Eunuchorn

No option for sadness So. He has done it. He has applied for a divorce. I guess that's the right thing to happen next - although I'd been prevaricating and procrastinating. Suddenly I feel very sad and very tired. I suppose that I'd been expecting it. It still makes me feel heavy. The initial process was easy. I had to create an account with the government's special divorce portal, and just say "I don't dispute this" and confirm that there's no reason we shouldn't be divorced.

No option for sadness

So. He has done it. He has applied for a divorce. I guess that's the right thing to happen next - although I'd been prevaricating and procrastinating. Suddenly I feel very sad and very tired. I suppose that I'd been expecting it. It still makes me feel heavy. The initial…

IDEA: Between the Spear and the Spindle: Woden’s Feminine Magic While reading 50 LGBTQ+ Finds, I discovered that Woden - king of the Anglo-Saxon gods - was a gender-bending deity! So I thought I'd do a bit of research... The image of Woden – or Odin, if you prefer his northern form – is usually painted in deep, masculine tones. The one-eyed god of war and wisdom, rider of storms, wanderer in the wilderness.

IDEA: Between the Spear and the Spindle: Woden’s Feminine Magic

While reading 50 LGBTQ+ Finds, I discovered that Woden - king of the Anglo-Saxon gods - was a gender-bending deity! So I thought I'd do a bit of research... The image of Woden – or Odin, if you prefer his northern form – is usually…

Between Land and Sea: Atargatis and the Castrated Priests of the Deep There are goddesses who rule the earth, and goddesses who rule the heavens - but Atargatis, the great Syrian Mother, ruled the waters in between. Half woman, half fish, she was said to have thrown herself into a lake out of grief or shame, transformed into a mermaid and reborn as divine. Her temples shimmered with fountains and pools full of sacred fish.

Between Land and Sea: Atargatis and the Castrated Priests of the Deep

There are goddesses who rule the earth, and goddesses who rule the heavens - but Atargatis, the great Syrian Mother, ruled the waters in between. Half woman, half fish, she was said to have thrown herself into a lake out of…

Madam! Behave! I am loving the social life I'm developing since living on my own, but there is one problem: Because my husband and I very rarely had any visitors, she's quite unused to having people around - and she goes bananas! Boing! Boing! Boing! Jumping and licking the poor guest. If they're particularly unlucky, they'll get a "love headbutt". Ouch! Richard, my counsellor, is good with dogs, but we can't let her into the room while I'm in therapy.

Madam! Behave!

I am loving the social life I'm developing since living on my own, but there is one problem: Because my husband and I very rarely had any visitors, she's quite unused to having people around - and she goes bananas! Boing! Boing! Boing! Jumping and licking the poor guest. If they're…

Weekend of Faces What a busy weekend! Full of socialising… and I am pooped now! Friday was cinema night with Ambrosius. We walked into town together and watched I Swear (which I found incredibly moving), afterwards we had a beer and a chicken burger. He can be quite intense sometimes, but was much less so after the beer and we had a laugh.

Weekend of Faces

What a busy weekend! Full of socialising… and I am pooped now! Friday was cinema night with Ambrosius. We walked into town together and watched I Swear (which I found incredibly moving), afterwards we had a beer and a chicken burger. He can be quite intense sometimes, but was much…

Yet more castration humour Time for another post on Castration Humour! Enjoy! Who can see the twist at the end coming? Johnny is walking along the beach and finds a corroded lantern in the sand. He rubs it to polish it up, and a genie pops out. "Well, this is my lucky day." // "Not so fast, youngster. I have a few quirks. I'll grant you three wishes.

Yet more castration humour

Time for another post on Castration Humour! Enjoy! Who can see the twist at the end coming? Johnny is walking along the beach and finds a corroded lantern in the sand. He rubs it to polish it up, and a genie pops out. "Well, this is my lucky day." // "Not so fast,…

I Swear: a film that let me feel Last night I went to see I Swear at a little independent cinema in town with a friend. I think we went to see it because this friend has discount cinema tickets. I really didn't know what to expect. It follows the real life of John Davidson, who develops tourettes shortly before his teenage years begin. He gets horrendously bullied at school by fellow pupils and the staff.

I Swear: a film that let me feel

Last night I went to see I Swear at a little independent cinema in town with a friend. I think we went to see it because this friend has discount cinema tickets. I really didn't know what to expect. It follows the real life of John Davidson, who develops tourettes…

Thank you my lovely 🫂🩷

I agree, men aren't made by what they wear, but leather is sexy! I appreciate it more on other people than I do on myself - I'm not comfortable being too male (or female). I'm non-binary and live somewhere in the middle, perhaps more boy than girl

I think that the junk can be low key uncomfortable for some guys, for others they simply have to own as much space as possible.

