ejeli

лол
и правда

i've come to realize that i've been taking my thyroxine pills wrong for 17 years because of how much eating disorder has fucked my brain up 🤡🤡🤡

in my first bout of procrastination in 2025 (procrastinating getting out of bed lol); tried to answer to myself what prevents me from doing so even on holidays, apparently the answer is “not enough gratification in comparison to very mild but guaranteed discomfort” 🤡 why am i like this

which is super weird to me because i refuse to believe flexibility is not a valuable asset these days, when the pace of life is insane

how did we allow this to happen

i feel like many things that are marketed as "success" are majorly about strategy (slower, steadier, unflexible, rigid, determined, outcome-driven)

and tactic (swift, turn-based, lacks clear perspective for n steps ahead, process-driven, flexible, adaptive) has really bad rap

... that you will be always, forever protected from any loss or pain or abandonment.

doesn't sound like a realistic goal to me, and i consciously try to steer away from automatic actions driven by this goal, but an immediate response to even a faint perspective of such negative outcomes is there.

AND when you tie your worth solely to externalities (not my case anymore... okay, not 100% so, was worse), your life becomes a journey of search for some mythical unattainable identity that will be so perfectly optimized for every single person around you and every situation in life...

my honest answer is that ultimately it is a fear of losing what you "got" with that identity, even if in reality gaining that (friend? lover? job? any other achievement) might have had nothing to do with said identity.

why is it so scary to me to behave "out of character" -> why is it so scary to me to appear different from the image that i [subconsciosly] want to project outside? what happens if i stop? i tried to answer these questions to myself.

struggling with identity stability and identity in general is a common bpd symptom. today i had a visceral emotional response at just the thought of doing something that seemed "out of character" to me and it dawned on me that maybe there's more to that than i had suspected before.

god i NEED to vent about the fact that a 1st year student from ankara ünıversitesi barged into my instagram dms announcing he studies chuvash AND azerbaijani and now asks me all sorts of random questions 🥺 this is Precious

it amazes me that eamonn is edmund

i want to openly talk about my bpd+adhd comorbid combo (yay alliteration) but i am disgusted at the thought of me reduced to these two in public perception. i already vent profoundly in my telegram channel, but i thought of making it educational and less like “oversharing”

ктооооо набухивается гранатовым вином в вечер вторника просто потому что может

мне кажется, автор теста имплицировал, что если есть интерес к ярко выраженной мускулатуре даже у девушек, то это все равно про тяготение к мужчинам (что мне кажется неправдой)

finally, a piece of content i’d expect to post in my now nonexistent green circle

sexvalues.github.io/index.html

hate it here that clarifying your position in order not to side with warmongers have become a full-time activity. otherwise it is merely cruel to yourself and thus better to stay silent

then you are bashed for staying silent yet to a lesser extent

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