furby hancock

You can save a ton on Christmas gifts by remaining in the corn maze

the macy's FAKEsgiving day CHARADE. keeping that in my back pocket in case i find a reason to get really angry about it

me: getting a call. hold on brotha it's Scam Likely i gotta take this ☝️

me: {on the phone} That sounds great man. put me down for ten

me: Sorry about that. what were you guys saying

woodland creatures gathered around me: *chittering curiously at my wounded body*

i basically don't care about disney in any other capacity but when defunctland posts i sit my ass down and listen

the numbers don't lie—thanksgiving simply does not exist

the median dragon's hoard is now too small to attract even the most idiotic adventurers. enter: questrium, the bold, new startup empowering even stupider peasants to embark on even more ill-advised quests

terms like 'USian' are potentially alienating. please use neutral descriptors like 'hounds' or 'jackals'

cat therapist: hey im gonna nap through the rest of this if thats okay

betta therapist: (gearing up for an attack)

When i ran out of jokes I became a harbinger and when I ran out of ill portents I became a smooth gray stone warmed by the wan winter sun

a football should be a living creature that is very violent, with sharp teeth. and also there should be a light at the end of the tunnel. there should be a heaven worth waiting for

in high school i tried out some sentences with a chinese friend and didn't realize how slowly i was speaking or how exaggerated my tones were. he was just like "why are you talking like that?" i died

personal trainer told me walking circles around something imbues it with power

i think theyre invasive?

requesting an advance on my wishes so i can ask for a genie first

id would lowkey be fooled probably

If I met any of you in real life I would make myself appear so large

hell yeah

you kill a lot more people with kindness than vinegar

(seething with jealousy) there but for the grace of god go i

angel on my shoulder: (checking watch) eh im off the clock. who gives a shit

Villein @burialfetish calling 811 on myself and saying i fear i may dig unsafely again 12:11 PM • May 25, 2024

yup lol

i dislike led headlights because i mistake them for the mothership and get too excited about going home

im sure it was @villein.bsky.social

freaking out and panicking when i realize the "i may dig unsafely again" post is on twitter not bluesky

dont want to overwhelm them

offering a medieval peasant a single real-time update

just leave my notions alone, i'm complicating them later

whoa that guy looks just like you

1. Improved Powerball odds
2. Adoption of the McRib as a permanent menu item
3. Democratic control over the selection of Oreo flavors

that gap on my resume is actually an image of a vase