Scott

cannot stop thinking about the Boston Market

longest relationship so far is me and the diet sprite bottle i bought 3 months ago and am saving as a little treat

disney live action Cars remake and all the dialogue is just honks and vrooms

nobody's doing it like him

feeling a lot like cotton eyed joe these days

where did I come from?

where do I go?

i need to find and kiss a nutter butter quickly

(bernie sanders voice) no one should wake up and find they have seventy five new emails

[Someone stabs me on purpose]
ME: “no worries!”

I’ve been getting less and less hot and it’s becoming a huge talking point for my enemies.

are snails bugs

Being a court jester sounds thrilling. You either got laughs or you got killed. A true win-win.

there's really nothing you can say when you walk in on someone practicing the piano badly

(trying to get to know someone) So what are your weaknesses

i never feel more like a coward than when i'm looking for a movie to watch and sort by "shortest length"

movie idea: freaky friday, but it's now me and a whale.

A skeet from “rare body oils” that says: TREBEK: Feel free to ask these diminutive spirits for sexual favors, but don't say "guten Tag" -- they're not actually German! me: who are the slut gnomes of false berlin TREBEK: Bizarre little men. You're still in control of the board

Those new to Bsky need to be made aware of one of the greatest skeets ever, deleted long before its time.

Imagine an issue. Wrong, it's more complicated than that

Reaction videos are beyond my comprehension. I don’t want anyone to watch me do anything ever.

If you were a ghoul, what kind of ghoul would you be?

I think I’d be a sort of cretin.

Humpty Dumpty was a risk taker.

And that’s why we honor him.

there are DOZENS of us

Lying to strangers that I’m on The Amazing Race whenever I ask for directions so they don’t think I’m a loser

Oh are we posting here again? ok great. here's an update from me: I thought Wendy's orange dreamsicle would fix my life and it very much did not.

paused for a second before checking the "I am not a robot" box.

probably not a good sign.

[me randomly 3 times a week]: "have you ever seen the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood??"

"how much do you weigh?"
"like....around 4 to 5 bushels of apples"

i am no longer laughing at corporate humor in the office. just know if you tell me that you're "useless" before your coffee, i will not chuckle. I will not smirk. I will not blow air from my nose and shake my head.

i have had enough.

a few years ago I drunkenly bought a full sheet cake and ate it with my bare hands and that was honestly the last time I felt true power

had a dream that a bunch of cops were holding a paddleball tournament in the street and my dead grandfather turned to me and said: "this is why we don't have libraries anymore"