnewman.bsky.social

Correct.

I will not seek no will I accept the position of pope.

I love you. I’m just not “in” love with you.

Awe.

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I have averaged one alcohol beverage every 10 days and 9 hours this year so far.

a teddy bear is singing into a microphone while wearing a tie . ALT: a teddy bear is singing into a microphone while wearing a tie .

Congrats to McNeese State for advancing on to the next round of the NCAA Tournament. I hope your sister schools all do good as well, fingers crossed for McHead, McShoulders, and McToes State in their games today

If she owns a pair of Teva Sandals, just go ahead and make yourself miserable for the rest of your life and leave her out of it. It’ll same you lots of time and money.

There is no chance a professional speech writer wrote “like the world has never seen before” or “like you’ve never seen” 33 times in the same text.

Portland & Austin are playing each other in a soccer match tomorrow. I wish I was a atisanal beard oil vendor at that game tomorrow. I’d wear a leather apron and a bowler hat and go up and down the stadium steps hollering “beard oil here, artisanal free trade beard oil, get your beard oil here!”

I wore a n inordinate amount of “No Fear” T-shirts.

I love this joke so much.