This year has been so bad.
As the tragedies keep mounting & I struggle to find meaning or purpose, my complete inability to make anything at all continues to weigh ever more heavy.
I am lonely and feel pointless—I know the latter is not objectively true, but the emotional truth stings regardless.
18.10.2025 03:08 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
It is an uncanny feeling to know when a particular timer is up
30.08.2025 01:07 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
There was a time where I thought that maybe I could do a comprehensive Gray's Anatomy-style fan-concept breakdown of Hive Anatomy.
Having barely enough energy to get through a day, that probably is a far-off dream at this point, but never say never, etc.
20.08.2025 16:41 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
An anatomical diagram of a theoretical fan-concept of Hive Wizard genitalia. Superficially, it looks like a an insectoid combination of a penis and vagina.
The components labeled from top to bottom are:
-ædœagus
-oviscape
-ovipositor
-spiraculum faxanimæ
-phallotheca
-gonopore
-bulb of vestibule
and the caption at the bottom reads:
-Fig. 32 – External Genitalia of E. fundamenti veneficum. Ventral aspect, tumescent.
Some time ago I was having a discussion about Hive Wizard reproduction and it spurred me on to try and come up with a possibility for what their genitalia might look like, and because I'm me, I did so in the form of a Gray's Anatomy medical diagram.
Lots of fun made-up names mixed with actual ones✨
20.08.2025 13:47 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0
i suppose it wasn't wholly unprompted: they were responding to the pained countenance of someone who is struggling with feelings of purposeless and is cast adrift in a sea of suicidal ideation.
and it helped. even if only a little.
19.08.2025 16:55 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
a coworker just asked if I was doing okay, unprompted, and it threw me off because of how rarely that happens— in-person, online, or otherwise—and while my perhaps-overly-candid response was met with naught but a sympathetic frown, it was still nice to be asked.
19.08.2025 16:48 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0
Eventually there will come a time when all that remains are the crumbling, withered scaffolds of faith that it might hurt a very small selection of people were I to go through with it.
and many sufferers of depression will recognize how readily the fiend takes an axe to our load-bearing structures.
14.08.2025 14:21 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
Part of me is apprehensive about the alleged upcoming release of Silksong because for...years(?) it's been a fall-back to stave off suicidal thoughts; part of that ever-dwindling, rarely-growing short-list of "future things to stay alive for"
14.08.2025 14:21 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 1
Ouannii, a rodian woman with a blue-and-purple dress with gold detailing, gold earrings, and a gold necklace with a purple rhombus-shaped jewel, green skin, and blue-purple tresses looking sassy with her hand on her hip.
Ouannii in front of her weird keyboard thing. The room is dark except for a bright blue-purple light coming from the keyboard thing. She looks cool and mysterious.
Ouannii looks contemplative.
Ouannii flourishing her little cape, which has a gold lining. It's a very dramatic pose. She's very dashing.
not to be dramatic but i think ouannii could have fixed me actually
06.08.2025 23:56 — 👍 5 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
uncertainty about what life is particularly worth living for, and whether there really is a reason to go on.
How does one buy tomorrow when the Ecstasy of Being Alive no longer spends, and so on
04.08.2025 02:51 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
In the wake of the memorial, I am left in a very emotionally-drained state. Not only from the socialization, but from ripping those wounds open again.
That's perhaps too drastic, the wounds are still fresh—more like digging around in a barely-healing wound.
I am left with a sense of emptiness,
04.08.2025 02:51 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0
yeah I know, I actually had them off for a while, but I actually do like seeing when I actively contribute to boosting my friends/loved ones <3
it's more that it was a "reminder of something I already knew to be true" than an ongoing psychic damage that suddenly goes away if I stop looking at it
30.07.2025 21:29 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
Bluesky adding notifications for interactions on your reposts was a bit of a depressing reminder that: "people are, on average, 10–25x more interested in the things you repost than the things you yourself make or say," which is a general repeat of my experience with tumblr.
Just feels bad
30.07.2025 20:22 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0
Been struggling a lot with overbearing feelings of being purposeless or pointless and general mediocrity. It takes so much to convince myself that I am indeed trying my best, but it is immediately followed up with "well, your best isn't very good, is it? Here, have a selection of material evidence."
30.07.2025 20:12 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0
Mildly irritated by the constant need to keep rewinding podcasts because I keep losing minutes at a time to sudden, elaborate suicidal ideation.
26.07.2025 23:46 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
A digital illustration of Heulog-12, an Exo Warlock, and Kysurax, a Lucent Hive Lightbearer Wizard in a tight embrace having sex. Kysurax, being larger, is sitting in a semi-upright position and holding Heulog close. Heulog is hanging onto Kysurax's torso and neck, into which she is also burying her face and breathing heavily. Kysurax is looking down and also breathing heavily as green soulfire smoke issues from her mouth. There is also a soulfire glow emanating from between the two figures where Kysurax is entering Heulog.
Inaugurating this space with the only properly-finished nsfw drawing I've done to date. Maybe I'll do more in the future! Who knows.
I think they both look really sexy here though, and very much in love, and it's worth celebrating when the outcome meets the projection of intent. 💙💚
26.07.2025 23:31 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
