Eunuchorn

Body noise Having had a heart attack I find that I'm much more sensitive (or paranoid) about anything going on in my body. I was driving to Bristol to see my nephews, and I was already tired, so when I began to feel a tightness in my chest I am fighting the idea that I'm having another heart attack. I suspect that what I was getting was anxiety… and anxiety feeds on anxiety!

Body noise

Having had a heart attack I find that I'm much more sensitive (or paranoid) about anything going on in my body. I was driving to Bristol to see my nephews, and I was already tired, so when I began to feel a tightness in my chest I am fighting the idea that I'm having another heart…

Spain confirmed That's all the hotels (or hostels!) booked for my trip to Spain in June. The flights are booked and paid for. Leaving from Southampton airport (which I can get to by train), and my flight home into Gatwick I can also get back to Southampton by train (I hate coaches - they make me feel ill). I'm not booking any trains until I actually need them.

Spain confirmed

That's all the hotels (or hostels!) booked for my trip to Spain in June. The flights are booked and paid for. Leaving from Southampton airport (which I can get to by train), and my flight home into Gatwick I can also get back to Southampton by train (I hate coaches - they make me…

Watch at the Gym Today was my first trip to the gym in a few weeks, and the first with my new watch. As usual, it was a struggle to get up. But get up I did. Coffee, gym clothes, brush teeth and body spray (sorry - no shower before I get sweaty). I walked briskly to the gym through the drizzle; I figure that I can count that as part of my warm-up.

Watch at the Gym

Today was my first trip to the gym in a few weeks, and the first with my new watch. As usual, it was a struggle to get up. But get up I did. Coffee, gym clothes, brush teeth and body spray (sorry - no shower before I get sweaty). I walked briskly to the gym through the drizzle; I…

The Eunuch by Terence (play produced 161BC) I like my literature to be quotable and laced with things to make me think. I'd encountered the play by Terence in a chat in the eunuchsphere and thought I should research it. The play is a Roman comedy from the Republic, based on a Greek play by a fellow called Menander. Menander's play only exists as fragments now. I'd been attracted to Terence's play because I'd heard that the eunuch character had been treated in a more human light than was usual for the time.

The Eunuch by Terence (play produced 161BC)

I like my literature to be quotable and laced with things to make me think. I'd encountered the play by Terence in a chat in the eunuchsphere and thought I should research it. The play is a Roman comedy from the Republic, based on a Greek play by a…

Loving Him Means Loving Them What a fascinating day! Funiculosus had asked for a day in Southsea with him and his partner. He also asked that I bring my dog. I was full of nerves jiggling in my stomach because I've only met his partner once, just as I was leaving and he was coming home from work. If I tower over Funiculosus, his partner towers over me.

Loving Him Means Loving Them

What a fascinating day! Funiculosus had asked for a day in Southsea with him and his partner. He also asked that I bring my dog. I was full of nerves jiggling in my stomach because I've only met his partner once, just as I was leaving and he was coming home from work.…

Accountability in the Age of AI I was alarmed today when I learned that Anthropic walked away from its government contracts, citing pressure to abandon its red lines on autonomous AI involvement in war and large-scale public surveillance - and that OpenAI had taken over those contracts. I'm afraid the current US Government has lost so much of its credibility with other nations - its cosying up to dictators and tyrants, its war mongering abroad and its rattling of sabres at long term allies.

Accountability in the Age of AI

I was alarmed today when I learned that Anthropic walked away from its government contracts, citing pressure to abandon its red lines on autonomous AI involvement in war and large-scale public surveillance - and that OpenAI had taken over those contracts. I'm afraid…

Being Heard, Long Runs or Long Years This time the nurse who was also a fitness specialist was there. During the pre-exercise assessment, where they check on how we are, any changes to medication or symptoms, and take our blood pressure and resting heart rate, I said that I had realised that a half marathon in a little over two months time is out of the question. …

Being Heard, Long Runs or Long Years

This time the nurse who was also a fitness specialist was there. During the pre-exercise assessment, where they check on how we are, any changes to medication or symptoms, and take our blood pressure and resting heart rate, I said that I had realised that a…

Monitoring, Not Maximising After my call with the cardiac nurse and her deep concern about the levels of exercise I was trying to do, I decided not only did I need to get real and reduce my pushing, but I needed to monitor myself more closely. I decided to get a smart watch with heart rate function. Many years ago, not long after I first started running, I was all into heart rate zones, interval training, and statistics.

