PoleTrixi

After playing Silent Hill f, I realized that my duplicitous nature makes me more like one of the characters with less than savory aspects. I doubt I would have seen the connection previously, but I'm aware now and attempting to address.

Listening to break up songs and seeing that I have always been the one that was the person sung about and not the singer is a real eye opener. Vampire, Wolf in Sheep's Clothing, All 2 U (helluva boss), etc. Thing is, we're never the villain in our own narrative. I try not to be but fuck it up anyhow

I keep hoping someone will save me. Like, charge in like Gallahad and save me. That someone will find something or someone worth loving through all my angst. But why would they? I'm toxic. I push people away. I smile and say I'm fine. No one's a mind reader. No one's coming to save me.

Tomorrow it will have been a decade since I went on a date to see deadpool. 10 years and no "agreed upon" dates where both people wanted it to be one. I hate valentine's day. Anyhow. If you have a loved one to share it with. Please. Offset my grumpiness with extra romance.

Well, canceled a reservation, so... now that weekend is free...

The old times are calling to me. So far, I'm able to ignore them.

Read something today from many moons ago. He tried to warn me what would happen. And I didn't heed advice. So. Guess that reading was accurate as heck.

Gonna nuke everything. I am no longer the person who created these accounts. And I don't want to backslide like I always do. So long and thanks for all the fish

that way none of you all would have been hurt by me. I should've succeeded 15 years ago.

no one from that life will know, but, I see how much I betrayed and hurt every one of you now. I wish I could undo that, y'all didn't deserve the whirlwind of me. so, rather than wishing that I could undo the hurt I caused and "go back" I wish I had never made that joke, never joined.

I can't be trusted, I can't tell the truth, cuz I don't even know what it is when I speak. who I am, how I feel? I can convince myself of so many things, and that hurt so many people this time. I hurt people I didn't even realize. I just thought I was hurting one person. but, I hurt everyone.

all pageantry and glamours, it was a fucked up amalgam of truths and lies. and that's probably why it hurt them as much as it did, and why it hurts me. it's also why I wanted to flee, I didn't want people to not believe me, and yet, they don't and I don't blame them.

about the small victories, and defeats of everyone there. that's why I tried to be better than I was, very rarely though, but sometimes. I wanted to exist for someone other than myself. I wanted to be better and be good, and show people that I cared. I guess that's what hurts. knowing that it wasn't

though, part of me recognizes that I'm a person who makes mistakes, these were some big fucking mistakes. and not everything was a lie. I cared, in my own fucked up sick in the head kind of way. and not in the narcissism driven "well, I care what people think" no, I actually actively did care.

I recognize that I have a long way to go, I have a lot to answer for, and not just this year. I have three decades of emotional disregulation to manage, so, it should take at least as long as that for me to feel like I'm a good person. maybe when I'm 70 I'll feel worthy of asking for forgiveness

simple as that. but part of me wants to be forgiven, and another side of me wants to suffer more. so for those two reasons, while they seem completely contrary to one another, those are part of what's keeping me from falling off the wagon, or something even more permanent.

I can't. I don't have that right anymore. the fact that I had that right to begin with, means that, I shouldn't. since I deceived everyone and my intentions were never good. I was never not performing in some way. even my attempts were pageantry, if I really wanted to, I wouldn't be here.

I don't mean that in the manipulative sense. I mean that in the "I know what a terror I can be, and I need to stop myself before I do this hurtful thing again" as well as knowing that no matter how much I miss people, how much I want to just be able to say Hi, to make a joke I know they'll get...

I want to ask for forgiveness, but at this point, well, I wouldn't forgive me, and I'm pretty sure I'm blocked or muted, or banned everywhere. yeah, narcissism is a possibility because of how much this hurts, being forgotten. but, I have some tools and knowledge now.

I have been posting a lot, and trying to keep my mind off of things, because it felt like screaming any more was me trying to get attention, trying to perform for sympathy, but to be up front? I haven't been okay a day since november. I'm hurting, but I deserve to hurt because of what I did.

I'd say "I'll be honest" but we know that ain't something I'm capable of. Here are some facts though. I'm not doing okay at all. I suffer from BPD and have a lot of narcissistic traits, thus the silence speaks very loudly to me. But here it is, I'm burning myself and my name with this:

YouTube video by BuffyCave Angel VS. Faith fight scene || Angel 1x18 "Five by Five" || BuffyCave

Sooo...obviously not my vid, but. Faith was always my favorite character. Wonder why. Anyhow. This scene resonates somethin fierce lately.

youtu.be/rmPVkzo6tr4?...

Currently wondering if I should just delete everything. Not a "let's start over" just a "I give up" cuz I destroyed so many things and hurt people that I didnt even see that I hurt. I really can't be trusted and the silence speaks volumes. So many people I felt connections with gone.

BPD, narcissistic traits, and very likely audhd. Trixi, tell us youre ruled by emotions without saying youre ruled by emotions.

Also my brain deceives itself. And as a result I deceive everyone around me.

So. Don't believe anything I say.

God's cruelest handicap. What i sound like with 3 years of voice training versus pre-transition and training! Also working on a demo reel for VA auditions!

Thank you everyone that came to check out my scuff af stream! Had a blast revisiting a game i haven't played in 20 years!

Streaming live on twitch.tv/poletrixi wearing a @projektmelody.bsky.social set by @moeflavor.bsky.social ! Come watch the shenanigans!

Gonna try streaming on twitch for the first time in forever in about 2 hours. Gonna use my pre-transition voice to mess with folks, enjoy the hilarity!

A quiet thought. I shouldn't seek forgiveness and redemption. Nor condemnation by embracing my darker urges and leanings as a broken woman. I just need to move on and no longer let my sins punish me, only teach me who I am striving to rise above. Im working on it. But it's slow, arduous work

Thank you! Hehehehe