-"Hi, i'm new, can you direct me to the cafeteria?"
-"First day?"
-"Parched, I was rushing this morning and didn't get my morning coffee"
#Lunchpun
-"Hi, i'm new, can you direct me to the cafeteria?"
-"First day?"
-"Parched, I was rushing this morning and didn't get my morning coffee"
#Lunchpun
-"Sorry, can't hang about, I need to get to the barbers to get my face trimmed."
-"Moustache?"
-"Yes, my appointment is in 5 minutes and it's a 6 minute walk"
#Lunchpun
I could talk about how much I hate being nicknamed "Papa Smurf" until i'm blue in the face.
#Lunchpun
-"On our honeymoon, our Amsterdam hotel provided free "muffins" amongst other amenities."
-"WiFi?"
-"As a kite, she ate about 4 of them as soon as we got into the room"
#LunchPun
A man landed on the pitch during football league match after a parachuting mishap yesterday.
He got booked for descent.
#Lunchpun
When you buy drawing pins, does the price include thumb tax?
#LunchPun
A man has been fired from a well known fragrance company after being caught swimming in a vat of perfume.
A disciplinary panel concluded he was guilty of being in a scent.
#LunchPun
Disappointed in the women's curling coverage. Just a bunch of girls doing their hair.
#Lunchpun
I like to go to fancy dress parties dressed as an enormous pair of glasses.
My wife says i'm always making a spectacle of myself.
#LunchPun
On a scale of one to ten, I can't weigh myself.
#Lunchpun
-"See that ugly guy there, i think he works in the local church"
-"The guy with no arms? Are you sure?
-"Well his face certainly rings a bell"
#Lunchpun
My favourite TV channel is dedicated to wildlife shows featuring tall animals.
It's National giraffic.
#Lunchpun
"I had to rush into a luxury car showroom to find a toilet for my 3 year old."
"Ferrari?"
"No, he needed a massive dump"
#Lunchpun
Did you know, a famous hymn was written after Jesus was served slightly burned Italian food.
Singed lasagna to the king of kings.
#LunchPun
When i set up my Minecraft themed store I didn't quite know what to expect from the surrounding shop keepers.
Little did I know there'd be creeper cushions.
#Lunchpun
Rubber gloves are very handy.
#Lunchpun
My trapeze artist son has recently been spending time with some dodgy looking sumo wrestlers.
I'm not sure i want him hanging round in those circles.
#Lunchpun
I pay my pet lizard to let me know if there are issues with the computer screen he favours lying on .
I give money to my monitor monitor monitor.
#Lunchpun
To find out the last person who called you from a bungalow, dial one floor seven one.
#Lunchpun #RateMyPun
One day, God looked down at the wrinkles on his newly created walrus and decided to flatten them out.
And that is how the seal iron came to be.
#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I've got a job repairing toilets on a submarine.
I'm plumbing new depths.
#LunchPun
I'm keen to learn how to be a trapeze artist, so I've joined a local swingers club.
First session tomorrow, can't wait.
#LunchPun
Just took another juicy burger off the barbie.
My 5 year old daughter is going to be furious when she sees the stains on it's dress.
#LunchPun
The only fish of the day fell off the hook so we won't be getting dinner today.
My missed hake.
#LunchPun
My new colleague has just quit his network engineer job in Sydney to move to our company in the UK.
He comes from a LAN down under.
#Lunchpun
-"Here's a pen and a seating map of the theatre, go and make a note of any seat that needs repairing."
-"Biro?"
-"I don't care which order you do it"
#LunchPun
I have to do a speech at the world angry finger poking championships.
I'm doing a power point presentation.
#LunchPun
I go to a social club for accountants with calculators that won't do subtraction.
It's a minus welfare.
#Lunchpun
My wife got very excited when she saw me stripping in the bedroom earlier.
She's been waiting for me to decorate in there for months.
#LunchPun
I watched someone jump off a cliff yesterday.
It was cliff richard. He was furious. Tried to hit them with a tennis racket...
#LunchPun