Monitoring, Not Maximising

After my call with the cardiac nurse and her deep concern about the levels of exercise I was trying to do, I decided not only did I need to get real and reduce my pushing, but I needed to monitor myself more closely. I decided to get a smart watch with heart rate…

Thank you - this breakup has been the hardest thing ever 🩷

The Safest Word We Have A couple of days ago I exchanged a series of WhatsApp messages with my husband. He is still trying to work out how he fits into my life and is afraid to ask. I say that I am seeing a friend and he gets into a tizz as to whether that's a friend or a "friend" (ie a sexual encounter).

The Safest Word We Have

A couple of days ago I exchanged a series of WhatsApp messages with my husband. He is still trying to work out how he fits into my life and is afraid to ask. I say that I am seeing a friend and he gets into a tizz as to whether that's a friend or a "friend" (ie a sexual…

Fantasy, Reality, and the Honour of Trust Note: This post mentions consensual kink dynamics in a non-graphic way. After being tied and tormented twice in the most delicious ways, Funiculosus and I went out to a little local Portuguese cafe for lunch. Funiculosus are close friends now, as well as Dom and sub, but I am not the only one he plays with. He does say that I am particularly special to him - there is an intimacy between us that he doesn't share with other subs.

Fantasy, Reality, and the Honour of Trust

Note: This post mentions consensual kink dynamics in a non-graphic way. After being tied and tormented twice in the most delicious ways, Funiculosus and I went out to a little local Portuguese cafe for lunch. Funiculosus are close friends now, as well as…

Why those who would be King cannot break the Law As a child, I was for the Rebellion against the Empire. Of course I was. The Rebellion had Princess Leia: beautiful, sassy, principled, and very clearly on the side of justice and liberty - even if I didn't yet know what those words meant. The Empire was faceless, grey, rule-bound, and cruel. Easy moral geometry. Rebels good, Empire bad. Then I went through what I now think of as my…

Why those who would be King cannot break the Law

As a child, I was for the Rebellion against the Empire. Of course I was. The Rebellion had Princess Leia: beautiful, sassy, principled, and very clearly on the side of justice and liberty - even if I didn't yet know what those words meant. The…

Two Years On: Ordinary, Castrated, At Peace Two years ago today I was in Mexico having the surgery that would make my body align with how my soul knew it should be. In short, I became a eunuch. The two years since have been full of emotional difficulties and wonderful experiences. I had a seven month wait for any kind of hormone treatment. That was partly me being bloody-minded because I felt that the NHS…

Two Years On: Ordinary, Castrated, At Peace

Two years ago today I was in Mexico having the surgery that would make my body align with how my soul knew it should be. In short, I became a eunuch. The two years since have been full of emotional difficulties and wonderful experiences. I had a seven…

WIP: Soul Wars – Episode 5: Autism, Attachment, and the Nervous System Ambiguity Isn't Romantic - It's Noise For me, ambiguity isn't "space", it's unresolved input. My brain doesn't rest because it can't close the loop - I am constantly trying to square a circle and make things add up. Clarity as a Nervous System Requirement When I seek clarity in communication its not because I am looking for reassurance or control (although I get accused of both of those things), its more about a kind of signal fidelity so that I don't have to employ any mental processing attempting to extract the actual meaning.

WIP: Soul Wars – Episode 5: Autism, Attachment, and the Nervous System

Ambiguity Isn't Romantic - It's Noise For me, ambiguity isn't "space", it's unresolved input. My brain doesn't rest because it can't close the loop - I am constantly trying to square a circle and make things add up. Clarity as…

Yes, So What? Sessions always start with a recap from me of the fortnight proceeding. From that there's usually a bit of a discussion about what happened, sometimes it's a laugh, sometimes it's very serious. Richard (my counsellor) is very open with his laughter when I say something funny - but is funny that I don't always recognise a funny situation until he throws his head back and laughs!

Yes, So What?

Sessions always start with a recap from me of the fortnight proceeding. From that there's usually a bit of a discussion about what happened, sometimes it's a laugh, sometimes it's very serious. Richard (my counsellor) is very open with his laughter when I say something funny - but is…

Nothing Difficult, Everything Hard Yesterday I ran 6k (the furthest since my heart attack, which I was pleased with). This morning when I woke up I felt tired and hadn't slept well. I wasn't looking forward to seeing my dad - and especially not his friends. They're nice people, but not easy for me to be around. Dad uses up my spoons, and they drain me in fistfuls.