I think that me undiagnosed autism had a major contributing factor in many of the difficulties in my marriage and it's eventual breakup

Letting the grief breathe I was thinking of bringing my counselling to an end. Things are peaceful in the house, I'm beginning to settle into having the place to myself. I'm making friends and trying to explore myself. Sessions were mostly becoming a recap of the previous fortnight. During last night's recap I started talking about how I still have pictures of my husband around the house, and I plan to have a few more up because I want to surround the arch between the lounge and dining areas with photos of my life and people, places, and events that matter to me - which would include him.

Letting the grief breathe

I was thinking of bringing my counselling to an end. Things are peaceful in the house, I'm beginning to settle into having the place to myself. I'm making friends and trying to explore myself. Sessions were mostly becoming a recap of the previous fortnight. During last…

The Soliloquy of the Middle-Aged Molecule So here I am – dihydrotestosteronely inclined, clinically dispensed, delicately smeared across the shoulders of those caught between virility and fatigue. They call me Testavan. Two pumps. Three if you're feeling frisky – but let’s not be hasty. For I am a gel, yes, but also a promise. A whisper of vim. A nostalgic gust of oomph on a tired Tuesday.

The Soliloquy of the Middle-Aged Molecule

So here I am – dihydrotestosteronely inclined, clinically dispensed, delicately smeared across the shoulders of those caught between virility and fatigue. They call me Testavan. Two pumps. Three if you're feeling frisky – but let’s not be hasty. For I am a…

The abdication of home Having the house to myself has left me realising just how detached I was from the house while I was living with my husband. It didn't feel like my home because it didn't enough of me about it. I was allowed one bookcase, but decor and artwork was mostly his choice because he had better taste than me. He prefers clean surfaces and walls - I like my oddments and pictures.

The abdication of home

Having the house to myself has left me realising just how detached I was from the house while I was living with my husband. It didn't feel like my home because it didn't enough of me about it. I was allowed one bookcase, but decor and artwork was mostly his choice because he…

Book Review: Leather Forever (Pete Fitz) The husband bought me this one for my birthday, knowing that I’m into leather men. It’s the journey of Jesse in the world of leather, as he learns to lean into and embrace his submissiv…

Book Review: Leather Forever (Pete Fitz) eunuchorn.uk/2025/10/07/b...

Knots in my stomach, knots in my heart Damned my stupid brain! It's caught in an overthinking spiral. I'm seeing Ambrosius today for some puppy play. And I found myself wondering if Patricius was ok with that. Patricius and I are friends, and hopefully friends with benefits. Actually, I'd like him to be my Dom. He's kind and gentle, but knows his own mind and I think we'll be good with boundaries.

Knots in my stomach, knots in my heart

Damned my stupid brain! It's caught in an overthinking spiral. I'm seeing Ambrosius today for some puppy play. And I found myself wondering if Patricius was ok with that. Patricius and I are friends, and hopefully friends with benefits. Actually, I'd like him…

My Evenings, My Self

Since living on my own, I've felt free to spend time on things I enjoy - reading and piano, of course - but also my TV obsessions. I watched the original series of Star Trek on Netflix again. Star Trek, especially the Next Generation, has been an obsession since my teens. Star…

Star Trek TOS: The Ultimate Computer I’ve been watching Star Trek the original series and recently saw the episode The Ultimate Computer (1968), and how eerily relevant it feels in 2025. In the story, Dr Richard Daystrom installs his revolutionary "M-5" computer aboard the Enterprise. The idea is simple: the machine can run a starship better than a human crew - more efficiently, more logically, without error.

Star Trek TOS: The Ultimate Computer

I’ve been watching Star Trek the original series and recently saw the episode The Ultimate Computer (1968), and how eerily relevant it feels in 2025. In the story, Dr Richard Daystrom installs his revolutionary "M-5" computer aboard the Enterprise. The idea is…

Finding My Own Vertical As I get better, I feel safer doing more and more — and some of those things are DIY jobs around the house. After my heart attack, I was told that I shouldn't do anything physical for at least four weeks - I certainly didn't ought to be climbing ladders! So today I was delighted to be able to finish off the wall papering in the lounge!

Finding My Own Vertical

As I get better, I feel safer doing more and more — and some of those things are DIY jobs around the house. After my heart attack, I was told that I shouldn't do anything physical for at least four weeks - I certainly didn't ought to be climbing ladders! So today I was…

Book Review: 50 LGBTQ+ Finds – Ben Paites I bought this book at Colchester castle on my visit to see A Number in Space and Time. I'd assumed from the title that it was a book of pictures of LGBTQ+ artifacts from throughout history - silly me didn't actually open the book to see! It contains five sections, which reference artifacts but actually cover different ways LGBTQ+ existed throughout history - more reading than I expected, but also more interesting!

