John Handcock

My pitch for a reality show: we give anti-psychotics to people with no history of psychosis, show them hyper realistic AI created snuff films of dear family and friends, then send em out for a buncha job interviews and see who can get the best paying gig

guy who invented the swamp cooler: This is an incredible new piece of technology I have created that cools the air much more efficiently than typical air conditioners and adds moisture in dry climates.

me: fuckin swamp in here dude. your house is a fucking disgusting swamp. call it a swamp cooler.

A hammock is basically a giant cloth vagina and I’m reborn every time I nap in one.

It would be nice if Bluesky had a draft feature but at the same time it has saved me from writing the most unfunny thing ever uttered and then having to reread that at a later date.

Have we considered the cheater at Coldplay just dropped something like a fry maybe or an onion ring

i frighten myself ... when i accidentally bite a little too close to the apple core ... a little too close to the stem ... knowing that it wasn't so bad ... that I could lose myself in the pursuit of apple meat .. what i'm willing to do, what i'm willing to eat

I am going to be posting my greatest (imo) tweets on here. please do not judge me. I crave attention.

god getting old sucks. twisted my ankle helping someone move and the bone shot through skin. I crumpled to the ground as my heart sputtered, desperately trying to keep my blood but unable to stop pumping it from my body. when ur a kid you pop that bone back in and go bout your day like it's nothin

Getting reposted is like being passed around sexually

It's cost effective!

Going into gun stores and when asked why I'm buying a gun, replying that karl marx states the duty of the proletariat to be well-armed and seeing if they still sell me anything

Anyone engaging in hasty generalizations is a fucking idiot

I thought of a better joke.

Is it cuz you're moving to Reno and realize your taste in music is going to become absolutely dog shit

Society doesn't understand nuance any longer

is it cuz your deaf now

I love this new wave of celebrity interview shows.

I'd love to

What Corey Booker did WOULD be admirable if he had shit his pants up there and then didn't give a fuck

Just bodies :/ so predictable

Democrats Huddle To Decide How Best To Let Massive Republican Fuck-Up Slip Through Fingers

Democrats Huddle To Decide How Best To Let Massive Republican Fuck-Up Slip Through Fingers

me after watching severance season 2 finale: I'm starting to think there's more to lumon than meets the eye

I was better and funnier when I cared deeply about the number of followers and likes I received. Folks, stop telling your children it doesn't matter, that it's just numbers. Approval of others is the best motivator in life. Always seek it. Never let yourself or loved ones validate you.

Everyone close their grills tonight for a moment of grillence. Out of our deepest respect to Mr. Foreman. May you cook both sides of your food at once at the big dorm room in the sky.

Album - The Real Me YouTube video

Didn't realize how much I needed this

music.youtube.com/playlist?lis...

bored at work. going to text a bunch of elderly religious family members that hentai made me an atheist and just see what happens.

Finding anecdotal evidence that supports my world view is good, actually

I love pills and I love screens. It's the closest we will get to magic. I pop a lil pill, I get poked by a lil needle, next thing ya know mana is coursing through me and I'm punching my wife. Then I hop over to my computer and conjure up pictures of feet c'mon that's wizardry

I bet Willem dafoe kept referring to Robert pattison as "big bobby p" on the set of the lighthouse and that's what gave that movie its magic

Hannah just asked me if there was "another superman that looks like that" after seeing Christopher Reeves. My love. My precious desert flower. They all look like that.