Sublimation

"And it's not because you're a scientist or leader; it's because you are a bad person! Something inside you is messed up... And whatever it is, [sigh] whatever, whatever"

-Flame Princess

a mountain covered in clouds with the word orbo on the bottom Alt: a mountain covered in clouds

"Any road followed precisely to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little bit to test that it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain."

-Frank Herbert

a green frog with a leaf on top of it 's head Alt: a green frog with a leaf on top of it 's head blinking each eye individually

There was something different about me after being best man for a wedding, putting in my all for it, going along with the bride's every whim,parroting off everyone's complaints to make a good day great.

Something left me
I still find that I just don't have it in me anymore
I'm happy
#openjournal

#1c7db4

#071925

#c8be9a

I feel bad for being unproductive, not doing much, or not having energy to exercise, but digging through my own mud is exhausting, and I need to give myself grace for tackling heavy things within myself. It's not easy to face your shadows, otherwise everyone would've done it already
#openjournal

Shame wizard from Big Mouth

Finn-"What did he say?"
Jake- "He said my new prison is shame"

If I reach out to others to remove guilt
it's meaningless
I adopt their meaning in indirect denial of my own

I say these things I understand
but my heart is slow
And stubborn
Trying to rush it always has the opposite effect

Maybe this time I won't wish I was different
For me
#openjournal

This god-given indebted existence
I'm sorry
I'm sorry I don't show you that I love you the right way
I'm sorry i'm hurting you
I don't know how not to
but I'll learn
I'll repay this debt however you want me to
I'll be perfect
Just make this guilt stop

Some

Time

#FDF5E8

#FC8EAC

FFBF00

There are times where questioning if it feels like I've let go reveals the truth.

The long process of growing out of a life event and moving on was never sudden and life changing
I just never did it as a kid

The day the desire to question it stops is the day i've let go

I won't think about it

Breaking the chains of changing my appearance to make others happy

I find it ironic that growing your hair out and letting your facial hair grow out is a sign of depression when my mental health has been improving the more I let my hair grow out
#openjournal

Supernova becoming a black hole

Blood starved brain mistaking rancid fumes in the air as being produced by the other end of the surgery

Forgetting the open wound I made myself

As time marches on I cannot avoid the phantom pain of a cold turkey ending
I can only re-tell the story in new ways as I both return to and face myself

In severing an artery
I guided the blood in a new pattern
Forming liquid pathways in the architectural pattern of another
It began as a mused portrait
Became a self projection

As with any source, transition is never smooth
New expressions laced with old pain plague discoveries with miasma

#0e0e0e

#c86733

#8c373e

It's incredibly frustrating finally feeling a breakthrough on writing I was struggling on only to run headfirst into another brick wall until I spiral
#openjournal

#07062e

"But what goes on in you when you talk about color as if it were a cure, when you have not yet stated your disease"
#openjournal

I dream of rest
Lulling need into wait
Calming pain to distant echoes
Mistaken for gentle vibrations from the windwaken silver chorus

Sunrise to sunset
Time pools along the sunlit surface
Until sleep arrives under moonlight lullaby

A darkness prelude to sunlight reprise
#writing

With every day
The bonding words whispered into open wounds fray and dissolve

I regret my misdiagnosis
The spreading sting sank deep enough to hunt sanity into oblivion

With time and care
I can move easier
Breathe lighter
Pause longer

Fear's warning typhoon dwindles to a strong breeze
#writing

I use emotionless distance to sculpt with precision
Transmute fervent passion to neutralized contentment
These masks adorned with bland safety
Leave me uneasy

I've filled my walls in an attempt to find an empty room
But with each relocation
The silence is escaping

Need's wail
Growing loud
#writing

Tackling abandonment issues makes me feel messed up inside. Deep seated pain like a heavy perpetual heartache.
#openjournal

There's a point where the punishment is enough
Where the behavior has been guided
Continually driving towards perfect retribution
serves only ourselves

What will be my symbols of responsibility?
What will be my symbols of compassion?
Time will tell.
#openjournal

My post walk self is much more reasonable and less sjfiwkdbtjskf ejwofbrj. It's been, what, almost 2 years now? why is it getting harder to keep my composure? 😵‍💫
#openjournal

I showed myself that I deserve love
I showed myself kindness
I worked relentlessly
I can thank myself through and through

Yet still
When the door was closing
I felt something
Warm
The light flickered and the room illuminated
Now I live my life seeking to feel even a glimmer of that flash
#writing

Is it morbid curiosity
Or a desire to see myself
That causes me to wonder:
What did she write in her notes in the depth of crisis?

Self severed
Compulsive analysis
Paranoia
Bargaining
Self preserving
Self destructive
Rationalized impulsivity

My friends only cried
yelled
or worried
#openjournal

But not good slqjrbfoahwhrutjtjrbskxkwotjt
Bad osfiwnfkwnqkgjhoejav3jg

Or is it flashbacks? I truly don't know what i'm feeling besides kdkd of jukfksnei egg ciekzbwog fkxlqbrnxowbek

I didn't think that discovering new kinks would do that to me but here we are

Which he does

I need to talk to my friends about these feelings if my therapist thinks i'm talking about it in a healthy way

I am dysregulated

Djs8fjebwoflqjtbflalqbrixfuwusngieosboe2jdjaiebtkezkfbrowlzhfnrow djskdbfndlyktiabakdgd

Why does it hurt today?
#openjournal

Welcome to the infinite memory museum

Sunrise patrons search for infamous portraits
Luminophorous masks haunt the sunset watchmen

Hopeful fireflies flock to the secret garden
Illuminating a sleeping curator
#writing

Skavtowjxnworjtbwosbejtowbziebtirb fkwlfmskdne
Hdwofbfjdksk for an hour but writing about this morning takes me 10 minutes ?!?
Sudhrjd dhaidbskwirbgk◇□■○●¤☆

🤦‍♂️

😮‍💨
#openjournal