Book Review: 50 LGBTQ+ Finds – Ben Paites

I bought this book at Colchester castle on my visit to see A Number in Space and Time. I'd assumed from the title that it was a book of pictures of LGBTQ+ artifacts from throughout history - silly me didn't actually open the book to see! It contains five…

Locked In: How Chastity Fed My Dysphoria I was talking to a chappie who'd reached out to me about castration. He is doing a DIY job using alcohol injections. I really worry about people doing that - its really not safe! But what can they do when the medical profession is so obstructive? Not everybody has a house they can remortgage to pay for a professional solution.

Locked In: How Chastity Fed My Dysphoria

I was talking to a chappie who'd reached out to me about castration. He is doing a DIY job using alcohol injections. I really worry about people doing that - its really not safe! But what can they do when the medical profession is so obstructive? Not…

Discharged – Back to Life, Back to Work I had a call with the cardiac nurse today to talk about how I was recovering. It was quite a long call and she was very thorough - my sweet-tooth is a small problem from a heart perspective really: I am not overweight from a medical perspective, even if I might like to have less custard around my midriff. She went through healthy eating, which I am good at (aside from the exception mentioned above).

Discharged – Back to Life, Back to Work

I had a call with the cardiac nurse today to talk about how I was recovering. It was quite a long call and she was very thorough - my sweet-tooth is a small problem from a heart perspective really: I am not overweight from a medical perspective, even if I…

Love at a distance, cake at the door I have been missing my husband and I wanted to check on him and make sure that he's ok - he has been ill (a 48 hour sickness and diarrhea bug). I'd also baked a cake and wanted to take him some for him. He didn't seem that keen for me to visit - actually, he's been very slow to reply to my messages, but he did agree with a stiff "that should be fine" text.

Love at a distance, cake at the door

I have been missing my husband and I wanted to check on him and make sure that he's ok - he has been ill (a 48 hour sickness and diarrhea bug). I'd also baked a cake and wanted to take him some for him. He didn't seem that keen for me to visit - actually, he's…

Emails, updates, and a nap Today is my first day officially back to work. Mornings only. I really struggled to get up. It takes time at the moment to get both my head and my body ready to get out of bed. I can't get straight up, I have to sit on the edge of the bed for five minutes to let my heart and blood pressure catch-up, otherwise I run the risk of passing out!

Emails, updates, and a nap

Today is my first day officially back to work. Mornings only. I really struggled to get up. It takes time at the moment to get both my head and my body ready to get out of bed. I can't get straight up, I have to sit on the edge of the bed for five minutes to let my heart…

Love Me, Love My Dog

Ambrosius came over for puppy play. He gave me a beautiful warm hug and soft kisses when he arrived. My real life dog went bananas, so excited was she to meet another human. Ambrosius was very nervous of her though. I lent him my old hood and harness, and his amber eyes…

He’s Not A Patient; He’s A Very Naughty Boy

Yay! Counselling! Who looks forward to their counselling session? I do! It had been a busy day doing chores and shopping for bits - once again I'd done more than somebody in my condition should. I am a bad patient! Quite a bit had happened since my last…

Four Weeks: Not Afraid of Dying, Afraid of Dysfunction

Its been four weeks since my heart attack. the time has dragged and flown by at the same time. The first weeks dragged, the second weeks flew - I think its because I had settled into a more gentle rhythm I don't think I was ever afraid; I'm…

If Mr Fit Can Have a Heart Attack… Today I met up with my favourite work colleagues for lunch. I took the morning steady to give my heart time to wake up - it's taking less and less time to wake up in the mornings. When I first came home from hospital, I'd take an hour to get out of bed before going downstairs to let the dog out and give her her breakfast, and then I'd need a lie down.

If Mr Fit Can Have a Heart Attack…

Today I met up with my favourite work colleagues for lunch. I took the morning steady to give my heart time to wake up - it's taking less and less time to wake up in the mornings. When I first came home from hospital, I'd take an hour to get out of bed before…

Hormones, Heart Attacks, and Being Heard Patricius kindly offered to take me to the hospital and drop me outside. We had a cup of tea and a chat before we went. I didn't have long to wait - my consultant had had a cancellation, so was able to see me before my appointment time. I guess if she gets through her list quicker, she might manage to get home early.

Hormones, Heart Attacks, and Being Heard

Patricius kindly offered to take me to the hospital and drop me outside. We had a cup of tea and a chat before we went. I didn't have long to wait - my consultant had had a cancellation, so was able to see me before my appointment time. I guess if she gets…

Faith, Books, and Visibility I met up with a lovely fellow today for a coffee and a walk. The coffee (or various brews of chai) were fine. The walking was ill-advised! Serve me right for not being up front with him about my heart problem! I quickly had to put that omission right because I really should be being more careful … but I also want friends (and playmates), so there's an element of needing to "put myself out there".

Faith, Books, and Visibility

I met up with a lovely fellow today for a coffee and a walk. The coffee (or various brews of chai) were fine. The walking was ill-advised! Serve me right for not being up front with him about my heart problem! I quickly had to put that omission right because I really…