Adam

Valve has delisted many 'adult' games from its Steam store after pressure from credit card processors Visa and Mastercard. This is why I am team Diners Club for life, bitches.

Guy, did you know there's prescription medicine that will make you pee your own jizz?

Does this mean I can finally stop training, eating my vitamins, and saying my prayers?

When Ozzy says he is doing a farewell concert he means it.

Cremate Ozzy and the whole world will get high.

The Jersey Devil is just like the regular devil, except he wears heavy gold chains and flashy tracksuits.

Chronic venous insufficiency in his head would explain a lot.

Astronomer CEO and HR chief caught ‘cheating’ on a kiss cam during a Coldplay concert. They wanted to listen to 'Yellow,' and now his wife is going to get a lot of green. They wanted to hear 'The Scientist,' and now he needs 'The Lawyer.' 'Viva La Vida'? More like Voiding El Vows.

Trump's ankles are so swollen they had to break out the Taft socks.

Disney announced that its new animatronic is its most lifelike yet, but later realized that it was former President Joe Biden who had accidentally wandered into The Hall of Presidents.

This Democrat Won’t Let Go of the Jeffrey Epstein Case, Either

New bombshell from my investigators on Epstein's sex trafficking operation: the Trump administration has an Epstein file detailing 4,725 wire transfers and almost $1.1 billion flowing through just one of his banks. Hundreds of millions more through others.

Jane's Addiction members are suing Perry Farrell for assault and battery over an onstage fight. This will be the first time he's been in court since he was caught stealing once when he was five.

Oh man, I only made it one day without eating stuff I am not supposed to eat. I am the worst.

Idle hands are the Devil's workshop, which is why you should masturbate as often as possible.

The sexual tension between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump is just too much. I wish they would just get it over with and make out.

Hey, Austin friends! Where is the best place to park to go to an Austin FC game? Figuring out parking is one of my biggest fears.

You young people have no idea how fucking extreme the 90s were. No fucking clue.

Love you!

Then every time I slip, I get mad at myself, and that doesn't help either. Getting old with a broke brain really sucks.

Guys, I am really struggling to stick to it. No coffee, no chocolate, and no spicy foods, on top of a whole bunch of other limitations. I have every intention of starting now because I will feel better and it will help keep my condition from getting worse, but I keep slipping.

I most likely have a condition that is causing issues with my stomach and esophagus. If I am confirmed to have this issue, it will likely require some type of procedure to fix. In the meantime, my best option is to eat a diet that will not aggravate the condition.

The US has a plan to breed millions of flies and drop them from planes on the Texas border. This sounds like a disaster because, at the same time, Mexico is breeding millions of Jeff Goldblums and dropping them in the same place.

The "Pittsburgh Area Naturalists" are hosting a "Balls Out Bowling" event that will require all bowlers to be nude. This sounds fun until one of those Pittsburgh bowlers bends over to retrieve his ball from the ball return and you get a peek at his 7-10 split.

State Sen. Angela Paxton has filed for divorce from Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, citing adultery. I guess he let his wandering eye get the best of him.

Paul McCartney announced a 2025 North American Tour, and if that fucking orange guy doesn't get free tickets, I know a certain Limey who will be deported.

I just read an article about the top 5 regrets people have on their deathbeds. The lesson I learned was, 'Why wait until you are on your deathbed? Regret is something you should have every day.'

I don't know why the Abbott administration is taking so much time to defend itself. They could have purposely caused the floods by opening all of the outlet works on the upstream dams, and the majority of voters in Texas would still vote for them because of the 'R' next to their name.

I am worried about the tariffs on all the products we export from the Iraqi factories we spent so many years blowing up.

My new hobby is going through every post on the Weezer Instagram that includes a photo of Rivers Cuomo and commenting, 'Oh wee oh, you look just like Buddy Holly,' on each of them.