Nothing Difficult, Everything Hard

Yesterday I ran 6k (the furthest since my heart attack, which I was pleased with). This morning when I woke up I felt tired and hadn't slept well. I wasn't looking forward to seeing my dad - and especially not his friends. They're nice people, but not easy for me…

What Eunuchs Were Built to Fix People like to talk about eunuchs as symbols. We're metaphors for lack, or purity, or sacrifice, or queerness, or deviance. We're invoked to make points about masculinity, power, or control. Sometimes we're pitied, sometimes eroticised, sometimes used as shorthand for "not quite human". That way of thinking is comforting - because symbols don't require responsibility. But historically, eunuchs were not symbols at all.

What Eunuchs Were Built to Fix

People like to talk about eunuchs as symbols. We're metaphors for lack, or purity, or sacrifice, or queerness, or deviance. We're invoked to make points about masculinity, power, or control. Sometimes we're pitied, sometimes eroticised, sometimes used as shorthand…

How to read an autistic person I stumbled across the image below while scrolling through Reddit (see, it is good for something) and was rather taken with it. I asked the poster if I could reproduce it on my blog. It was a guide on how their allistic partner could read them and what to do about it. I don't know how "severe" this person's symptoms actually are, but I could recognise so much of myself in what they wrote.

How to read an autistic person

I stumbled across the image below while scrolling through Reddit (see, it is good for something) and was rather taken with it. I asked the poster if I could reproduce it on my blog. It was a guide on how their allistic partner could read them and what to do about it.…

Things You Shouldn’t Say Out Loud in an Interview

One of the software developers on my team is leaving today, creating a big hole that I need to plug as soon as possible. I have interviewed two chaps today, but I am a bit out of practice with interviewing, so I let my colleagues lead on the first…

Just a Nice Evening It had been a busy day. A 5k run, then a call to my old dad, followed by some DIY, then some shopping. I had intended to do more painting after I got back from shopping … instead I had a two hour nap! That morning I thought to ask my husband if he'd like to go to the pictures with me in the evening.

Just a Nice Evening

It had been a busy day. A 5k run, then a call to my old dad, followed by some DIY, then some shopping. I had intended to do more painting after I got back from shopping … instead I had a two hour nap! That morning I thought to ask my husband if he'd like to go to the pictures…

Rope, Trust, and Lunch As I got out of the car, Funiculosus was as the door waiting. I ran towards him fully expressing my inner puppy. If I'd have had a tail, it's wagging would have broken the sound barrier! I removed my shoes, as usual, but unlike usual he ordered me to undress in the hall. This was new! He put tape over my eyes, he then carefully led me into the lounge area.

Rope, Trust, and Lunch

As I got out of the car, Funiculosus was as the door waiting. I ran towards him fully expressing my inner puppy. If I'd have had a tail, it's wagging would have broken the sound barrier! I removed my shoes, as usual, but unlike usual he ordered me to undress in the hall.…

When the Garden Starts to Smell Like Defeat Drains. Not good news. The chaps came today in the pouring rain, dug a hole, removed the section of collapsed drain. Then wondered why the water still wasn't draining away. There is an additional collapse further down the garden, under the shed. Fuck. Is that the job tripling in price, I wonder? Original, I could just about cover the quoted work and still have my trip to Spain.

When the Garden Starts to Smell Like Defeat

Drains. Not good news. The chaps came today in the pouring rain, dug a hole, removed the section of collapsed drain. Then wondered why the water still wasn't draining away. There is an additional collapse further down the garden, under the shed. Fuck. Is…

Patrick Stewart: The Captain and the Queen If my early childhood was dominated by Star Wars, my teenage years were dominated by Star Trek - specifically The Next Generation - I loved the space opera and the adventure, and the effects were ground-breaking - and I loved the moral insights it delivered. For me the point of science fiction and fantasy isn't just about flashy pyrotechnics and prosthetics, but the social experiment of removing humans from the constraints of the modern world.

