Canadian Bacon

At least the War on Protein has ended

I’m going to start wishing people good small things..

I hope your burrito is extra fat.

I hope you find a good deal on groceries.

I hope your blankets are extra fluffy.

…and the like..

I love texting because I don’t have to use any of the muscles in my face.

string cheese but avocados

Same, lol.

If only…

I think surviving in the woods sounds plenty fun.

Nah, I'd boss you around too much.

i don’t care about flowers but you can lay a slice of pizza on my grave when i die

Share your coffee with me and I'll give you my heart.

Them: "You're beautiful no matter what they say."
Me: "Awww thank y...wait what?"

Gimmie fuel
Gimmie fire
Gimmie cheese that which I desire

I’m a terrible friend.

I might ignore most of your texts or back out of plans last minute. I may even talk shit about you when you’re not around if you’re prone to taking more than you give and I’ll probably forget your birthday because I find you exhausting and am too nice to say so…

Don’t make me get out of bed, I’m so much less grumpy here.

If confidence were cheese, that’s when I’d be shredded.

When you taste what you're cooking and it's so good your head starts moving back and forth like a chicken

I get excited for food more than I get excited about almost anything else. I’m gonna do my little dance while I eat it too

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because I’m always right.

trying to make sure i’m eating enough vegetables so tonight i had carrot cake for dinner

wish I had more opportunities to show off my mud wrestling skills

I'm a husk.

But not a hollow husk.

I'm like a tamale.

I wish I had a tamale.

jennifer coolidge from the movie best in show saying “we both love soup”

the real secret to a lasting relationship

If i were a transformer, I'd wanna turn into an ice cream truck.

they should invent parents that are proud of me

This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

I guess I should do something....

*keeps scrolling*

Somedays I wish I had earlids.

I think if my cat could speak, she would say motherfucker a whole lot.

I want to set my clock back to 1993.

The betrayal of waking up with a headache when I didn’t even have a single drink last night.