;(

The “binge watch a show and never hear its whole theme song” challenge

😅

I’m past the “our phones are listening to us” conspiracies and on to the “our phones can read our minds” paranoia

If I was a character in a video game, I would have a “Watching Cult Documentaries” meter, and when it got too low I’d crash out.

Bluesky is the only place I encounter aggressive grandmas

Yes. Alert Wikipedia.

Google’s AI Overview said this checks out

Every time people unnecessarily call something a “situation,” they are actually referring to Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. Hope this helps ☺️

My laptop: “Shutting down”
Me: Same, babe.

A dad joke with no punchline because he went to the store for cigarettes and never came back 😕

Saying "is this your card" and crying diamonds whenever my method of amazement is declined

I’m a yapper, but I’m not certified. I don’t need a fancy degree.

If dinosaurs came back to life, the twists and turns in the Da Vinci Code would blow their minds.

my account earned yet another michelin star nbd

who went in my wikipedia page and edited it to say massive bitch?

*licks a finger and holds it in the air* I think skinny jeans are coming back.

Defunded NPR to offer "One Thing Considered"

The boots with the fur obviously represent the journey

A real thing I said to someone: “I’m like the Sleepytime bear, ignoring his wife and kids just to get that next snooze.”

The business casual to “Is this your first time dining with us?” pipeline

I’m not overthinking anymore. Just plain thinking. Thinking Classic.

Always hated when an adult would say "it's time to start winding down before bed." That's why I go hard until the second I close my eyes.

Work identity crisis (realized I’m dressed like a waiter)

People don’t Rickroll each other anymore. We just attach the required documents 🙄

My career isn’t going to truly take off until LinkedIn allows nudes.

This is fan fic

“I’m so glad I live in a world where there is sushi.” -Anne of Green Gables if she had ever had sushi

Putting my phone in The Dip from Roger Rabbit

(going gentle into that good night) wait what