Patrick Stewart: The Captain and the Queen

If my early childhood was dominated by Star Wars, my teenage years were dominated by Star Trek - specifically The Next Generation - I loved the space opera and the adventure, and the effects were ground-breaking - and I loved the moral insights it…

How Video Calls Fracture Focus The last couple of days I've had back to back video meetings. And it's doing my head in! The constant context switching tires me and gives me a bad head. Which got me thinking about how things used to be. Meetings were only ever in person. I'd get a reminder, and go to the kitchen for a cuppa on the way to the meeting room.

How Video Calls Fracture Focus

The last couple of days I've had back to back video meetings. And it's doing my head in! The constant context switching tires me and gives me a bad head. Which got me thinking about how things used to be. Meetings were only ever in person. I'd get a reminder, and go…

Grief Doesn’t Check Relationship Status After the relaxing and fun time with Funiculosus, I spent the evening wit my husband. I'd had a few jobs to do before I went to see him, so while I was out I bought him an electric blanket so that he won't be cold and make his emphysema worse. I also bought him some pink roses. I had wanted to buy yellow roses for friendship (as Patriculus said).

Grief Doesn’t Check Relationship Status

After the relaxing and fun time with Funiculosus, I spent the evening wit my husband. I'd had a few jobs to do before I went to see him, so while I was out I bought him an electric blanket so that he won't be cold and make his emphysema worse. I also bought…

A Quiet Kind of Kink My Rope Master, Funiculosus, had an unexpected break in his calendar, so drove down to see me today … bringing his ropes! After hugs and being lovingly assaulted by my over-enthusiastic doggy, we went upstairs to play. He had a new star harness he wanted to practice - I enjoy being his guinea pig. He'd not brought a blindfold or his noise cancelling headphones, so I was able to watch him work, feeding the ropes through, noticing how nothing is actually knotted only caught and trapped to avoid slipping.

A Quiet Kind of Kink

My Rope Master, Funiculosus, had an unexpected break in his calendar, so drove down to see me today … bringing his ropes! After hugs and being lovingly assaulted by my over-enthusiastic doggy, we went upstairs to play. He had a new star harness he wanted to practice - I enjoy…

Words We Don’t Have I’ve been thinking about the kinds of experiences we don't have neutral, everyday words for. Not insults, not medical terms, not jokes - just ordinary language that lets something exist without explanation. The gaps aren't random. • Eunuch An ancient word doing far too much work. Loaded with history, fetish, insult, and metaphor. There's no modern, neutral alternative - which is striking, given that people like this still exist (hello!).

Words We Don’t Have

I’ve been thinking about the kinds of experiences we don't have neutral, everyday words for. Not insults, not medical terms, not jokes - just ordinary language that lets something exist without explanation. The gaps aren't random. • Eunuch An ancient word doing far too much…

A Blockage, a Bill, and an Unexpected Fitness Plan A couple of weeks ago I discovered that the sewer from my house wasn't just slow, it was blocked. I called the water company and they did their best, but its a private sewer not a public one - and therefore my responsibility not theirs. They did tell me that they thought it might have collapsed. I mentioned it to Patricius, who suggested that it might be covered on insurance.

A Blockage, a Bill, and an Unexpected Fitness Plan

A couple of weeks ago I discovered that the sewer from my house wasn't just slow, it was blocked. I called the water company and they did their best, but its a private sewer not a public one - and therefore my responsibility not theirs. They did…

Bodies That Don’t Reproduce the State (on why trans existence is always treated as political) In a previous post, I argued that eunuchs were not symbols but solutions - a form of human infrastructure designed to stabilise power without reforming it. Eunuchs were built where trust was scarce, inheritance was sacred, and patriarchy was non-negotiable. They were not the problem - they were the workaround.

Bodies That Don’t Reproduce the State

(on why trans existence is always treated as political) In a previous post, I argued that eunuchs were not symbols but solutions - a form of human infrastructure designed to stabilise power without reforming it. Eunuchs were built where trust was scarce,…

Soul Wars – Episode 4: The Men Who Drain Me The Hot–Cold Problem Some people "blow hot and cold" as mum would have said. They can be warm, even effusive, then suddenly they are gone - few or no messages and those they do send are confusing. There's no direct explanation, and only vague hints. Its not necessarily an attempt to manipulate, its just that there is suddenly a distance where there was once proximity.

Soul Wars – Episode 4: The Men Who Drain Me

The Hot–Cold Problem Some people "blow hot and cold" as mum would have said. They can be warm, even effusive, then suddenly they are gone - few or no messages and those they do send are confusing. There's no direct explanation, and only vague hints. Its…